Foothill’s Katzman Plays Through Grief of Baby Sister Killed in Accident a Year Ago

Ryan Katzman wasn’t the best high school player on the courts Saturday at Costa Mesa Tennis Center, but he was the easiest one to cheer on.

For one year now, Katzman has been living with the kind of grief that is too horrifying for most to fathom. After returning home from tennis practice last May 22, he accidentally backed the family Suburban over his 5-year-old sister, Mackenzie, killing her.

Saturday, Katzman, a senior at Santa Ana Foothill High, came within two matches of qualifying for the Southern Section individual tennis championships. Later in the evening that evening, he was scheduled to attend a memorial service at his house, marking the one-year anniversary of Mackenzie’s death.

“Every day is hard,” Katzman, 18, said in a calm but passionate tone, “unfortunately this one brings back more memories.”

It is hard to know what kind of pain Ryan has lived with these last 12 months, unless you are a close friend or family member. He doesn’t open up to many people, but he wants to let everyone know he’s getting through it. So he sat down this week to pour out some emotions--but no tears--and thank his friends, family, teachers and schoolmates for helping him through the longest and most trying year of his life.

“Talking about it definitely helps,” Katzman said. “I know I can’t suppress my feelings and get on with my life.”

Katzman tries not to relive the horrible day of the accident, and it is easier now that his family--which also includes brother Taylor, 11, and sister Kelsey, 9--has moved into another home in North Tustin.

“It was difficult going into the driveway every day,” Katzman said. “But in a way it was hard moving because all my sister’s memories are in that house.

“I can’t beat myself up over it. It was nothing that I intended to do. It was an unfortunate accident. I would trade anything to have her back. But I just have to remember her.”

Which Katzman does quite often.

“I’ll remember her little smile. She was great.

“She was 5 years old. She was innocence. All she did was love people and that’s what I remember, the tremendous amount of love she gave. Her hugs and smiles, the kisses.”

Those memories were the foundation of a personal essay he wrote in the fall as part of his college application process. Katzman worked on the essay with Myra Sosin, his senior honors English teacher.

Sosin remembered reading newspaper accounts about the accident but didn’t realize Ryan was the student involved until she read the first line of his essay.

“It took me a week to read the rest of it after that first line,” she said. “I was so upset and moved by it. I decided I had to take a step back and try and be emotionless. I was able to talk about the experience [with him] because I lost my father to a heart attack when I was 18.”

Said Katzman: “I talked to Mrs. Sosin about it a lot. It was nice to be able to confide in somebody like that. Writing the essay was almost therapeutic. I got out all these emotions and all these feelings that I really needed to get out. It answered so many questions for me.”

Katzman didn’t want to make his essay public, but Sosin said it was a tribute to Mackenzie.

“He was saying whatever he does, he does for his sister,” Sosin said. “He feels that he’s living through her and whatever accomplishments he makes, he makes for her.”

The heartfelt essay helped Katzman get accepted to USC, UC San Diego and Michigan. He picked Michigan after falling in love with the Ann Arbor campus during a spring break visit. One of the highlights was being down on the field in the 100,000-seat football stadium and racing the length of the field against his father, Todd, an orthopedic surgeon.

Katzman plans to major in premed with an eye toward specializing in orthopedics.

“My dad doesn’t want me to follow him,” Katzman said. “But I go in and watch my dad do surgeries and I love it.”

Todd and Kristine Katzman declined to be interviewed for this story, but their positive influence on Ryan has made an impression on many, including Mission Viejo tennis Coach Bill Smith, whose team played Foothill in a match days after the tragedy. Smith’s players wore black wristbands to show support for Mackenzie and Ryan, who played in the match for Foothill.

“I was impressed with his poise and impressed with the family,” Smith said. “They were all there and they were tremendously upbeat. I can’t imagine the death of a child. . . .”

But Katzman’s strength has not come only from his parents. It also has come from unexpected sources.

“My parents and close friends I can always count on,” Katzman said. “But right after the accident, the entire school was behind me. Without all that support, I don’t know. . . . Everyone had comforting things to say. Obviously, everyone’s going to say, ‘I’m here if you need to talk,’ but it really seemed like they meant it.”

Katzman also sees a psychologist, which, he says, has helped him considerably. He hasn’t spoken as much as he would have liked to Rabbi Haim Asa, who spoke at Mackenzie’s funeral and was to conduct the services Saturday night. Ryan said he always will remember the retiring rabbi’s soothing words that surreal day.

“Accidents happen, Ryan,” he said to more than 300 family members and friends who turned out for the funeral. “It was an accident. Mackenzie called you her protector. From now on, I think Mackenzie will have to be your protector.”

Said Katzman: “The way he conducted the services I thought was very admirable. He had the right things to say.”

There were many positives in Katzman’s life before the accident. Tennis was a big part of it.

Mackenzie and the rest of the family attended most of Ryan’s matches. But once she died, tennis became rather insignificant.

“I didn’t play any tournaments until September,” Katzman said. “I had no desire.”

Katzman played enough tournaments in the fall to raise his singles ranking in the boys’ 18 division of Southern California to No. 48. Before the season, he set some personal and team goals.

So far, he has met every one--qualifying for the prestigious Ojai tournament, going undefeated, 30-0, in Century League play and winning the singles title and being chosen the league’s most valuable player.

“The biggest difference is not my strokes,” he said. “I’m not such a mental case when I play. Before, I’d lose a few points and be out of it. Now, I have a more positive outlook.”

But his outlook is also realistic. He realizes his tennis career is coming to a close because he does not plan to play collegiately, and he will play Tuesday in the Division III team quarterfinals in what could be his last competitive match.

“I haven’t thought about it being one of my last matches,” Katzman said. “I’m really close to all my team members, so I’ll miss that more than the individual stuff. I’m definitely not looking for too much this weekend. I think it would be great to make it past the second round. There’s so much talent in Southern California. I’m a good player, but I’m not a great player.”

Somehow, Katzman has been able to concentrate solely on his tennis game during his matches.

“I think about her all the time, but not during the match,” he said. “I try to stay focused on what I need to do out there.”

Today Katzman will begin the next 12 months without his sister by attending an unveiling of her headstone. That too will be difficult, but he will get through it.

“Time helps,” he said. “I would say this year has gone by very slowly. It’s been hard. I can’t say I’ve completely gotten through it. I’m still in the process of grieving for her. I will always, though, because I love her so much.”