Stars Are Realigned for These Picks

Next season, the NFL realigns into eight divisions of four, giving the Chicago Bears their best chance in years of finishing higher than fifth. But who wants to wait until then?

Here is how this year’s NFL would look if it were configured the same way as next year’s NFL. Because as George Allen used to say, the future is now.

AFC EAST

1. Miami: Starting quarterback for Opening Day, 2002: Ray Lucas.

2. New York Jets: Starting quarterback for Opening Day, 2002: Chad Pennington.

3. Buffalo: Bills learn the hard way: West Coast offense and raging Buffalo blizzards do not mix.

4. New England: Head coach for Opening Day, 2002: Not Bill Belichick.

AFC NORTH

1. Baltimore: HBO spent six weeks and hundreds of miles of videotape to bring us this scoop: Tony Siragusa is the biggest ham on the Ravens. Except when the camera’s on Brian Billick.

2. Pittsburgh: Starting quarterback for Opening Day, 2002: Tommy Maddox.

3. Cincinnati: Bengals have been down so long, Jon Kitna looks like up to them.

4. Cleveland: By the time Butch Davis is done rearranging furniture, only thing left will be Couch.

AFC SOUTH

1. Tennessee: The Titans envision themselves atop the victory podium in New Orleans next year, but you can’t get there on Air McNair.

2. Indianapolis: Indianapolis is as much a part of the South as Atlanta is the West. No wonder Jim Mora can’t find the second round of the playoffs.

3. Jacksonville: Will the last free agent out of town please take R. Jay Soward with him?

4. Houston: No players on the roster until next year. On paper, the best NFL team in Texas.

AFC WEST

1. Denver: From old stadium to new, the average ticket price rose 67%, to $77.41. Chester McGlockton had better be worth it.

2. Oakland: Stuck here until Al Davis moves to San Antonio, then sues the league to keep the A’s from playing anywhere within a 75-mile radius of the Coliseum.

3. San Diego: Atlanta ’98 ... St. Louis ’99 ... Baltimore ’00 ... San Diego ‘01? Yes, Charger fans, Ryan Leaf is gone, I know, but you really do need to get a grip.

4. Kansas City: Dick Vermeil turns 65 in October. Priest Holmes is his go-to running back. Trent Green has a dodgy knee and Joe Germaine is his backup. Dick Vermeil turns 75 in November.

NFC EAST

1. Philadelphia: Philadelphians are hopeful, as long as Larry Bowa isn’t allowed anywhere near the thing.

2. New York Giants: Joe Paterno, New York tabloids conduct document search to see if Kerry Collins has another year of college eligibility.

3. Washington: Opening Day, 2000: Redskins are consensus Super Bowl favorites. But we can laugh about it now.

4. Dallas: Yes, it is true--Quincy Carter has one thing in common with Troy Aikman. Aikman was 1-15 as a rookie too.

NFC NORTH

1. Green Bay: Missed the playoffs in 2000, has a user-friendly schedule, has Brett Favre, has that Super Bowl sleeper kind of look. Which reminds me: Can somebody please give Antonio Freeman a wakeup call?

2. Minnesota: Culpepper-to-Moss, Culpepper-to-Moss, Culpepper-to-Moss, Vikings tie it at 48-all, we head to overtime.

3. Detroit: Andre Ware, Gino Torretta, Ty Detmer. Old Heisman busts never die, they just move to Detroit.

4. Chicago: Head coach for Opening Day, 2002: Tony Dungy? Or Bill Parcells?

NFC SOUTH

1. Tampa Bay: Can’t wait for 2002. No sub-40-degree games in this division, ever. Unless it snows inside the Georgia Dome.

2. New Orleans: A real quarterback, at last. A playoff victory, at last. Next outrageous goal for Jim Haslett: holding home-field advantage through the postseason.

3. Atlanta: Dan Reeves is not the sort to panic. Which pushes back the over-under for Michael Vick’s first start from Columbus Day to Halloween week.

4. Carolina: For a free seat inside a 2002 television booth next to George Seifert, can you recite the Panthers’ quarterback depth chart? Chris Weinke, Dameyune Craig, Matt Lytle. Combined career NFL passing attempts: Zero.

NFC WEST

1. St. Louis: If Az-Zahir Hakim holds onto that punt in New Orleans, we could be talking three Lombardi Trophies in a row.

2. Seattle: Flying under the radar until the A’s knock the Mariners out of the playoffs.

3. San Francisco: Flying under the radar until Bonds hits No. 71.

4. Arizona: Flying under the radar until they land here, a division in which the Cardinals can actually compete. And where they can finish fourth instead of fifth.