UTTERLY QUOTABLE

State of Affairs

“We take a hard look at guns 1/8in movie ads 3/8. And quite frankly, that’s a result of Littleton. Before that we’d let you have four guns on a poster. Now you can have one.”--The Motion Picture Assn. of America’s Bethlyn Hand (Newsweek, Aug. 23)

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“One man’s violence is another man’s action.”--”Mummy” director Stephen Sommers (Newsweek, June 21)

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“I don’t really care what Bill ‘ 1/8Excrement 3/8 Head’ Bennett thinks about this movie. I don’t care if he thinks it’s irresponsible. . . . The fact is, there’s more violence in the first five minutes of ‘Saving Private Ryan’ than you’d see watching ‘Fight Club’ four times. To me, Spielberg’s movie is the one bordering on irresponsible, with all those limbs flying around on the beach.”--”Fight Club” producer Art Linson (Entertainment Weekly, Oct. 15)

Getting Direction

“It was a big-pressure day, and he was under the gun. We were trying to get a shot and then he went berserk. He went nuts on an extra. So I went over and I put my arm around him and I pulled him aside, away from everybody, which seemed fair. And I said, ‘You can’t do that. . . .’ And he basically said, ‘ 1/8Expletive 3/8 you! Worry about your acting!’ And I said, ‘Now you’re being an 1/8expletive 3/8!’ And we started pushing against each other with our heads. So I got him by the throat. And I was yelling at him and he was screaming at me and we were at it. . . . Will I work with David ever again? Absolutely not. Do I think he’s tremendously talented and do I think he should be nominated for Oscars? Yeah.”--George Clooney, on contentious times with his “Three Kings” director, David O. Russell (EW, Oct. 8)

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“I’m trying my best not to become Ed Wood. I’m starting to get that reputation.”--Tim Burton, on the need for a comeback after “Mars Attacks” (Newsweek, April 19)

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“The executives who read the script say, ‘Well, the main character is not very likable.’ So without changing what the main character says or does, when I introduce them, I write, ‘Betty, a very likable person. . . .’ Then they go, ‘Oh, these changes are wonderful! Suddenly she comes alive!’ “--”Opposite of Sex” writer-director Don Roos, explaining how to placate development execs (Newsweek, Feb. 8)

Katz’s Meow

“I think I hate the little midget.”--Disney chief Michael Eisner on former underling Jeffrey Katzenberg, in informal notes written down for his autobiography (Time, May 17)

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“If you pursue this line of questioning, you will put in the public record something that should not . . . I didn’t really mean it.”--Eisner, asked by Katzenberg’s lawyer if he’d made the “midget” statement (ibid.)

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“It’s the perfect definition of a settlement. Both parties felt they didn’t get what they wanted.”--David Geffen, who helped broker the settlement between Katzenberg and Disney (Time, July 19)

Misery

“I watched ‘Titanic’ when I got back home from the hospital and cried. I knew then that my IQ had been damaged.”--Stephen King, after his car accident (Us, November)

Mercurial Rising

“I’m not arrogant, I’m focused. I don’t make demands. I don’t tell you how it should be. I’ll give you 1/8expletive 3/8 options, and it’s up to you to select or throw ‘em away. That should be the headline: If you’re insecure, don’t 1/8expletive 3/8 call.”--Russell Crowe, bristling at reports he’s difficult on the set (L.A. Times, Oct. 31)

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“It matters to me that I wake up feeling authentic, even if I have to fly American Airlines first class instead of the Warner jet.”--Sean Penn, interviewed in December of last year (USA Today, Jan. 20)

The Body Beautiful

“I would like to take this opportunity to tell the press to kiss my skinny white ass.”--Calista Flockhart, on David Letterman’s show (June)

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“I’m not a stick. It’s not about being a stick insect.”--Kate Winslet (Premiere, Nov.)

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“W called me ‘the young Delta Burke.’ It’s so silly. I weigh 105 pounds and wear a size 2, but for some reason I’m a heavyweight.”--Christina Ricci (Movieline, November)

Triumph of the Swill

“When Pauline Kael first started writing, she promoted trash against highbrow taste. Well, she won. Now who’s going to defend us from the trash?”--Filmmaker Paul Schrader (Premiere, March)

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“The only way that I can truly dumb down America is to get to the smart people and bring their game down.”--Jim Carrey, explaining why lately he’s been picking projects like “The Truman Show” and “Man on the Moon” (L.A. Times, Dec. 5)

Just Keep Your Shirt On

“I’ve never had to pretend to be having sex with somebody. I’m, like, the queen of the foreplay dissolve.”--Julia Roberts (Premiere, June)

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“All the girls wore tiny tops, so we called it ‘I Know What Your Breasts Did Last Summer.’ We made another joke that we’d name them, and I said mine were Thelma and Louise, but I was kidding. Now I read it everywhere and people getting autographs will ask, ‘How are Thelma and Louise?’ I’m, like, ‘Oh, my God, people, it was a joke.’ I don’t wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and say, ‘Good morning, Thelma. Good morning, Louise.’ “--Jennifer Love Hewitt (Maxim, November)

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“You’re always upstaged by your nipples when you do a nude scene anyway. Nobody hears anything you say for the first 25 seconds.”--Susan Sarandon on the “Today” show, supporting Natalie Portman’s unwillingness to do a nude scene in “Anywhere but Here” (Nov. 12)

Hollywood Mating Game

“The weirdest thing about Hollywood is when guys tell their publicist to call your publicist to ask you out on a date.”--Natasha Henstridge (New York Post, Nov. 4)

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“We’ve been together a year, but that’s like five years in L.A. time.”--Actress Rachael Leigh Cook, 19, on her relationship with live-in actor boyfriend Ryan Alosio (USA Today, Feb. 4)

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“The reason I’m single is because I wouldn’t want to be with anybody right now who would be willing to be with me.”--Ben Affleck (Vanity Fair, September)

Getting in Character

“I wear shorts and a tank top--it’s more scientific-looking.”--Bond girl Denise Richards, asked why she doesn’t wear a bikini in “The World Is Not Enough” (EW, Aug. 6)

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“Richard 1/8Gere 3/8 looks great, but his hair is now so white that I told Julia 1/8Roberts 3/8 that if she stood close enough to him, I wouldn’t have to light her.”--”Runaway Bride” director Garry Marshall, on reuniting his “Pretty Woman” stars (Movieline, July)

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“When you’re an actress in Hollywood, playing a hooker is the highest form of flattery. I’m serious. It’s like when men get to play Hamlet.” --Illeana Douglas, who played a call girl in “Action” (EW, Oct. 22)

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“That’s right: I’m the all-American executioner.”--Tom Hanks, reacting to the idea that he’s seen as a “good guy” even in a “dark” movie like “The Green Mile” (L.A. Times, Nov. 7)

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“Now I find myself accused of ‘not acting,’ as though they plucked me off a bus and said, ‘Hey, want to be in a movie?’ I got news for you: A pile of rocks isn’t scary.”--”Blair Witch Project” star Heather Donahue (Details, October)

What’s the Matter with Kids Today

“You mean do I think ‘Citizen Kane’ is the greatest movie of all time? I think it’s boring. I had trouble staying awake through it.”--”American Pie” screenwriter Adam Herz, age 26 (Newsweek, July 12)

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“I have come to the conclusion that The Times has it in for us old folks. Paul Brownfield recently referred to my TV series ‘Diagnosis Murder’ as a ‘so-called geezer drama.’ Now Brian Lowry suggests we have a quiz show and award Viagra as a prize. Let me say first that I am 74 years old and I think I can whip their collective asses.”--Dick Van Dyke, in a letter to the editor (L.A. Times, Dec. 11)

The Best of Cardinal Sinead O’Connor

“Does impeachment mean they’re gonna turn him into a peach? If so, can I eat him?”--Sinead O’Connor, urging the U.S. Senate to halt the impeachment trial of President Clinton, whom she previously has described as “the sexiest man in the universe” (letter to Irish Times in Jaunuary)

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“I deliberately get dressed up for God. I’m going to put on my earrings and my proper makeup. I’m going to be a sexy mother 1/8expletive 3/8 priestess. If anybody doesn’t like it, they can 1/8expletive 3/8 off.”--Newly ordained clergyperson O’Connor (London Observer, May)

Young Turks

“This isn’t the sort of movie you just sit back and watch. This is a movie that’s downloaded in front of you. It doesn’t wait for you. If you don’t keep up, you’re lost. It’s like you’ve tripped and sprained your ankle. You have to tell the rest of the audience, ‘Go on, go ahead without me!’ “--”Fight Club” director David Fincher (EW, Oct. 15)

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“You can learn more from John Sturges’ audio track on the ‘Bad Day at Black Rock’ laserdisc than you can in 20 years of film school.”--Paul Thomas Anderson (L.A. Times, Dec. 12)

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“For a young filmmaker, the enemy isn’t the studio or the critics, it’s self-importance. This is a gifted group of young directors, but what will happen to them is strictly a function of character. It takes a great amount of energy to stay hungry, but it’s far preferable to self-importance, which is what has brought down nearly every great filmmaker.”--Director Steven Soderbergh (L.A. Times, Dec. 12)

And So On . . .

“I was delivered by God when he left.”--Linda Hamilton, on her divorce from “miserable, unhappy man” James Cameron (Newsweek, Feb. 8)

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“Sundance is actually an old Indian word that means publicity. Few people know that.”--Eric Stoltz (Us, April)

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“There was a studio head who asked us, ‘Can it be “Being Tom Cruise”?”’ --Sandy Stern, Being John Malkovich producer (EW, Nov. 26)

In Action

I had an ongoing offer that anyone who came up with a new camera angle of Denzel would get a case of Foster’s Lager.” --Bone Collector” director Phillip Noyce, on the challenge of making a movie in which the lead actor, Denzel Washington, is paralyzed (EW, August)