What Could Make All of Georgia Vanish?

Went to the Georgia Dome on media day to find Georgia. Ran into this big football walking around.

“You in there, Georgia?”

The football replied in German.

A translator, understanding the mistake in identity, explained that the walking football was an advertisement for an overseas TV show. But he also said the ball was very interested in finding Georgia.

Strange thing, what with all these fine football players hanging around to be interviewed, but that’s what reporters kept asking each other: “You seen Georgia?”

The guys from the St. Louis Post-Dispatch were particularly skittish. But that was before Jim O’Keefe, the local United Van Lines’ agent, said there had been no recent orders that he knew of for moving a football team to richer digs.

Ram Coach Dick Vermeil had promised Sunday after the game: “We’re takin’ Georgia to Georgia,” but when the team appeared Tuesday no one could find her.

She seems to like hugging and kissing quarterback Kurt Warner after every win, but Warner was here all by himself and had nothing unusual to announce.

So where was she? The natural thing to do, of course, was start looking in all the obvious places.

The lady at the “Chapel of Love” said, “Just a minute,” while checking her records, “but no, that name doesn’t ring a bell.” So she didn’t run off and get married or anything like that.

The Paladin Astrological Services did not answer the phone--apparently it didn’t know the call was coming, but over at “The Inner Space,” astrologer Cathy Burroughs said not only had she not seen Georgia, but she had never heard of her.

“Don’t let that bother you; I’m really not in the loop,” she said, “but I can tell you what to expect.”

Burroughs, sensing the concern in the voice on the other end of the telephone, said she would be willing to check Georgia’s chart to make sure this is a good time for her.

“All I need is her birthday information,” she said.

That could be a problem: Does it have to be accurate, or will her driver’s license do?

“We don’t have that kind of chorus line,” said the bouncer at Dream Girls. “But if it’s someone named Georgia you’re looking for, why sure, we can do that.”

About 5 feet 6, big blond hair, usually dresses in blue and gold. . . .

“I think you’re looking in the wrong place,” he said.

You can rule out all the area Wal-Marts, Targets and Kmarts, which really doesn’t leave much here, but the operator at Neiman Marcus offered to try paging her.

“We got someone who says they are a Georgia Bulldog,” she said with a laugh.

About 5-6, big blond hair, usually dresses in blue and gold, likes to sing whether asked or not. . . .

“We don’t have anyone here by the name of Georgia,” said the receptionist at the “Reaching Out to Senior Adults Center.”

By any chance, “Violet Francis?” the name on her birth certificate before it was changed to Georgia Lee.

“We have a Velma,” said the receptionist.

About 5-6, big blond hair, usually dresses in blue and gold, likes to sing whether asked or not, bakes cakes for quarterbacks when they aren’t playing well, sometimes wears bunny rabbit earrings, used to hang around with Joseph Kennedy, now has her own entourage, speaks gibberish?

“Could you be more specific?” said someone named Mary at Legacy Limousines. “We get all kinds here.”

Reporters were getting very frustrated. Who would you rather interview? London Fletcher or someone old enough to tell you all about the bombing of London?

“I just look at the Super Bowl as another ballgame,” Fletcher said. “I’m going to approach this game like I’ve approached every single other game.”

Hard to believe he hasn’t gotten an offer to write a book yet.

The media are clamoring here for Georgia--all except USA Today, which has assigned a nice writer to be with her wherever she is, so a nice story will be written about her at week’s end. This is known in the business as orchestration, designed to eliminate her as the likely answer to that disastrous question: “Who goofed--I’ve got to know?”

But assignments have been given, and editors back home are insisting on an up-close and personal look at Georgia, not realizing that she has a history of this. If she showed up more than an hour late for the funeral of her husband, Carroll Rosenbloom, what are the odds she’s going to report on time for media day?

The walking football, however, was becoming very impatient. Given limited knowledge of the German language, the ball seemed to be muttering something about coming all the way from Europe to meet the brains behind the Rams’ success only to leave jilted.

No sense telling the ball to “get in line.” Probably wouldn’t understand American humor.