Lakers vs. Trail Blazers: Conspiracy Theories

After Game 2, I now believe that the Lakers will win the championship this year. Here is how I made this determination: 1) the series is being broadcast on NBC. 2) Game 1 set the tone by Rasheed Wallace being thrown out for staring. 3) The Lakers were mugged by the Jail Blazers during the first three quarters of Game 2.

Theory: NBC and the NBA have concocted this series as the championship series. No surprise there; the East doesn’t have a team to match up. Game 1 was given to the Lakers by gift-wrapping Wallace and sending him packing. Game 2 was given to the Trail Blazers by allowing them to hold Shaq down (literally) without incurring any fouls. The referees control the games. It smells like a TV ratings increase for Friday’s Game 3. I assure the public, though, that the series will be even when it comes back to L.A. Not since Michael Jordan retired has there been anything remotely interesting (sorry, Vince Carter).

That said, the league is tainted in my eyes and I’m not sure if I should keep the season tickets I’ve had for five years (yes, since the last year the Lakers didn’t make the playoffs). Or maybe I should ride this new WWF style of marketing the NBA has picked up. Hey, at least my Lakers will be winning championships!

RAYMOND SANTIAGO

Northridge

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I’m so happy that the NBA/NBC consortium has suggested a solution to those nasty, persistent and ratings-harming fouls committed against Shaquille O’Neal by the Portland Trail Blazers. To recap: They foul Mr. O’Neal more than other players because Mr. O’Neal misses free throws, hence giving the Trail Blazers an advantage. This hurts television ratings by (1) slowing Mr. O’Neal’s sumo-style moves to the hoop, (2) causing overexposure of Mr. O’Neal’s “Gong Show”-style free-throw technique, and (3) by benefiting a city (Portland) with fewer television viewers than Los Angeles.

The solution, now being discussed by the NBA, is to let someone else shoot free throws for Mr. O’Neal, so Los Angeles can resume its rightful place as world champion.

Sports purists, what few remain, claim the Portland strategy is part of the sport, but bottom-liners know the “game” of basketball lost its relevance once NBA/NBC realized there’s more profitability in exhibitions of individual skill than by allowing team play.

Great idea. May I suggest some additional rules changes to benefit other sports?

Baseball Problem: Still some low-scoring games. Solution: Make pitchers who still limit ESPN highlights by occasionally getting batters out by throwing with hand other than their dominant one. (The Pedro/Big Unit Rule).

Football Problem: Too few touchdown passes. Solution: Defensive backs must wear pungent cologne. If the receiver can sniff it, defender is too close, and must move an additional five yards away.

Boxing Problem: Not enough controversy. Solution: If one of Don King’s fighters suffers a cut or bruise, his opponent is no longer permitted to strike the injured boxer in the damaged area.

Golf Problem: Not enough excitement: Solution: Bigger holes, fewer trees, more cheerleaders, cross-checking and slashing with putters now permitted.

JOHN CORCORAN

Calabasas

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Mike Dunleavy is a coward. His Hack-a-Shaq strategy was not disrespectful of this year’s most valuable player, Shaquille O’Neal, but his own players. Dunleavy told the world he has no confidence in his players’ ability to play defense or stop the Laker offense. It was a slap in the face of every athlete wearing the Trail Blazer uniform. From now own, let this strategy be known as the McD: Mike’s Coward Defense. And to Paul Allen, this is the worst kind of coaching money can buy. With this level of coaching by Dunleavy, I now pick the Lakers in five.

DAVID ARMENDARIZ

Garden Grove