Good Advice, but Cowboys Will Be Cowboys

After a spate of embarrassments involving Dallas Cowboy players and dancers at topless clubs, team owner Jerry Jones hired a former player, Calvin Hill, to advise his players.

“We don’t tell them where to go and what to do,” Hill says. “We just give them the tools to be responsible.”

Barry Sorrels, a Dallas defense lawyer who has represented several athletes charged with crimes, told the Fort Worth Star-Telegram, “Going to a topless club may not be illegal, but it’s probably not wise. But these guys are also young.”

Suggests the Star-Telegram’s Jim Reeves, “Maybe owner Jerry Jones should consider cutting out the middleman and just open his own strip club, where he might have some sense of control over the ladies of the night and the star-studded clientele. Calvin Hill, already on the payroll for something, could manage the joint.”

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Add embarrassments: Then there was “scissor-gate”--Michael Irvin somehow stabbing teammate Everett McIver with a pair of scissors--and the Cowboys’ 0-5 exhibition record.

“Welcome to Dallas, Chan Gailey,” writes the New York Daily News’ Gary Myers. “The ‘Boys have actually lost 10 in a row, counting the last five games of ’97. Don’t be looking for Dallas anywhere near the playoffs this season.”

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Trivia question: Kirk Gibson’s dramatic pinch-hit home run turned the 1988 World Series around with one swing. How many at-bats did Gibson have in the five-game series?

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Oops: The Denver Broncos were told that defending the Vince Lombardi Trophy would be the hardest thing they would ever try, but this is ridiculous.

They lent it to the Colorado State Fair in Pueblo, only to be told that it had fallen out of a display case and ended up with a thumb-sized dent.

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Anyone for subpoenas? As New Orleans Saint officials tried to investigate a hazing incident that injured three players, their entire roster suddenly went deaf and speechless.

“They closed ranks on me and Mike [Ditka],” team President Bill Kuharich told the Boston Globe’s Ron Borges. “I couldn’t believe it. They refused to say anything.

“I’m irate over this. Mike is irate. The owner is irate. We’re all upset that people would treat other people this way, and we’re trying to deal with it head-on. This is not a boys-will-be-boys approach, but it’s difficult when you can’t get any proof of who was involved.”

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Trivia answer: One.

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And finally: Mike Lupica in the New York Daily News: “It is interesting that Sports Illustrated, which broke what I thought was an important story about hockey players getting a boost from Sudafed, decided to reduce cover-boy [Mark] McGwire’s use of andro into a triviality. [Bud] Selig and [Donald] Fehr don’t want anything to detract from the home run chase and that’s kind of interesting.”