Fumbling and Bumbling Over Football Issue in L.A.

Only 38 days until the San Diego Chargers are eliminated from the NFL playoffs. Coincidentally, the NFL regular season kicks off in 38 days.

The schedule of events at the Coliseum for Sept. 3, that very same afternoon, shows nothing is slated to take place. Muggings, of course, are usually spontaneous.

It seems like it was only yesterday when Mayor Richard Riordan was catching passes for the benefit of photographers, while NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue stepped to the podium in front of the Peristyle to announce football was coming to L.A.

No one knew it then, but Riordan’s lack of ability apparently would not go unnoticed by league officials, eventually convincing the NFL to go elsewhere.

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WHATEVER HAPPENED TO Ed Roski, Michael Ovitz and Eli Broad?

They are probably on the phone ordering the $169 DirecTV NFL package.

* Roski bought the Las Vegas Hilton, a little late for the Chicago Bears’ employees who had to lay their bets off with a bookie but just in time to establish the morning line on when football will return to L.A.

“I think there’s a good chance some team will be playing here next August,” Roski said.

Putting odds down behind the pass line in craps is no longer the best bet in Vegas; it’s betting the house on the proposition that Roski has no idea what he’s talking about.

* With the big convention coming to town, Broad is now dedicating himself to donkey politics, the NFL experience serving him well.

* Ovitz said he has had a couple of chats with Tagliabue recently.

(I was going to write, “You were supposed to draw the conclusion that they were talking serious football when they were just giggling and sharing Michael Eisner gossip,” but Ovitz just called. He promised if I didn’t make fun of him, he’d let me take his seat next to Lara Flynn Boyle at a Lakers’ game.)

If only he could have put me next to Salma Hayek.

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WHAT ABOUT SOME new blood?

This is exclusive news: Beverly Hills commercial landlord Richard Ziman has been exploring sites in Hawthorne with the intention of building a stadium-entertainment center and luring an existing NFL team to move there.

This is nothing new: He doesn’t have a prayer.

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WHAT HAPPENS IF the Arizona Cardinals lose their referendum for a new stadium in November?

Billy Bidwill wrestles Al Davis at halftime of the first Los Angeles XFL game with the winner bringing his losing team to the Coliseum next year. And Roski wins my house.

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IS THERE ANY hope?

If Casey Wasserman continues to learn the football business as an Arena League owner, flashing the smarts and class that already have endeared him to so many influential people in L.A., and more important than anything, continues to go to lunch with his rich grandfather every weekend, he’s the guy.

The NFL loves his grandfather’s money. They like Casey too.

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THIS JUST IN: The Dodgers announced they have acquired Ismael Valdes.

“The Dodgers win the pennant! The Dodgers win the pennant!”

Get a grip.

“Kevin Malone has lost it! Kevin Malone has lost it!”

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LET’S GET BACK to basics. Pete Sampras makes history, Venus Williams rocks at Wimbledon, and Sports Illustrated puts some baseball lug on the cover.

Tiger Woods’ performance in the British Open is memorable, and SI runs a picture of William “Refrigerator” Perry on the cover.

This is what happens when a magazine messes with success. Why not just keep running a cover featuring Anna Kournikova every week?

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“SCARY MOVIE”: There is a one-game playoff between the Dodgers and Arizona Diamondbacks, and it’s Carlos Perez’s turn in the rotation to pitch for the Dodgers.

Against Curt Schilling.

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“WHAT LIES BENEATH”: Unlike ‘Scary Movie,’ which is a comedy, this one really is scary. There is a one-game playoff between the Dodgers and Diamondbacks, and it’s Ismael Valdes’ turn in the rotation to pitch for the Dodgers.

Against any warm body.

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I WENT TO the Sparks’ game the other night knowing it would be the only place in L.A. where I didn’t have to worry about traffic, a parking place or running into any celebrities.

I watched the Dodgers on the media room TV, and after someone told me the Sparks’ game was over, I talked to Lisa Leslie. People who watch the Sparks told me she has made 49 consecutive free throws, so just to break the ice, I walked up to her and said, “Jinx.”

Well, she got all serious like anybody is really counting how many free throws a WNBA player has made, and she tells me that ever since Coach Michael Cooper announced anyone missing a free throw would have to shoot 50 more in practice, she hasn’t missed.

I didn’t ask for her life story; I just said, “Jinx.”

So she says, “I don’t believe in any of that stuff. God has a plan for me, and none of that stuff has any impact on what happens to me.”

I can’t be there tonight for the Sparks’ game because I’ve already exceeded the number of Sparks’ games I’d like to attend in a season by one, but when Leslie goes to the free-throw line, I’ll be there in spirit.

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TODAY’S LAST WORD comes in an e-mail from Glennon:

“I would pay a thousand bucks to sit behind home plate and watch Kevin Brown throw 90-mph fastballs at you. I would be praying he would bean you right in the smart aleck. And he’d do it too.”

I have no doubt he’d try--but I don’t think he could find my smart aleck.

P.S. You’d have to pay $1,002. You forgot the Dodgers’ $2 handling charge.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at his e-mail address: t.j.simers@latimes.com.