Off-Kilter

Celebrity Bloopers to the Rescue: We used to love driving, but lately our car feels more like a giant, gasoline-powered snail, inching along L.A.’s ridiculously clogged freeways. That’s why, when we’re elected governor this November, we promise to triple the width of every single interstate.

Best of all, it won’t cost you, the average taxpayer, a penny because we’re going to pay for it with a tax on celebrity stupidity. (Originally, we thought about penalizing all forms of stupidity--until we realized that such a law could be applied to anyone who votes for us.)

The California Public Stupidity Act of 1999 would work like this: Any celebrity or politician who is convicted of saying or doing something idiotic would automatically forfeit 10% of his or her total assets.

Needless to say, this would be a major gold mine: George Michael’s recent adventures in the men’s room. Ka-ching! Magic Johnson’s TV show. Ka-ching! Dan Quayle’s comment several weeks ago that “the Republican Party will select a [presidential] nominee that will beat Bill Clinton” in the year 2000. Ka-ching!

We also plan to prosecute Suzanne Somers for her new autobiography, “After the Fall,” which was just dissected by KROQ’s Kevin and Bean. Aside from the fact that it’s her second autobiography, the book is wall-to-wall in New Age mumbo jumbo and dopiness. For instance, Somers claims that getting fired from “Three’s Company” allowed her to find a deeper purpose in life. Well, yes--if you consider marketing the Thighmaster and Buttmaster deeply meaningful.

Even better is the ending of the book, in which Somers describes in horrifying detail her routine before going onstage. “I spray myself with Chanel No. 5 behind my ears and in my cleavage . . . [then] I visualize my body filling with liquid gold [that enters] through a cavity at the top of my head.”

Uh, we don’t know about the gold part, Suzanne, but we’re with you on the hole in your head.

Cutting-Room Floor Department: Here’s a newspaper headline that didn’t make it into print last week--and wouldn’t get in this week, either, if Off-Kilter had a shred of decorum. But we don’t, so when we heard about the obituary of Dick McDonald, co-founder of the famous hamburger chain, we retrieved the headline: “Old McDonald Bought the Farm.”

Wedding Announcement of the Week: From the Chicago Sun-Times: “Aidar Akayev, son of President Akayev of Kyrgyzstan, will marry Alia Nazarbayev, daughter of President Nursultan Nazarbayev of Kazakstan, in Kyrgyzstan, it was announced in Bishkek.”

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: We love the Weekly World News, but we also like underdogs--so we broke down and bought three other tabloids in an effort to snap WWN’s long streak as king of the tabloid headlines. We came up with: “Cher is Going Bald!” (Globe), “Baseball-Crazed Castro Makes Bid to Buy Florida Marlins!” (National Examiner) and “Man Gets Breast Implants to Win Bizarre $100,000 Bet” (Star).

* Roy Rivenburg can be reached by e-mail at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Or write him at Los Angeles Times, Life & Style, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles CA 90053.