O’Neal, Bryant Deserve a Rap on the Knuckles

Dear Mom and Dad: Sorry.

In life and the NBA, what goes around comes around, so those of us who shocked our parents with Elvis and announced our intention to take over the world at Woodstock (the original) deserved rap music. And here it is, on TV, radio, in commercials and everywhere else.

It’s even at Laker games, despite ticket prices that should make the place off limits to all young people except the offspring of actors, studio heads and other millionaires.

Still, basketball is played by young men like Shaquille O’Neal, the noted player-rapper, and Kobe Bryant, the up-and-coming player-rapper. Shaq’s influence over the organization being what it is--total--the Lakers even put “Bling Bling” (translation: jewelry) on their championship rings.

Then there was the home opener, where Phil Jackson, who knew better after seeing several of his Chicago Bulls’ teams whacked within minutes of accepting their rings, joined the fun with rap-style intros, after which, of course, his Lakers got whacked by the Utah Jazz. The only surprise was that the Utah players (old guys) didn’t get too sick to play while watching the ceremony.

OK, now that everyone around here is perfectly full of themselves . . .

Last season was great fun, but it was just one of those things. Now the Lakers will have to get to work because they have plenty to work on.

For example . . .

* You-know-who’s free-throw shooting--After working with Tex Winter last season, O’Neal developed an OK stroke, with his fingertips on the ball and a little arc on his shot, but he obviously didn’t spend the summer in a gym. His stroke is a mess again. His shot is so flat, it often hits the bottom of the rim, on its way up.

Shaq’s embarrassment comes out as defiance and stubbornness, which makes it hard for him to accept help, but he’s back to square one.

* You-know-who’s playmaking--It looked like Bryant got over the hump last season, but now it looks as if it’ll have to be more a process than an event.

Openers pose a particular challenge for Kobe, who has months of pent-up excitement just waiting to burst forth in the form of all the wild shots he took in the first game.

Bryant does spend his summers in gyms. He spent this one working on his outside shot. However, he looks too eager to test his prowess. It’s OK after the ball goes inside and comes back out, but that walking up and firing stuff is no good.

* You-know-who’s antics--That didn’t take long, did it?

In case you didn’t notice, Isaiah Rider’s baggage just hit town. In two games, while playing well, he drew two technicals, refused to talk to the media for the first time here and otherwise dominated news coverage of a team that recently won a championship without him.

Now the debate rages on press row: Are the refs picking on Rider?

Well, of course.

In case this has escaped Rider, that’s what you get after a career of strutting and pouting, which has taken you to your fourth team in six years on a bottom-dollar mostly non-guaranteed contract, despite your obvious gifts.

Personally, I hope they T you up whenever you pull your jersey aside to show the crowd your great heart. You may be a manly guy with a nice chest, but we don’t need to see it every time you make a shot. What would be impressive would be just going back and playing defense and sucking it up when things go wrong, like everybody else.

* Everyone else helping--You don’t even want to think what the Lakers would be like without Rider. In the first two games, three of their starters averaged a total of 11.5 points.

Sound like enough to keep your defending champions busy?

Luckily for them, whether they appreciate it, Jackson has leverage that makes him as powerful as any NBA coach since the invention of the guaranteed contract.

Phil doesn’t need to win anything else, or even coach if it isn’t rewarding. He won’t cover up problems, so everyone will be accountable. He was the best thing that ever happened to O’Neal and Bryant. It’s looking like a longshot, but he could even work for Rider.

Of course, the going could get bumpy. Welcome to the title defense.

FACES AND FIGURES

It has already been a bad season in Sacramento: Chris Webber keeps saying he won’t discuss his free agency--then discussing it in terms that suggest:

1. He’d love to be a Laker but understands it’s impossible; 2. He’s intrigued at the thought of playing alongside Latrell Sprewell in New York; 3. No way will he stick around Sacramento. “When you go to war with guys every night, to some guys it’s funny and to other guys it’s serious,” Webber says. “I want to play with the guys who take it serious, who are hard to deal with after a loss, like me, and will just sit in the car and be quiet.” King insiders say this isn’t aimed at wild Jason Williams, whom Webber loves, but at easygoing Vlade Divac.

Things have looked better in Chicago too: Lottery pick Jamal Crawford played only six minutes in the first two games while 5-foot-11 No. 2 pick Khalid El-Amin started ahead of him. Brad Miller, one of the few free agents willing to consider Chicago, signed a five-year, $13-million deal, showed up fat and was beaten out by someone named Michael Ruffin. Then there’s 6-11 Yugoslav Dragan Tarlac, whom Bull fans have heard about since he was drafted in 1995 and are finally seeing. “I don’t view him as being any different than any of our rookies, other than he has two weeks less camp,” Coach Tim Floyd says. “ . . . I think it’s going to take time, probably a longer time than people expected.”

Like Elden, but without the fire: The Warriors are improved everywhere but center, where mopey Erick Dampier is wearing on teammates. Said Mookie Blaylock, “Sometimes he walks around like he doesn’t want to be out there. We’ve got a good group of guys that are out here working hard and having fun, not who don’t want to be here.” Added Chris Mills, “It’s been a while since I’ve seen Damp give an effort.”

Sparing no sacred cows, New Jersey Net Coach Byron Scott zinged No. 1 pick Kenyon Martin and Stephon Marbury in camp. After Marbury opened the season shooting three for 17, Scott got him again, noting, “I’ve been around this game long enough to know you can’t coast in the preseason and expect to turn the switch on. I was with Magic [Johnson] a number of years and he treated the preseason as if it were the regular season. He just went after people and that got him ready for the regular season. I think a young guy at 23 years old didn’t understand that, but I think he understands that now. I know it’s a big burden to say if he plays well, we win, but it’s that simple. If he plays well, we win.” Said Marbury, not quite devastated, “Starbury’s going to always be Starbury. I just had a bad game yesterday, man.”

Vancouver, we hardly knew ye: New Grizzly owner Michael Heisley, who’s from Chicago, says he won’t “sit here and eat double-digit millions of dollars for a long period of time, I’ll tell you that.” That should have brought those Grizzlies’ fans flocking to the arena. It shouldn’t be long before Heisley is accepting bids from New Orleans, Nashville, St. Louis, Anaheim. . . . More tough times: Shortly after Vancouver guard Damon Jones bought a $90,000 Mercedes-Benz to celebrate his new two-year contract, it was stolen from valet parking at a Vancouver restaurant. “I mean, I can understand my car being stolen off the street or somewhere where it wasn’t protected,” said Jones. “But from valet parking? That’s kind of hard to swallow. I’m very upset, but I still think Canadian people are very good.”

They’re good at getting into cars, anyway: In April, Vancouver conditioning coach Robert Hackett’s car was stolen too. However, the thieves considerately unbolted the child seat, removed the child stroller and left them behind for Hackett. . . . Sun owner Jerry Colangelo, on trading Luc Longley: “We expected more of Luc, and we didn’t have very high expectations.”