Funny How Lakers Are Approaching Things

Before Game 3 of the NBA finals here Sunday, the Conseco Fieldhouse scoreboard displayed a message.

“In 49 states, it’s just basketball.

“But this is Indiana.”

Judging from the last two endless days, before Game 4 tonight they should perhaps display a different message.

“In 49 states, it’s just summer.

“But this is a steaming, suffocating purgatory.”

No offense to a city that has been an eager, helpful host even to those who wouldn’t know Bobby Plump from Farmer John.

But the place moves like Rik Smits.

If L.A. is powdered sugar, then Indianapolis is syrup.

That doesn’t make it worse, just slower, and infinitely more dangerous to a team that plays best when somebody rubs two sticks together under their sneakers.

The Lakers are bored. The Lakers play poorly when bored.

The Lakers, despite leading the series only two games to one, are seemingly entering today’s game with a yawn the size of Kobe Bryant.

This is not good. This is not the desperation that carried them against Sacramento, or the resolve that triumphed over Portland.

This is, well, funny.

That’s how we know the Lakers are bored.

Because on Tuesday, they were funny.

Ron Harper conducted his entire interview lying on the scorer’s table.

“I’m bored,” he admitted, which is another way we knew. “I’ve gotten a lot of rest and sleep in Indy.”

Bryant conducted his interview with his floppy hat cocked so far to the side, it was no longer fashionable, it was Goober.

He was asked, is there any possible scenario in which he would not play tonight?

“Any snipers in this room?” he said.

Then there was Shaquille O’Neal.

The tough guy stayed home. The real guy showed up.

It was less an interview session than a delightful comedy routine, which is a little scary to those who understand Shaq’s rule of resonance:

The lower the mumbles, the bigger the wins.

Shaq walked to the podium underneath the Conseco stands with his hand on his ear, pantomiming someone turning up a hearing aid.

This was a playful shot at the writer who Monday asked him if he could please speak up.

Then when Shaq was asked the first question, he answered it by wildly moving his lips and gesturing as if giving an expansive reply . . . except nothing came out.

He was just getting started.

He was asked if, because of his stardom, officials look the other way on three-second calls.

“Not really,” he said. “It’s just that my game is full of tai chi.”

Thinking that was the name of an Indiana University international basketball transfer currently beaten senseless, a confused reporter asked Shaq to elaborate.

“Karate. Motions, dancing, breathing,” he said.

And what does that have to do with standing in the lane for three seconds?

“I’m programmed. . . . I get in for 2.88 seconds and then I’ll step out,” he said. “Then I get in for 2.91 seconds and then I’ll step out.”

The questioning moved on to free-throw shooting, a topic sure to set Shaq’s jaw, considering he made only three of 13 in the Game 3 defeat and has lost his rhythm.

But no.

“I think everything happens for a reason,” he said. “I think with my game being the way it is, if I did shoot 80%, I’d be a harder person to deal with. It just keeps me humble.”

He continued, “Just imagine me in my game shooting the same percentage that Reggie Miller shoots. I wouldn’t even have to talk to you guys because I wouldn’t have to.”

Start laugh track.

Start worrying.

We love it when the Lakers pull open that heavy drawer containing their many colorful personalities and give the world a peek.

We just hope it doesn’t mean they won’t be as quick to close out Indiana.

We just hope they’re not waiting to put us through that Portland agony again.

Ladies and gentlemen, back to Shaq.

He was asked about the Nietzsche book given to him by Coach Phil Jackson at the start of the season.

“Well, being that I have a second-grade reading level . . . ,” he said with a smile. “From what I gather, that Nietzsche was so unique that they thought he was crazy. So they put him in a mental home. Phil thinks I’m very unique to a point where I might be crazy.”

Time to address Glen Rice.

Earlier in the day, the controversy was quashed with a simple but resounding snarl from Jackson.

“Glen and I have a good relationship, we know where we’re at,” he said. “I play who I want to play, when I want to play them, how and when it’s best for the team . . . and that’s it.”

Shaq, however, took a different tack.

“Yeah, I had some rice with my chicken last night,” he said. “I wanted some gravy, but gravy was fattening and I’m trying to lose weight.”

And while you’re out there breaking a leg, Shaq, any thoughts on Kobe’s ankle?

“I would tell him to cut it off, go on the Internet, and get a new ankle,” he said.

The interviews ended, all the players but Kobe began jogging around the court, then one of them threw a laundry bag at Kobe’s ankle.

Everyone laughed.

A fun day.

A frightening day.

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Bill Plaschke can be reached at his e-mail address: bill.plaschke@latimes.com.