Quitting Not the Only Solution to Difficult Work Relationships

Elizabeth escapes to the office cafeteria or works from home to get away from an overbearing supervisor. When that doesn’t work, she has a tete-a-tete with him to clear the air.

But Elizabeth says her coping tactics provide little solace from the day-to-day challenge of being trapped in a small office with a mercurial boss.

“His demeanor can change in a second’s notice,” she said. “When he’s in a bad mood, there are nearly waves of stress and bad-moodiness coming from him and bashing me in the head as I sit working on the opposite side of the room.”

Elizabeth, who caught her boss going through her trash last week, is far from alone. Most people at some time in their careers are stuck working with colleagues they just plain don’t like. And while co-workers often butt heads with one another, workplace consultants say the office pariah is most often the boss.

Dealing with these situations isn’t easy. Kathy quit her job as an account executive at a New York public relations firm after a senior account executive’s lack of professionalism drove her to distraction. The woman, who rode a skateboard to work and wore her hair in pigtails, “constantly yelled over the cubicle” at Kathy and put Hello Kitty stickers on business cards and memos.

Unfortunately, many people don’t have the luxury of quitting. Or maybe they like their jobs and want to make them work in spite of some unpleasant aspects. Experts say there are steps employees can take to cope with moody bosses and co-workers.

It’s helpful to remember that taking action to mend difficult work relationships can make a difference.

“People underestimate the degree of impact they can have on the relationship,” said Brandon Toropov, author of the “Complete Idiot’s Guide to Getting Along With Difficult People,” (Alpha Books, 1997). “We’re quick to assume that the problem is the other person’s.”

It’s important to figure out a supervisor’s communication style in order to understand when it’s best to approach him with an issue, said Deb Haggerty, president of Positive Connections in Orlando, Fla.

“If someone’s office is as neat as a pin with everything all lined up, they’re probably a ‘perfect’ person,” Haggerty said. “They need to know all details before making a decision. So you have to force yourself, when you have an idea you want to sell, to gather all the data that’s necessary and present it to them in a logical fashion.”

It also helps to take personalities into account when forming teams. Haggerty said she once did a personality analysis of managers at a firm and found that 17 of the 18 supervisors had the same personality type--they needed to be in control and refused to compromise.

“I said to their boss, ‘No wonder you’re having problems,’ ” Haggerty said.

Approaching a situation with an objective in mind is also valuable, especially when facing a boss with a temper. In these instances, employees should refrain from responding to a screaming boss, said Alan Axelrod, who along with Jim Holtje, co-wrote “201 Ways to Deal With Difficult People,” (McGraw Hill, 1997).

To prevent arguments, it’s useful to keep discussions focused on issues instead of personalities and to ask questions that encourage bosses to explain their ideas.

If after taking these steps one is still unable to communicate with a troublesome boss, one could discuss the problem with a human resources manager. This step, however, should be a last resort for besieged employees, Axelrod and Holtje advise in their book. If human resources can’t mediate the matter, bosses may then distrust employees who went over their heads.

It is also useful to document problems with a supervisor in a diary at home, experts say. This process can be both cathartic and indispensable should a situation arise where it becomes the employee’s word against the supervisor’s.

Sometimes nothing an employee can do will help resolve the situation. In this case the boss may be a bully who thrives on being impossible to get along with. In fact, one out of five employees is verbally harassed at work--89% of the time by a supervisor, said Gary Namie, national coordinator of the Campaign Against Workplace Bullying based in Benecia, Calif.

For those involved in these relationships, coping mechanisms often don’t work, he said.

“All the books on dealing with difficult people are about surviving and coping and altering your perceptions,” Namie said. “None of that takes into account that some people have symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder.”

Namie and his wife, Ruth, both psychologists, help restore the self-esteem of frustrated employees who contact their campaign. It’s only after teaching these employees to respect themselves that the Namies can encourage them to fight back or quit. Indeed, in about 75% of these cases the only way for an employee to escape a bully is to quit, Gary Namie said.

Not all nasty supervisors are beyond hope. Sometimes, bosses respond well to counseling, said Erik J. Van Slyke, a principal with HR Alliance and author of “Listening to Conflict: Finding Constructive Solutions to Workplace Disputes” (Amacom Books, 1999).

A case in point is the general manager of a cement manufacturing company who asked Van Slyke to do a cultural assessment of his facility after a dozen fights broke out in three months. After some study, Van Slyke told the manager that his way of interacting with people--a macho “my way or the highway” style--carried over into the way employees interacted with each other.

A few months later, the manager called Van Slyke and recounted a story about a confrontation with an employee that highlighted how counseling had dramatically changed his management style. This person had stormed into the manager’s office, reached across the desk, and slugged him in the face, Van Slyke said. Van Slyke asked the manager why he didn’t fire the employee or call the police.

The manager said he waited until the worker had calmed down and then said: “It seems like you’re angry. Tell me why. I want to understand.” Van Slyke said months of cultural awareness training alerted the manager to communications patterns in his firm and made him aware how his interactions with others affected the work environment.

“He said he realized his guys don’t necessarily have the best communication skills, or are in full control of their emotions,” Van Slyke said. “He added this was the only way the guy knew to communicate, and that if he [the manager] reacted in the ‘old way,’ he only would have taught him that [the manager] was the guy in power and he [the worker] needed to do as he was told.”

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Advice for Allies

One of the best ways to get on your boss’ good side is to prove you’re trustworthy, according to Brandon Toropov, author of “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Getting Along With Difficult People.” A look at some steps you can take to prove you’re an ally:

* Don’t spread rumors or talk behind the boss’ back.

* Pass along important news you know the boss would be eager to hear by writing memos about issues of interest that appear in magazines or trade journals.

* Know what the boss’ guiding objective is and talk about it as often as you can.

* Do what you say you will do, no matter what.

* Never make excuses. Briskly explain what happened and then say what you plan to do and when.

* Assume personal responsibility when you do screw up.

* Don’t waste lots of time apologizing for things.

* When in doubt, quote the boss’ observations or personal approach to work and life.

* Grin and bear it when things get tense. Show you can take the heat and not wither.

Source: “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Getting Along With Difficult People.”