Ranger Training Comes in Handy

Randy Galloway of the Fort Worth Star-Telegram has an “urgent message for George W.: Call off the search for Osama. He has been located. Mr. Bin Laden is hiding in the Rangers’ clubhouse as new General Manger John Hart attempts to work out a trade with the Northern Alliance.

“By reputation, which was formed through attitude, behavior and stupidity, Red Sox outfielder Carl Everett managed to accomplish last season the seemingly impossible. He surpassed John Rocker for the title of the worst human being in baseball.

“And now, just in time for Christmas, Hart is bringing both to Arlington.”

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Trivia time: Who are the only Lakers to be named the NBA’s most valuable player?

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The “pope” speaks out: Boxer Mike Tyson’s outside-the-ring problems continue to catch the attention of his former promoter, Don King.

“When I was with him, I was like the pope,” King said. “I absolved him of all of his sins. Everything he did, it was all Don King’s fault. Whatever it was, the Johnstown flood, World War II, Don King’s to blame.

“Now he’s to blame. He lost that defense. Now he’s waking up to see what time it is.”

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Fundamental failures: Greg Cote of the Miami Herald writes that the Dolphins are lucky to have a 9-4 record: “This season so far could be subtitled, ‘Failing the Fundamentals of Football.’ Running, stopping the run and turnovers would be any coach’s bedrock fundamentals. Miami is doing none of them well.”

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Touchy, touchy: Al Lesar of the South Bend (Ind.)Tribune, in an interview with South Carolina Coach Lou Holtz: “[Holtz], who will turn 65 next month, was asked about the legions of people who are urging his return to Notre Dame.

“‘Those are probably the same people who pushed me out, according to the media,’ he said. ‘I was not pushed out at Notre Dame.”’

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Versatile: Utah State punter Steve Mullins had a good year, but at one practice he botched a punt and it went nine yards.

Unfazed, he told Coach Mike Dennehy: “Coach, if we ever get down to the opponents’ 10-yard line and really need to pin them down, I can do that.”

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Sob story: After the World Cup draw left England’s soccer team in the same group as Argentina, Sweden and Nigeria, the British newspaper The Independent ran the headline: “Cry for us, it’s Argentina.”

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Initial reaction: Free-agent pitchers T.J. Mathews and C.J. Nitkowski agreed Friday to one-year contracts with the Houston Astros.

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Trivia answer: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Magic Johnson, three times apiece, and Shaquille O’Neal.

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And finally: Laura Vecsey of the Seattle Post-Intelligencer has a solution to the beer-bottle-throwing fans in NFL stadiums: Bring back wax cups: “The wax cup used to be an integral part of the beer-drinking experience, because of the way the foam would bubble off the wax and make it fall into the beer.

“By the time you were down to your final, warm, wax-filled swig the cup would be so limp and useless it was on the verge of complete disintegration, ready made for the recycling bin. ... Now, beer is a lethal weapon.”