TOTO, WE’RE NOT IN CANDLESTICK ANYMORE

Carolina at Miami, 10 a.m. Panther Coach George Seifert, a creature of old habits, watched his team average 4.4 yards per rushing play and 2.2 yards per pass last Sunday against the Jets, yet refused to call an audible, allowing his team to pass 62% of the time in a 13-12 defeat. News travels slowly in Carolina, so as a public service, we now repeat: “His name is Weinke. Does not rhyme with Montana.”

The line: Miami by 10.

HE’LL BE HEADLINING NEXT WEEKEND AT THE LAUGH STOP

Dallas at New York Giants, 10 a.m. On deck, in case anything happens to Cowboy starting quarterback Clint Stoerner ... Ryan Leaf . There are a thousand one-liners here, but I’ll turn it over to Dallas Coach Dave Campo, a very funny man: “If the situation warrants it and we need more firepower, I wouldn’t hesitate [to bring in Leaf].” And: “We are certainly going to get Ryan into the football game.” And: “It doesn’t have to be this week, but it’s critical for us that we get an evaluation of Ryan in our system.” I tell you, he’s got a million of ‘em.

The line: New York by 101/2.

IT ONLY HURTS WHEN HE LOOKS AT GAME FILM

Jacksonville at Tennessee, 10 a.m. Titan Coach Jeff Fisher on the possible risk of further injury Eddie George faces if he plays today: “The risk is a lack of production. Eddie has not been able to get over the hump.” Fisher on his injury-riddled secondary: “This is the National Football League. They’re being paid very well. They’re expected to make those plays.” Fisher on his offensive line: “The offensive line is 2-4 like the rest of us.” The Titans might be struggling a bit, but it’s good to see the coach hasn’t lost his sense of humor.

The line: Tennessee by 3.

GOING OUT ON A LIMB, I WOULDN’T THINK SO

Indianapolis at Buffalo, 10 a.m. Meanwhile, back in Indianapolis, Edgerrin James is coping with adversity in his own way. Having sat out two practices because of a sprained knee, and then his chance to talk to reporters about it because he was undergoing treatment, James issued a statement Wednesday saying, “We’ve ordered a new leg and it should be here by Friday.” Everyone in the Colt organization got a laugh out of that, except for Coach Jim Mora, who grabbed that statement again, gave it a second look and wanted to know if you could order defensive backs from the same place.

The line: Off.

TERRY GLENN, MEET CARL EVERETT

New England at Atlanta, 10 a.m. Terry and the Patriots, the latest installment: Since making his only appearance for New England this season on Oct. 8, wide receiver Terry Glenn reportedly has been fined nearly $12,000 for missing treatment on his sore hamstring, missing a position meeting and, last week, refusing the coaching staff’s request that he work out on the Stairmaster machine. Glenn was fined $4,000 for that last one, prompting Glenn to respond, “It’s just another shot [Coach Bill Belichick] is taking at me. It’ll never stop. It’ll never stop.” Oh, sure it will. In this league, Terry, there’s a thing known as “waivers.”

The line: Atlanta by 3.

ON TO THIRD PLACE, AND THEN THE NFC SOUTH

Tampa Bay at Green Bay, 10 a.m., Channel 11. Buccaneer rookie linebacker Nate Webster told the Tampa Tribune he’s looking forward to today’s confrontation with Brett Favre because “Going up against an old veteran, a guy that I grew watching with his tricks of his trade, it’s a great opportunity that I don’t want to miss out on. Who knows when we’ll see him again?” At the rate the Bucs are going, 3-3 going on 3-4, it won’t be in the playoffs.

The line: Green Bay by 5.

JIM FASSEL’S WONDERING THE SAME THING

Philadelphia at Arizona, 1 p.m. After the Eagles scored only 10 points against both the Giants and the Raiders the last two weeks, quarterback Donovan McNabb was asked if there was a problem with the play-calling. “I would like to continue to play this position,” McNabb replied with a laugh. “I don’t think [Coach Andy Reid] will like it if we’re out there going against what he’s saying.” Funny. After the Eagles scored only 10 points against both the Giants and the Raiders, the question I’d like answered is: How in the world did they go 1-1?

The line: Philadelphia by 7.

T.O. LOGIC: IF WE HADN’T BLOWN THAT LEAD, I WOULDN’T HAVE HAD THE CHANCE TO BLOW IT

Detroit at San Francisco, 1 p.m. Quiz time, NFL fans: What was 49er wide receiver Terrell Owens talking about when he said, “It’s something that can come back to haunt us. It really did. It hurts, man.” a) The 49ers blowing a 19-point lead and losing to the Bears in overtime. b) 49er Coach Steve Mariucci blowing it by playing it safe and not wanting to run up the score on coaching friend Dick Jauron. c) Owens bobbling the overtime pass that Chicago’s Mike Brown intercepted and returned for a touchdown. When you’re finished, please put down your pencils. Don’t bobble them.

The line: San Francisco by 81/2.

BRIAN, REPEAT AFTER ME: ‘PIZZERIA UNO, DUE ... ‘

Cleveland at Chicago, 1:15 p.m. Bear linebacker Brian Urlacher has become a cult hero in Chicago, with the Bears having sold thousands of his No. 54 replica jerseys. Urlacher told the Washington Post he was eating at the Olive Garden last week when he saw a kid walk in wearing one of those jerseys. “I just kind of let that kid walk by,” Urlacher said. “I pulled my hat down.” And he should be embarrassed. A star NFL linebacker, pulling down major bucks, and the best he can do is the Olive Garden?

The line: Chicago by 5.

AND IF YOU DON’T LIKE THOSE NUMBERS, CHIEF FANS, DO NOT LOOK AT THE SCOREBOARD TODAY

Kansas City at San Diego, 1:15 p.m., Channel 2. Fact: The Chiefs are the No. 4-ranked passing team in the NFL, yet they are 1-6. Fact: Rookie wide receiver Snoop Minnis sat on the bench the last two games, yet he still leads the Chiefs in receptions with 17 and 266 yards. Conclusion: Statistics are meaningless, things are getting desperate in Kansas City, and Snoop is back in the starting lineup today.

The line: San Diego by 51/2.

THAT’S THE THANKS THEY GET

Seattle at Washington, 1:15 p.m. Together, they quarterbacked the Baltimore Ravens to a Super Bowl championship. (That’s their story, and they’re sticking to it.) Today, nine months after that historic achievement, Tony Banks and Trent Dilfer are reunited, wearing the colors of the 2-4 Washington Redskins and the 3-3 Seattle Seahawks. Can you name another team that won the Lombardi Trophy and then immediately blew out both its quarterbacks? No, because it hasn’t happened before and likely won’t again. Although Miami is always a possibility.

The line: Seattle by 21/2.

JETS’ GAME PLAN NOT ENDORSED BY TIGER WOODS

New York Jets at New Orleans, 5:30 p.m., ESPN. Jet Coach Herman Edwards on his team’s lethargic 13-12 victory over Carolina last week: “A win is good enough. It’s like golf. If you hit a tree five times and still make par, it doesn’t matter.” Like golf? That sounds like your standard Vinny Testaverde forward pass on third down and he’s flushed out of the pocket.

The line: New Orleans by 61/2.

CHUCKIE THE FIGHTING LEPRECHAUN?

Denver at Oakland, Monday, 6 p.m., Channel 7. The Jon Gruden-to-Notre Dame rumors won’t go away, and Denver Coach Mike Shanahan--big surprise here--is having great fun with them. Shanahan says he hopes Al Davis won’t pay Gruden “the type of contract he deserves when his contract is up, so we can get [Gruden] out of the AFC West. [Davis] has always been tight when it comes to head coaches. I’m hoping [Davis] doesn’t take care of him.” Hitch: Gruden still has a year remaining on his current Raider contract. Of course, when did a signature on a contract mean anything to Davis before?

The line: Oakland by 51/2.