Why Can’t the Jell-O Just Keep Jiggling Forever?

Doctors say Chick Hearn has probably called his last Laker game.

It’s probably true, yet we hold hope that Chick’s fairy-tale career has not been put in the refrigerator. Can’t we keep the door open a crack and the light on?

Don’t let the eggs cool. Don’t let the butter get hard.

The longer Hearn taunts time the longer we can pretend nothing’s changed when we know everything has. As long as we can dial in Chick’s voice, take an audio ride on that common thread, the more it prolongs a collective youth and makes us ignore the creeping gray in our hair.

Chick’s permeating voice is the cognitive link to a time when we were all 10, riding a paper route, listening to the Lakers from Boston, West vs. Havlicek, on a transistor radio attached to the handlebars of a gold banana-seat bicycle.

How come the people who tell us nothing lasts forever are always right?

If it’s true Chick’s machine-gun voice is out of ammo, think of it in these terms: He went out on top, calling home a third consecutive Laker championship.

Ted Williams hit a home run in his last at-bat for the Boston Red Sox.

Chick hit one out for the Lakers.

That’s not bad company.

News item: George Allen inducted into Pro Football Hall of Fame.

Second thought: Yep, it took another over-the-hill gang to get Allen into Canton.

The voting writers unjustly snubbed Allen for years, proving he was right when he said you never could trust rookies to get the job done.

Canton’s senior committee finally pushed Allen through, almost the way it was in the old days when balding and aging veterans helped push Allen’s Washington Redskins to the Super Bowl.

Allen always believed that line about youth being wasted on the young.

In waiting 12 years after his death to induct Allen, the selectors fumbled one of the old coach’s favorite axioms: The Future Is Now.

That phrase captured the essence of the man so much more than Better Late Than Never.

News item: Redskins defeat San Francisco 49ers, 38-7.

Second thought: Saturday night. Woke up on couch, dazed, staring at television test pattern. Wow, what a dream (note to self: no more pickles and ice cream). Somewhere between the remote and REM, Steve Spurrier was yakking into a headset and quarterback Danny Wuerffel was tossing touchdown passes. They were all in Japan. Except, get this, Florida was wearing Florida State uniforms! The opponent appeared to be Vanderbilt.

News item: Nielsen ratings fall for golf’s “Battle at Bighorn.”

Second thought: It may be time for a radical change in format, so how about:

* John Daly and Craig Stadler vs. Colin Montgomerie and Raymond Floyd in “Battle at Bulgehorn.”

* Mark Calcavecchia vs. Johnny Miller in “Battle at Big Mouth.”

* Hootie Johnson and Annika Sorenstam playing 18 holes for “Membership at Augusta.”

* Jean Van de Velde vs. Thomas Levet in “Jacque, Hand Me My Driver.”

News item: Another scandal rocks figure skating.

Second thought: Group of boxing leaders led by Don King signs letter urging International Skating Union to clean up its act for the good of all sports.

News item: Forty baseball Hall of Famers sign letter urging management and players to settle labor issues.

Second thought: Commissioner Bud Selig wants to auction the much-valued autographs on EBay and distribute 50% of the money equally among the ballclubs, the rest going toward the commissioner’s fund. He also favors a luxury tax on Sandy Koufax’s signature. Union chief Donald Fehr insists only 22.5% of the revenue should be shared with clubs and, citing privacy issues, refuses to allow management to call in handwriting experts to authenticate the Hall of Fame signatures.

News item: Alimzhan Tokhtakhounov charged with rigging skating events at Salt Lake Winter Games.

Second thought: Russian’s lawyers contend their client is nyet guilty and will maintain in court that if Tokhtakhounov had any real mob muscle in his country, don’t you think Anna Kournikova would have won a tennis tournament by now?

News item: Sparks’ Lisa Leslie records first dunk in a women’s professional game.

Second thought: Darryl Dawkins says call him when someone in the WNBA shatters a backboard. Dominique Wilkins threatens to sue if anyone refers to Leslie as “The Human Highlight Snippet.”

Other proposed nicknames: “Dr. Dunk Once” and “Sister Jam-A-Little.”

News item: Washington State picked to win Pacific 10 football title.

Second thought: Don’t miss Athletic Director Mike Garrett’s next lecture on how nothing’s changed in college football and why USC can be the dominant program it once was.

News item: Buddy Teevens replaces Tyrone Willingham as Stanford coach.

Second thought: Not to suggest some players are doing cartwheels in Palo Alto, but check out defensive tackle Mike Leonard’s comments on the change from the no-nonsense Willingham, now at Notre Dame.

“He wasn’t a guy you would invite home for dinner because he scared you. Coach Willingham was more general of a squad; Coach Teevens is more like the father of a family.”

Teevens’ response: “Matt will definitely start this year.”

News item: Major league players contemplate Aug. 16 strike date.

Second thought: What better way to symbolize the runaway greed and excess on both sides than to strike out on the anniversary of Babe Ruth and Elvis Presley’s deaths. Makes you sort of hanker for a peanut butter and fried banana sandwich.

News item: President Bush runs three miles in 20 minutes 29 seconds.

Second thought: This crushes by 45 minutes the White House record previously held by William Howard Taft.

News item: Bill Parcells signs as studio analyst on ESPN’s “Sunday NFL Countdown.”

Second thought: Can’t wait for his first breakdown of Green Bay Packer receiver Terry Glenn.

News item: Former Nebraska coach Tom Osborne runs unopposed for his seat in the House of Representatives.

Second thought: Not a big deal. For years, his football teams ran unopposed.