It Should Be No. 1 on Their Wish List

From a bad dream to a good one . . .

Jerry West picks up the phone, calls an old friend.

Elgin Baylor: Hello?

West: Hey.

Baylor: Jerry?

West: Yup.

Baylor: Oh, this is rich. Ten minutes after Utah cleans your clock, you’re calling for my office measurements. You’re a real back surgeon, you are. Listen, pal, if you want my job, you’re going to have to . . .

West: Relax, buddy. I’m not quitting. I’m staying with the Lakers. The other Jerry realized how much the franchise has increased in value since I’ve been here, gave me a cut, did the fair and generous thing. Funny, but I don’t feel so stressed anymore.

Baylor: So what do you want?

West: I want to talk about improving our team, adding the two missing pieces that probably cost us that Utah series.

Baylor: Sorry, I haven’t played in years. Although, neither has Elden Cam . . .

West: Relax, buddy, it’s not you I want. It’s that No. 1 overall draft pick.

Baylor: The No. 1 . . .

(Loud click on the line. Another voice interrupts)

Donald Sterling: Elgin, is that you? I thought I told you, no phone calls until you’ve finished your homework.

Baylor: Oh, gee whiz. Bye, Jerry.

(Another click)

Sterling: Jerry West? So what do you want?

West: Your top draft pick.

Sterling: Do you now? The town genius actually needs something from the town fool? And what would such a talented team do with our No. 1 pick, Mr. Smarty Pants?

West: Turn him into Mike Bibby, the kid from Arizona. Make him our point guard. Fill one of our holes.

Sterling: What will you give us for him, Mr. Man?

West: The most popular athlete in Los Angeles.

Sterling: No way. We heard Mike Piazza is death on a clubhouse.

West: No, silly, we’ll give you Eddie Jones.

Sterling: He’s more popular than Shaq?

West: Listen to our fans. They love Eddie. The worse he plays, the louder they cheer. The other night, he was laying so many bricks he should have been wearing an orange vest, yet they were chanting “Ed-die, Ed-die.” Doesn’t matter what happens to his jump shot, as long as he doesn’t change his first name.

Sterling: You’ve got a point.

West: With Bibby, we will have a point. And you will have a shooting guard. Jones is still young, he’s growing, you can sell plenty of tickets to the new arena with him.

Sterling: How are you going to replace Eddie?

West: Perhaps you’re heard of Kobe Bryant? He was a bit confused this spring, sticking the ball in his shirt, throwing buckets of confetti on the crowd. But next year he’ll be, like, a college junior. Isn’t that when most guys are finally ready for the NBA?

Sterling: This still doesn’t take care of my need for a point guard, Mr. Big Britches.

West: We’ll throw in Derek Fisher. I want to keep Nick Van Exel because he can back up at point guard and shooting guard.

Sterling: So we give up a kid nobody really knows yet for Eddie Jones and Derek Fisher? Duh. Done deal.

(Click. click.)

West picks up the phone again, calls a new friend.

Dwight Manley: Hello?

West: Dwight, Jerry West. I want to talk to one of your clients about becoming our new power forward, giving us the last piece we need for a championship.

Manley: That’s great, but he’s not here right now. He’s out having a bikini wax. You want to talk to his transvestite cowboy bodyguard?

West: Nah. Just tell him that we can’t give him a ton of money, but we can offer him a chance to win a championship with a team that is desperate for his style of play.

Manley; Well, Los Angeles is his favorite city in the league.

West: Of course it is. We have the beach, the movie people . . .

Manley: Nah. He likes it because he can spend every day off in Las Vegas.

West: Fine, whatever. I know he is older, and can be a pain, but I don’t mind pain, as long as he gives our team what he gave the Bulls this year. Like him or note, he was outstanding. Great defense, rebounding, the little things.

Manley: He doesn’t mind pain either, but that’s another story. What are you going to do at small forward?

West: Rick Fox is going to go somewhere else for more money, so Robert Horry will be our new small forward. Rumor has it, he was once able to score. Maybe this will help him do it again.

(Loud click on the line. Another voice interrupts.)

Dennis Rodman: Mmbmbm. Hey bros. Mmbmbm. I’ve been listening on a speaker mmbmbm. The mmbmbm sounds good.

West: What’s wrong with your voice?

Rodman: Just getting used to mmbmbm new tonsil ring.

West: So you like the deal?

Rodman: Mmbmbm. I can’t wait to become one of Shaq’s Girls.

(Loud click on the line. Another voice interrupts.)

Del Harris: I mind pain! I mind pain!