A Less Filling, Thrilling ‘Iron Chef’

Attention, “Iron Chef” fans: Someone moved our cheese.

Rest assured, the campy original series from Japan is still on the Food Network, Fridays through Sundays. But, sadly, tonight’s premiere of “Iron Chef USA” (9 p.m. UPN), set in Las Vegas, is a hollow shell of the cult classic.

Start with the basic ingredients, good ones all: An eccentric zillionaire assembles a stable of four Iron Chefs, representing different cooking styles, to battle in a kitchen stadium. One is chosen to face a challenger, and both have an hour to create meals using a theme ingredient. Commentators, a play-by-play man and a crowd follow the action. At the end, third-rate-celebrity judges determine “whose cuisine will reign supreme.”

Then, in four easy steps, follow this recipe for disaster:

Step 1--Salt the ham. William Shatner has been placed in a weird position, as the elliptical Chairman who oversees the bread-and-circus spectacle. He seems stuck somewhere between playing this character, Capt. Kirk and himself in a Priceline ad. We never see him work the Shatner magic.

Step 2--Substitute hype for the original’s odd mystique. “Iron Chef USA” is slick where it should be clunky, from its Day-Glo graphics to its soundtrack and incessantly cheering crowd.

Step 3--Cut out the facts. Whereas “Iron Chef” classic delights in revealing the nuances of what’s cooking, the new formula doesn’t sufficiently explain what Iron Chef American Todd English and challenger Kerry Simon will present to the judges or how the dishes reflect their culinary backgrounds.

Step 4--Whip until frothy. Tonight’s judging panel consists of comedy writer Bruce Vilanch and actors Mark Famiglietti, Elise Neal and Brande Roderick. Vilanch delivers the most insufferable of the comments. As for Playmate of the Year Roderick, the announcers leer at her eating a spicy crab caramel dip--in slo-mo replay.

Let the real “Iron Chef” reign supreme.