Punch Lines

Think: Dan Quayle will run for the presidency of the United States in 2000. (“That’s the joke.”) (Chris Pina)

Thou Shalt Not: Actor Charlton Heston has been elected the new president of the National Rifle Assn. “Heston, as you know, played Moses in the ‘Nine Commandments.’ ” (Dennis Miller)

No Loot: The federal government wants to make it harder for people to declare bankruptcy. “They’re already doing that--it’s called welfare.” (Rudoph J. Cecera)

No Shift: Mitsubishi Motors has agreed to pay a record $34 million to settle sexual harassment claims. “In addition, Mitsubishi has agreed to change the name of its upcoming new car, the Bimbo.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Va Voom: Gena Lee Nolin is leaving the show “Baywatch.” “When asked what’s next, Nolin said she’s planning to pursue an acting career.” (Andrew Wisot)

Star: Comic Relief’s annual comedy show, starring Robin Williams, Whoopi Goldberg and Billy Crystal, aired on HBO for the benefit of the homeless people. “This was a very nice gesture. But how many homeless people have HBO?” (Argus Hamilton)

Yo, Latte?: Officials in Brazil say they have found a previously undiscovered tribe possessing unknown customs and speaking a never-before-heard language. They live in a nearly inaccessible portion of the Amazon rain forest. “Starbucks has arranged to open there early next week.” (Miller)

Ha!: Scientists have discovered a new species of snail. “Well, it took them long enough.” (Cecera)

Eeek: An Illinois man is suing a major airline, claiming he was bitten by a mouse on a flight from Cincinnati to St. Louis. “Witnesses, however, say the mouse was provoked. The man put his seat too far back and hit the mouse right in the knees.” (Steve Voldseth)

No Bull: Once again, the Chicago Bulls are the NBA champions and Michael Jordan now has six rings. “He’s only three behind Larry King.” (Jay Leno)

No More Spark: Al “Chainsaw” Dunlop, who laid off thousands of workers at Sunbeam, is out of a job. “The board of directors did the only thing they could do. They pulled his plug.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.