THEN YOU’D SAY, ‘HOW IN THE WORLD ARE THEY 5-2?’

Miami at Indianapolis, 10 a.m. What would you say if you were told the Miami Dolphins ranked 20th in the league in rushing and next to last in yards per rush? You’d say it was 1997 and Dan Marino was starting at quarterback. What would you say if I told you, no, those statistics belong to the 2001 Dolphins and Lamar Smith, who has netted 126 yards in 63 carries over the last three games? That’s right. “Bet the Colts.”

The line: Indianapolis by 3.

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EVENTUALLY, ALL YOU’RE LEFT WITH ARE PUNTS AND THE STEELER DEFENSE

Pittsburgh at Cleveland, 10 a.m. Pittsburgh TV station KDKA got caught with its hands in the Digital Time Manipulation Machine, so to speak, when Steeler fans complained that action on TV was trailing Myron Cope’s calls on radio by as many as 30 seconds. KDKA ‘fessed up and pleaded guilty to using “time reduction” technology to digitally squeeze a Steeler telecast to create extra space for commercials. The process sounds complicated but simply involves deleting similar frames during a broadcast: Kordell Stewart handing the ball to Jerome Bettis. Kordell Stewart throwing incompletions. Lots of similar frames in your basic Steeler telecast.

The line: Pittsburgh by 3.

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TOUGH CROWD, THAT GEORGIA DOME

Dallas at Atlanta, 10 a.m. In which Diane Chandler gets in a fight with surrounding Falcon fans derisively chanting, “Your husband’s no better than the guy quarterbacking the Cowboys.” Followed by Bob Christian’s father quickly stepping in to intercept a Ryan Leaf swing pass that would have knocked the poor woman out cold if he hadn’t taken such decisive action.

The line: Off.

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BY GEORGE ... ON SECOND THOUGHT, WE’D RATHER NOT

Carolina at St. Louis, 10 a.m. With Chris Weinke banged up and Dameyune Craig out for the season because of a foot injury, Matt Lytle is expected to start for the Panthers against the Rams today. And, still, Jeff George remains unemployed.

The line: St. Louis by 171/2.

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STAY TUNED, YOU WON’T WANT TO MISS IT

Kansas City at New York Jets, 10 a.m. We interrupt this column to contemplate the following: Which is the strangest development of this NFL season, the Chiefs’ Priest Holmes ranking second in the league in rushing or the Jets undefeated on the road at 4-0? Discuss among yourselves. Take your time. Damien Robinson’s next $20,000 fine for something either flagrant or foul or illegal (or all three) isn’t expected for another 10 minutes.

The line: New York by 41/2.

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IT COULD BE WORSE. THEY COULD CALL HIM ‘ROB JOHNSON’

Buffalo at New England, 10 a.m. Here’s a story ... about a man named

The line: New England by 6.

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TY DETMER, ODD MAN OUT

Tampa Bay at Detroit, 10 a.m. We know football isn’t war because in war, you send up the white flag and in football, if you’re coaching the Detroit Lions, you send in Rutgers rookie Mike McMahon to play quarterback. That is what Marty Mornhinweg did last week during a 21-13 loss to San Francisco--and he plans to alternate McMahon with Charlie Batch again today against Tampa Bay. Batch, who completed eight of 20 passes for 74 yards against the 49ers, says: “You have to accept it. There’s not much you can do about it.” Well, playing better is always an option. Or then again, maybe it isn’t.

The line: Tampa Bay by 5.

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BETTER SPEAK SOFTLY AND FIND SOME NEW DEFENSIVE BACKS

Cincinnati at Jacksonville, 10 a.m. What happened to the Tom Coughlin we used to know? Jaguar owner Wayne Weaver, displeased with recent losses to Baltimore and Tennessee, is quoted on the team’s Web site describing Coughlin’s fourth-quarter defensive scheme as “soft ... [it] is just not getting it done.” Coughlin, returning fire: “We didn’t do anything to stop them. Those are the owner’s comments. He certainly was there and observed it.” What happened to the Tom Coughlin we used to know? Oh-and-five after a 2-0 start, that’s what.

The line: Jacksonville by 41/2.

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MIKE SHANAHAN DOESN’T WANT TO HEAR OPTION F

San Diego at Denver, 1 p.m., Channel 2. Now that the Broncos have had two offensive linemen fined $15,000 apiece for illegal blocks and have replaced the Raiders as the Dirtiest Team in the NFL, the Denver Post Web site asked fans to assess the Broncos’ blocking techniques. “Acceptable” received 49% of the vote, “questionable” was next at 26%, “deplorable” was third at 12%. Next week’s poll: “At 4-5, the Broncos’ record is a) questionable, b) deplorable, c) a joke, d) good reason to move back to Mile High Stadium, e) high time to try more illegal blocks.”

The line: Denver by 51/2.

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TIM McCARVER SAYS, ‘NO CHANCE IN THIS LIFE OR THE NEXT’

New York Giants at Arizona, 1:15 p.m. Big game in the desert, New York vs. Arizona, Fox’s cameras are there. It’s late. Score is tied. New York can’t get anything going on offense. Arizona’s Jake Plummer is gassed, but Dave McGinnis has no one up in the bullpen. New York brings its defense in. Plummer hands the ball to Michael Pittman. Pittman rears back to throw but is jammed. Harmless-looking floater loops over the drawn-in defense. It falls to David Boston in the end zone. Arizona wins! Arizona wins! Cardinals are champions of ... well, their own finely lubed imaginations.

The line: New York by 51/2.

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WHEN THE SAINT GOES ARCHING A HELMET OVER THE SIDELINE GATORADE TUB

New Orleans at San Francisco, 1:15 p.m., Channel 11. Statistic of the week: In his first 32 NFL starts, San Francisco’s Jeff Garcia has passed for 8,157 yards and 52 touchdowns. At the same stages in their careers, Joe Montana had 7,198 yards and 45 touchdowns and Steve Young 6,827 yards and 48 yards. What does it mean? That 2001 NFL Helmet Toss Champion Kyle Turley can outdistance them all.

The line: San Francisco by 3.

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NEITHER ONE HAS A ROBERT SMITH, EITHER

Minnesota at Philadelphia, 1:15 p.m. So, 31 months after the fact, which one would you rather draft, Daunte Culpepper or Donovan McNabb? Both have 41 touchdown passes and 24 interceptions. Both led overachieving teams to playoff victories last season. Culpepper started the Pro Bowl, McNabb should have been league MVP. The difference comes down to supporting casts. McNabb doesn’t have anything close to Randy Moss of 1999 and 2000. Then again, neither does Culpepper.

The line: Philadelphia by 4.

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WITH FRIENDS LIKE THAT, WHO NEEDS MIKE HOLMGREN?

Oakland at Seattle, 5:30 p.m., ESPN. Matt Hasselbeck is 1-4 as the Seahawks’ starting quarterback, is last in the AFC passing ratings at 59.1, but is trying to keep a sense of humor. “I’ve been taking it on the chin with the media a little bit,” Hasselbeck says. “Some of my friends around the league have called and said, ‘Hey, what’s going on? I heard you [stink], basically.”’ Basically?

The line: Oakland by 6.

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ARE YOU READY FOR SOME EARPLUGS?

Baltimore at Tennessee, Monday, 6 p.m., Channel 7. What is this? Shannon Sharpe in search of self-improvement and personal growth? “Yeah, I’d like to have the humility of a Tiger Woods or a Ken Griffey Jr.,” Sharpe says as a nation leans in closer, ever hopeful. “But then I wouldn’t be Shannon Sharpe. I think what you see is what you get and that is what makes me who I am.” Sorry. False alarm. We return you Monday to your regular programming.

The line: Baltimore by 11/2.