Out of Country, Not Out of Mind

The bags have not been unpacked. I have four new stamps in my passport and six rolls of film to be developed, but after a month out of the country I first need answers to some questions.

Such as . . .

With Ismael Valdes in a Dodger uniform and the Clippers without a head coach, is this the summer of 2000 or February 1999?

And didn’t we go through this whole will-Jerry-West-retire-or-won’t-he thing last year? Or was that the year before? Am I the only one having a hard time keeping track?

If West leaves, how many minutes will it take him to realize there aren’t many better front-office jobs in sports? How many other teams are coming off a championship season with two of the top players in the game still in their prime and years away from free agency?

Is that Sheffield I see atop the National League home run leaders list really Gary Sheffield? Do you realize no Dodger has led the league in homers since Duke Snider hit 43 in 1956?

For all of the flurry of activities before the baseball trading deadline, don’t you still get that dreaded feeling that come October it’s going to be the Yankees and the Braves . . . again?

Is anyone going to be left for the U.S. Olympic men’s basketball team? No Grant Hill, and now Tim Duncan says he’s out too? The ranks are starting to get thin, so doesn’t this sound like a job for . . . Superman?

Seriously, shouldn’t Shaquille O’Neal come to the aid of his country? Does he remember how Michael Jordan reluctantly signed on in 1992, in part because Magic Johnson wanted to play with him and NBA Commissioner David Stern wanted to market him?

We know O’Neal must be worn out from logging heavy minutes all the way through June, but if Phil Jackson could let Jordan and Scottie Pippen breeze through training camp after Barcelona, don’t you think he could work something out for the Big Guy come October?

Speaking of the Olympics, that’s some group of men’s tennis players we’re sending to Sydney, isn’t it? Is Jeff Tarango really taking the place of Pete Sampras? Did Tarango promise to bring along his umpire-slapping wife?

By the way, what’s the holdup with the Lakers signing Shaq to his extension? Shouldn’t that have been done by lunchtime Aug. 1?

On the other hand, is it any surprise that the Clippers haven’t handled the formalities on those cookie-cutter contracts with their first-round picks yet?

For all of the noise created by the Miami Heat trading for Eddie Jones and the Orlando Magic bringing in Grant Hill and Tracy McGrady, do those moves really do anything to change the balance of power in the Eastern Conference? Did any of those players lead their teams out of the first round of the playoffs last season?

And if his time in Charlotte wasn’t enough to cure Anthony Mason of his habit of getting into late-night trouble, what was Pat Riley thinking by bringing him down to South Beach?

Doesn’t everything sound better in Italian? For example, who would read something called the Sports Gazette? But La Gazzetta Dello Sport? Where can I sign up for a subscription?

Why do you get the feeling the Clippers will take full “advantage” of the two months they have until the start of training camp before they hire a coach? Will there be a blank page for the coach’s entry in the media guide?

Uhhh, who’s going to be left in the pool by the time the Clippers do make a selection?

If the University of North Carolina--one of the premier jobs in all of coaching--couldn’t get its top choice right off the bat, why should we have thought the Clippers would do any better?

With Sampras and Venus Williams winning Wimbledon, Tiger Woods winning the British Open and Lance Armstrong winning the Tour de France, why does it seem as if the only place Americans couldn’t win was on U.S. soil? I mean, all of that hype for Michael Johnson against Maurice Greene at the Olympic trials and neither one could get to the finish line? How are U.S. sprinters supposed to beat the world in Sydney when they can’t even beat the heat in Sacramento?

Is the Rickey Henderson sparking the Seattle Mariners at age 41 the same Rickey Henderson who batted .183 in 32 games with the Angels three years ago?

How can a society as civilized as Britain be so thoroughly incapable of cooking decent meals?

Why do Dusty Baker’s San Francisco Giants always seem to be in the thick of the pennant race?

John Starks on the Utah Jazz? Doesn’t that seem odd, like Eminem joining the Backstreet Boys?

Anybody know what I should do with all of these French and Italian coins in my pocket?

Just asking.

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J.A. Adande can be reached at his e-mail address: j.a.adande@latimes.com.