You Might as Well Put a Cork in That Argument

Woody Paige of the Denver Post speculating on the notion the ball may be juiced considering the home run output of Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa this season:

“Honestly, these owners aren’t smart enough to juice the ball. They can’t even operate a juice machine. And they couldn’t keep quiet about it if they did. They don’t leak private information; it floods from their mouth.

“I give you Bud Selig. Do you really believe that the ex-acting-nowpermanent commissioner, who has a Wally Cox sort of dazed appearance and the personality of Bobby Cox, could pull off such a stunt? Me, either.”

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Trivia time: Who holds the NFL record for most points in a season?

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Mac’s menu: Phil Collier writing in the San Diego Union-Tribune: McGwire is so superstitious that he drinks pitcher after pitcher of ice tea, eats cheese pizza for lunch and has steak every night for dinner.

“He always orders [the steak] ‘well, well, well, well’ ” teammate Tom Lampkin said. “Not just one well--four.”

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Class of his own: Max Popper was the slowest runner in the veterans division of Saturday’s Fifth Avenue Mile in New York. However, he was cheered loudly after nearly 20 minutes on the course.

The 95-year-old Popper was then presented an award for being the fastest runner in the plus-90 age division. He had no competition--he was the only entrant.

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He’ll live with it: Rick Bowness has coached the New York Islanders and Ottawa Senators, yet he’s not qualified to coach a bantam league team.

The problem is that he doesn’t have the required coaching certificate from the Ottawa District Hockey Assn.

Bowness, now an NHL scout, doesn’t seem to be particularly disturbed, saying, “That’s the way it is.”

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Try again: Virginia-Pilot columnist Bob Molinaro has a suggestion for the Tennessee Oilers as they search for a new nickname: “Tenn. Commandments.”

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X-rated: Jeff Gordon of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch wonders: “What sort of mascot will the Cincinnati Reds field if publisher Larry Flynt succeeds in buying into the team?”

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Pessimism: Nick Canepa in the San Diego Union-Tribune: “I’m afraid Lawrence Phillips’ next football game will be in ‘The Longest Yard II.’ ”

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Looking back: On this day in 1951, the Rams defeated the New York Yanks, 54-14, at the Coliseum. Norm Van Brocklin had 554 yards passing, still an NFL record.

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Trivia answer: Paul Hornung of the Green Bay Packers in 1960: 176, on 15 touchdowns, 41 points after touchdowns, and 15 field goals.

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And finally: “Moral values have been thrown out of the window. Christianity is out the window. And that’s wrong. Parents should be at home, teaching kids right from wrong, making sure they get a great education so they can be a success in life.”

A quote from the Rev. Billy Graham? No, Albert Belle, believe it or not.