You See It, You Don’t Need It

Top 10 candidates for NFL contraction, if and when ...

1. Baltimore Ravens. Their act grew tired long before they won the Super Bowl. The only thing on HBO more annoying than their “Hard Knocks” summer miniseries is “Arliss.” Contract them already. First pick in the dispersal draft goes to the Maryland State Penitentiary.

2. The NFC East. One of five teams over .500. None of five teams averaging 21 points a game. Tony Banks, Ryan Leaf, Jake Plummer, Kerry Collins. Merge the Cowboys with the Redskins and give Jerry Jones his pick of the contracted Cardinals. Prediction: Dallas will be back to 9-7 within three years.

3. Ryan Leaf. I know, this has been tried before. But the league, it keeps pulling him back in.

4. Kurt Warner’s “mom.” That Chunky Soup commercial is the creepiest ad of the football season, edging out “Don’t Say a Word” and the “I’ll never t-e-l-l” girl for first place. Followed closely by anything involving Howie Long.

5. The “Monday Night Football” booth. On their own, Al Michaels and Dan Fouts would match up with anyone and would do no worse than take Pat Summerall and John Madden into overtime.

6. Carters. Cris, supposed Inspirational Viking Veteran Presence, leads the league in finger-pointing, teammate-pushing, sideline tantrum-throwing and locker room-lawyering when he isn’t threatening to retire. (Who’s stopping him?) Dale, suspended for the last 11/2 years for violations of the league’s substance abuse program, has just signed with the Vikings, who apparently can’t get enough of that kind of veteran leadership. Kevin has been a bust with the 3-4 Tennessee Titans, who were 13-3 without him last season. The Bengals, however, still miss Virgil.

7. Fifth-place schedules. The early-season “surprises” (Bears, Browns, Chargers) are no surprises at all; they’re just playing easier schedules than everybody else. What happened to all the great teams and dynasties of yore? Bring back the balanced schedule and you shall see.

8. The Pro Bowl. Let me say it again, clearly, slowly: No one cares. Trade that should be made: Pack up the Pro Bowl, bring back the old NFL champions-versus-the-college-all-stars preseason game.

9. The Uniform Police. Let me say it again, clearly, slowly: Spousal abuse, bad. Murder arrests, bad. Steroid use, bad. Football socks an inch too high, give it a rest.

10. Georgia Frontiere. When the book is written about her St. Louis years, the title shall read: “When Good Things Happen to Clueless People.”’

TEN DARKEST DAYS IN DALLAS COWBOY HISTORY

10. Dec. 11, 1960. Expansion Cowboys lose their season finale at Detroit, 23-14, to finish their first season 0-11-1.

9. Jan. 1, 1967. Cowboys reach the NFL championship game in their seventh season, host the powerhouse Packers, trail by 14 points in the fourth quarter. Cowboys rally for one touchdown and are driving for a last-minute equalizer when Tom Brown intercepts Don Meredith’s fourth-down pass in the Packer end zone. Green Bay 34, Dallas 27.

8. Sept. 15, 1991. Troy Aikman is sacked 11 times in a 24-0 home defeat against the Philadelphia Eagles.

7. Nov. 17, 1985. Cowboys lose to Super Bowl-bound Chicago Bears, 44-0, the worst defeat in team history.

6. Oct. 18, 1970. Cowboys lose to Minnesota, 54-13, the club record for most points allowed in a single game.

5. Dec. 31, 1967. The Ice Bowl. The frozen tundra. “Most men would go for the field goal, but not Lom-BAH-di.” Bart Starr into the end zone behind the block of Jerry Kramer. Green Bay 21, Dallas 17.

4. Jan. 10, 1982. Joe Montana, Dwight Clark, “The Catch,” San Francisco 28, Dallas 27 in the NFC championship game.

3. Nov. 13, 1988. Cowboys lose at home, to the Vikings, 43-3, in front of 57,830 livid, jeering fans. Loss was the seventh in a streak of 10 consecutive defeats, sending Tom Landry into retirement at 3-13.

2. April 9, 2001. After 12 seasons of consummate professionalism, 47 club passing records, six Pro Bowl appearances and three Super Bowl victories, Aikman announces his retirement.

Nov. 11, 2001. Ryan Leaf starts at quarterback against the Atlanta Falcons.

DETROIT LIONS: CHASING HISTORY

The Quest: To become the first NFL team to finish a season 0-16.

Credentials to Date: 0-7, the Lions’ worst start since 1942, when Detroit finished 0-11, scoring a total of 38 points in those 11 games.

Next Defeat: Today against Tampa Bay.

Odds for Success: Good, actually. Will be underdogs in at least six of their last eight games--Green Bay, Chicago twice, Tampa Bay again, Minnesota, Pittsburgh.

Remaining Obstacles: Next Sunday’s game at Arizona could be problematic. But, should they lose there, Lions could run the table until Jan. 7--and what a season finale that would be: 0-15 Detroit, inches from the record, playing host to Dallas.

Historical Footnote: The winless ’42 Lions had three different players with more than 40 passing attempts. In 2001, Lion Coach Marty Mornhinweg has tried Charlie Batch, Ty Detmer and Mike McMahon at quarterback.