Coming Soon to a Screen Near You ...

A week ago, White House senior advisor Karl Rove flew to Beverly Hills to consult with the nation’s preeminent movie and television executives about ways in which the entertainment industry can help promote the American war effort.

Good move. Given Hollywood’s legendary knack for turning today’s headlines into tomorrow’s hits, it won’t be long before a new wave of audience favorites, drawn from the most current events, begin lighting up big and little screens across America.

Television

* “Saudi Doodi”: Designed to counter-program the anti-American doctrine currently espoused in Middle Eastern grade schools, this whimsical children’s entry stars a playful white-robed puppet who, along with his Bedouin sidekicks, Water Buffalo Bob and Clara Al Bell, the turbaned clown, teaches kids in the studio audience that Muslims too can embrace the joys of Happy Meals, Harry Potter merchandise and 24-hour access to “South Park.”

* “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire: Enduring Freedom Edition”: Hosted by Saudi Arabian Prince Alwaleed bin Talal bin Abdul Aziz Alsaud, this overseas installment of the hit game show features questions relating to the current calamity in the Middle East (e.g., Question: Where can you find the best shish-kabob in Kandahar? Next question: “Where did Kandahar go?”) The first episode features contestant Rudy Giuliani, who upon winning the million-dollar grand prize immediately returns the check to the prince.

* “Northern Alliance Exposure”: So long, Alaska, hello Afghanistan. In this imaginative adaptation of the quirky 1990s series, a Jewish physician working for Doctors Without Borders is mistakenly assigned to an anti-Semitic band of rebel fighters in Mazar-i-Sharif. Suspicion turns to adoration, however, when the ragtag alliance learns to appreciate Doc’s knack for navigating through HMO paperwork, dispensing antidepressants and helping them procure preferred-parking stickers for their camels.

* “Everybody Hates Osama”: And you thought Ray Romano had it bad?

In this proposed half-hour sitcom, the beleaguered Al Qaeda chief copes with relentless suburban angst, such as endless pleas for money from his pestering family, nagging telemarketers urging him to upgrade his cellular phone service--and the unbridled hatred of the entire Western world. In the pilot episode, Osama becomes enraged when his latest video message is accidentally erased by one of his 26 sons, who is secretly trying to tape a Britney Spears concert on MTV.

Film

* “The Shrek of Araby”: Everyone’s favorite ogre returns, this time blazing a trail across the dunes on a mission to rescue MSNBC reporter Ashleigh Banfield, who is being held on trumped-up charges of espionage by Islamabad police. Eddie Murphy co-stars as a donkey lost in pack-mule paradise.

* “Shallow Tal”: In this Muslim spin on the Farrelly brothers’ hit, a zealous Taliban warrior, indoctrinated with the belief that Americans are overfed infidels, is spiritually enlightened by a moderate cleric who teaches him to see the inner beauty of Westerners. Crammed with sophomoric sight gags (goat droppings and beard jokes abound), the film is followed by the sequels “There’s Something About Mufti” and “Me, Myself & Iran.”

* “Riding on Camels With Boys”: Drew Barrymore repeats her critically acclaimed film role as a down-on-her-luck single mother, now working as a waitress in the Oasis Coffee Shop at the Riyadh Ramada Inn. Vexed by the oppressive heat, bottom-pinching sheiks and a veil that’s perpetually dipping into the lentil soup, Barrymore perseveres, eventually landing the coveted job of Lottery Lady for the Al Jazeera Network.

* “Glitter”: “They’ve never seen a bomb this big!” agrees the Beverly Hills consortium.

No clever adaptation here--just a wide roll-out of the Mariah Carey musical biopic in multiplexes across Afghanistan. Military experts predict a Taliban surrender within a week.