Punch Lines

A Safe Departure: White House Press Secretary Mike McCurry is stepping down. “Saying he wants a job with more truthfulness and integrity, McCurry is becoming the spokesman for professional wrestling.” (Premiere Radio)

Loony Toon: Nickelodeon is broadcasting a special to help kids under 10 understand the Clinton scandal. “A big-screen TV has been set up in the Democratic Congressional Caucus Room.” (Jerry Perisho)

Dress Rehearsal: CBS won premiere week thanks to its top-rated new drama “L.A. Doctors.” “That’s a show where the stars perform plastic surgery on each other.” (Russ Myers)

Pulling Stunts: Professional wrestlers promoting a new credit card appeared on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange. “Their appearance gave traders the chance to meet others who knowingly deceive people.” (David Christensen)

Power of Pete’s Pen: Pete Wilson vetoed a bill that would have required HMOs to cover mental illness. “It was unnecessary because most crazy people are covered by their plan as elected government officials.” (Gary Easley)

Raising the Rope: It’s all right to be 30 pounds overweight. “How do you know if you’re 30 pounds overweight? Well, for starters, if you’re less than 5 feet tall, weigh over 170 and look like the third from the left on the evolutionary chart.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

The Reserves: The fiscal year has ended with the first budget surplus since 1969. “The Democrats want to save the surplus for Social Security. Republicans want a tax cut. I want an apology from them both for putting us in debt in the first place.” (Premiere)

A Leaky Mess: There have been more grand jury testimony leaks from the Clinton case. “I thought grand jury testimony was supposed to be secret. There have been so many leaks lately, they ought to just call it cloth diaper testimony.” (Cortes)

In the Beginning: Los Angeles is celebrating its 217th birthday. “This town was small then--only three Starbucks.” (Bill Williams)

Mountain Man: Ross Perot made an appearance on CNN and berated President Clinton. “He was just nuts. . . . You get the feeling that if Ross Perot hadn’t gotten rich, he’d be writing manifestoes in a cabin in Montana?” (Jay Leno)

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