Covering the Scene, a Few Steps Behind Army

OK, let’s cut to the chase.

I got a spot way, way behind Army Archerd, behind the dais, behind the bleachers.

Actually I could only see his head, and then the heads of the stars he was interviewing.

So that means I saw no gowns and a lot of hair.

For two hours I got to see Army Archerd at work. First off, he’s a genius for remembering people’s names and their movies.

On the other hand, his questions were limited to: “How does it feel?” “Do you remember when you won the Oscar?” or “Did the nomination change your life?”

When Army asked Ben Kingsley if he remembered winning the Oscar for “Gandhi,” I wanted so bad for him to say, “Nope.” Of course, what is Army supposed to do?

The stars also have a limited repertoire of responses. They are: “Yes, I am so proud,” “Yes, I remember when I won in [insert year] for [insert picture]” or (especially if they are older than 50) “It’s going to be a thrilling evening!”

I felt so taken care of by my Army. Army uses the royal “We” as in “We loved you in ‘Network’ ” to Faye Dunaway.

Or, “Will we be seeing you in more comedies?” to Robin Williams.

Or, “Hello to our good friend Anne Jeffries who’s been making so many movies for us.”

He speaks for we. He speaks for me. I am happy that Anne Jeffries has made so many movies for me personally, as in us.

And now for some awards of my own:

* Biggest photographer-fan: There was a media person with a camera behind me who went so bonkers when Minnie Driver came up to the dais, and he began screaming: “Miiiiiinnnnie” like he was yelling “Stella” in “Streetcar.”

* Person least likely to be at Oscars: Rosa Parks. Yep, the Rosa Parks. It’s her first Academy Awards. Rosa Parks???????

* Person who I most hope that his date was his niece because if it wasn’t it changes my entire opinion of him: Robert Duvall.

When I was leaving I got caught in a crush of people fenced in on the street across from the Shrine. I kept hearing people say, “There’s Julia Sweeney.” I couldn’t figure it out. I mean, I was wearing sunglasses, my hair is long now, and I’m wearing sensible shoes!

Well, I thought, I’m a bigger star than I thought.

Yep, I can’t keep the people away.

But then I glanced down and realized that my press pass had my name boldly on its laminated face, in about a 20-point font.

So the crowd wasn’t a group of Army Archerds after all.