Don’t Drop the Ball, Folks, Make Your Kid an Agent

We finally have a legitimate role model for our youngsters.

After hearing Alex Rodriguez signed for $252 million, I would hope bright kids everywhere vowed to themselves: “I wanna grow up one day and be just like Scott Boras.”

This is a good thing that happened, a reminder of what America is all about, and a very good time for parents to sit their young ones down and break it to them: “Listen child, stop fooling yourself--on your best day, you have no shot to ever be like Alex Rodriguez, Shaquille O’Neal or Venus Williams. Take a look in the mirror, kid, you’re a runt--you’re finished.

“Now go make something of yourself--become an agent.”

When the youngster stops crying, you can point out that there’s nothing really special about Rodriguez other than the fact God apparently favored him in some respects, blessing him with the athletic ability to roll out of the crib and catch the first ball thrown his way.

Once a kid understands that hard work is never going to allow him to stand eye to eye with Shaq, he can get on with life, and find the kind of job that will pay him enough to buy a ticket to watch the athlete he could never be.

This is why you can still emphasize staying in school, because if he ever wants to go to a sporting event, he will need to secure a good-paying job.

Sometimes we all forget, but the only reason we have sports is so all the creatures particularly favored by God with physical skills can entertain the uncoordinated. Think about it, there’s no other reason for these athletic freaks to do what they do, or else they would be working for the uncoordinated.

The uncoordinated, of course, love to be entertained, which makes them vulnerable--especially to higher ticket prices. The uncoordinated will complain, and may even react with outrage when sports salaries escalate, but the team with the most superstars still draws the most fans.

The really uncoordinated become sports writers by the way--but for the record--there are exceptions.

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NOW THOSE WHO have a feel for combining capitalism with superstars can really make their parents proud. This is where Boras comes in, and I’m not sure why every player in baseball hasn’t fired his own agent by now and hired him.

I mean, if anyone wants a raise, all he has to do is call Boras, who will call Kevin Malone, and it’s like tapping into an ATM with no limits.

Some people might think what Boras does is sleazy, contributing to the demise of the game or taking advantage of suckers like Malone, but how can you fault a capitalist doing his job better than anyone else?

Boras has this ability to make superstars appear more super, which had the Dodgers bidding against themselves to sign Kevin Brown and the Rangers taking the bait and thinking they had to top everyone else for Rodriguez.

That’s the American way, selling something to somebody who needs something, and making a living while doing it.

In turn, the baseball owner buys into Rodriguez, then sells him to the uncoordinated masses, who will not only pay handsomely to watch him play but will walk around with his likeness on the expensive T-shirts they purchase.

So instead of killing the sport of baseball, Boras constantly contributes to its rebirth, giving the uncoordinated--who aren’t much for maintaining the status quo--a reason to buy more tickets and get more excited.

This makes Scott Boras an American hero.

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YOU PROBABLY NOTICED the Anaheim Angels aren’t holding back. The Disney people authorized spending $2 million to sign Pat Rapp. Take that, Texas.

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OF THE NINE head coaches hired in the NFL two years ago, only Baltimore’s Brian Billick, at 18-12, has a record above .500.

Taking into consideration his quarterbacks in that time have been Tony Banks, Stoney Case and Trent Dilfer, Billick looks like Vince Lombardi material.

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MY SOURCES SAY USC Athletic Director Mike Garrett has been ready to announce the school has hired a new football coach, but he cannot do so until he runs his choice by President Steven Sample. And Sample hasn’t returned his phone call.

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AS A WORKMATE, I feel for Elliott Teaford, but I do not agree with him. It’s pretty obvious somebody with clout at this newspaper has it in for our fine hockey writer, not only making him write about the Mighty Ducks, but insisting he be practically the only one who goes to their games.

This probably makes Teaford grouchy, but I do not believe anyone should ever get so cranky in a newspaper as to demand the firing of someone in the world of sports, as Teaford did in Tuesday’s editions, insisting that Coach Craig Hartsburg be dismissed.

It’s Teaford’s job to be an observer, and in that capacity he could tell us Hartsburg may not be very good, may not be getting the maximum out of his players and may be the worst coach in the league. But to advocate taking away someone’s weekly paycheck and leaving them unemployed is going too far.

Besides--after a stretch of bad columns--we wouldn’t want to give readers any ideas.

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AS A RULE, student-athletes skip classes while they are working on their basketball game in college. Nice to see a basketball player like O’Neal skipping a game to attend school and receive his degree.

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TOO MUCH STARBUCKS makes it hard for some people to sit still, but this is ridiculous: Seattle has now lost Randy Johnson to Arizona by way of Houston, Ken Griffey Jr. to Cincinnati and Rodriguez to Dallas-Fort Worth.

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HOLLYWOOD PARK’S Pick Six could be worth $1,500,000 today. Win it 168 times, and you could feel just like A-Rod.

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TODAY’S LAST WORD comes in an e-mail from Ira Gottlieb:

“T.J. Simers has to be one of the most self-indulgent narcissistic writers I have ever read.”

Aye, aye.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at his e-mail address:t.j.simers@latimes.com