Instead of Water, This Bucket Has Confetti

Bernie Lincicome of the Rocky Mountain News has some advice for Kobe Bryant on how to deal with Shaquille O’Neal:

“I think we can help Bryant here with suggestions on how to further nettle O’Neal. I’m thinking of one of the Globetrotter stunts where a rubber band is attached to the ball and Bryant tosses the ball toward Shaq and just as he reaches for it . . . well, it’s an old stunt but a classic.

“Here’s another thought. When O’Neal is at the free-throw line, clanking the ball off some piece of apparatus, Bryant cackles behind him and then when Shaq turns to see who is laughing, Bryant points at [Phil] Jackson and smirks.”

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Trivia time: Who holds the Pacific 10 record for assists in a conference basketball game?

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Real trench warfare: Baltimore Raven defensive tackle Sam Adams says he needed a breath of fresh air after playing against Raider offensive lineman Steve Wisniewski, whom he called “Yuck mouth” after Sunday’s game.

“His breath is so bad you need to play against him with a gas mask.”

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Misery loves company: Former Chicago Cub first baseman Mark Grace, now with the Arizona Diamondbacks, has been a fan of the woeful NFL Arizona Cardinals.

“Only a longtime Cub fan could be a longtime Cardinals’ fans,” he quipped.

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Reversing roles: Joe Gergen in Newsday: “The Ravens’ situation is not unlike that of the old Lions, whose defensive captain, linebacker Joe Schmidt, offered instructions to quarterback Milt Plum as he led the offense onto the field, ‘Hold them.’ ”

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Zzzz: How boring was a recent Dallas Stars-Florida Panthers game?

“Right across from our bench in the first row, there was a guy asleep on his wife’s shoulder,” Star winger Brett Hull said. “I pointed it out to a whole bunch of guys. I said, ‘There’s another satisfied NHL customer.’ ”

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Agate page? Mark Kriedler in the Sacramento Bee: “Scariest phone call of the week: ‘So now that the Raiders are out of the playoffs, will you guys finally give the XFL the coverage it deserves?’ ”

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He wasn’t even tired: Reader Jim Angerman of Pasadena offers this bit of trivia:

Question: What is the shortest punt return for a touchdown in NFL playoff history?

Answer: Five yards by Shaun Gayle of the Chicago Bears on Jan. 5, 1986, against the New York Giants. The Giant punter barely ticked the ball and Gayle went “all the way.”

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Super bargain: Jim Armstrong in the Denver Post: “Great news: A working man can take his family of four to the Super Bowl for the same $1,300 it cost last year. Parking the Ferrari, however, will be an extra 50 bucks.”

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More Armstrong: “Ah, Minnesota, the Land of 10,000 Lakes and one very large sieve. To wit: The Vikings in their past six playoff losses have allowed 35, 40, 38, 30, 49 and 41 points.”

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Looking back: On this date in 1972, Dodger pitcher Sandy Koufax became the youngest player elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame at age 36.

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Trivia answer: California’s Jason Kidd, who had 18 assists against Stanford on Jan. 20, 1994.

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And finally: Baltimore Raven defensive tackle Tony Siragusa, dismissing complaints about his thoughtless squashing of Oakland Raider quarterback Rich Gannon in the AFC championship game on Sunday: “If you’re worried about getting hit, go get some golf clubs.”