Curses ... No Soup for You!

Judging from what we’ve been seeing and hearing during this football season, the five worst things that can happen to an NFL player are:

5. Playing for the Oakland Raiders and losing the overtime coin toss.

4. Playing for the Detroit Lions and winning the overtime coin toss.

3. Playing quarterback for Steve Spurrier.

2. Getting traded to the Cincinnati Bengals.

1. Getting your own Chunky Soup commercial.

This has been quite a year for product placement in the NFL. Terrell Owens’ Sharpie. Randy Moss’ Lexus. Michael Vick’s invisible Firebolt 2002 jet pack. And, of course, Campbell’s Chunky Soup, which is ruining more good careers than ephedrine yet is nowhere to be found on the league’s list of banned substances.

Already, the Chunky Soup curse is part of NFL folklore. The word has been out for weeks: Make a Chunky Soup commercial, brace yourself for the unseen evil that already has claimed the following:

Terrell Davis: Forced into premature retirement by mysterious recurring knee injuries.

Kurt Warner: Lost his first four starts, broke a finger, lost his next two starts, broke his hand.

Jerome Bettis: First he got chunky, then he got hurt. Now, most weeks, he’s chunky and hurt.

Donovan McNabb: Broke his ankle in November and is done for the rest of the regular season.

Brian Urlacher: His Chicago Bears went 13-3 last season before he made the commercial. Since then, the Bears are 3-9.

Michael Strahan: He broke the league’s single-season record with 22.5 sacks in 2001, then made the commercial. Has only 11 sacks this season ... and, curiously, no games on the schedule against Brett Favre.

Eerie, isn’t it?

Clearly, the Chunky Soup curse has garnered the most publicity, but when it comes to supernatural hexes and jinxes floating around the NFL like Warner wobblers, it is not nearly alone. Believe it or not, there might be worse curses out there.

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Mike Brown Curse

The Bengals and the Bears are a combined 4-20 this season. The reason? Two men named Mike Brown.

One Mike Brown owns the Bengals -- has done so since 1990, the last year the Bengals had a winning record (9-7) and made the playoffs. After Brown took over, in 1991, the Bengals fell from first to worst, finishing 3-13 -- the team’s first of 12 consecutive non-winning seasons. Twice AFC champions in the 1980s, the Bengals are 54-134 since Brown became owner.

The other Mike Brown plays safety for the Bears and was considered something of a talisman during Chicago’s otherwise inexplicable 13-3 finish in 2001. Brown returned two interceptions for overtime touchdowns in 2001 and set up the Bears’ 2002 opening win over Minnesota with a last-minute interception.

Unfortunately for Brown, the football gods are easily distracted. Bored with this premise, the gods turned their attention to Marty Schottenheimer and Chad Pennington, leaving Brown and the Bears to fend for themselves. In their last 11 games, Brown and the Bears are 2-9.

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Georgia Frontiere Curse

In 1999, the football gods took a lengthy sabbatical, figuring the league was in safe hands with Favre and Peyton Manning. Upon their return, to their horror, they saw Georgia Frontiere hoisting the Lombardi Trophy on the Super Bowl victory podium, prompting them to bow their heads and solemnly vow: Never again.

In 2000, Warner and Marshall Faulk missed a combined seven games because of injury and the Rams barely scraped into the playoffs as a 10-6 wild card. In the Rams’ first-round playoff game against New Orleans, Az-Zahir Hakim mysteriously fumbled a punt late in the fourth quarter and the Saints -- previously winless in the playoffs -- held on for a 31-28 victory.

In 2001, the Rams rolled through the regular season 14-2, pounded the Packers and the Eagles in the playoffs ... and lost the Super Bowl to 14-point underdog New England.

It took nine months for the Rams to win again. After an 0-4 exhibition season and an 0-4 September, St. Louis went 5-0 behind third-string quarterback Marc Bulger, then went 0-2 with Warner and now are 5-7, with Jamie Martin starting today against Kansas City because Bulger, like Warner, is hurt.

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Dwayne Rudd Curse

The Cleveland Browns have been cursed ever since Rudd, an excitable sixth-year linebacker, committed the ultimate act of hubris -- spiking his helmet in celebration before the final play of the Browns’ season opener against Kansas City had finished, resulting in an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty and a field goal that turned a certain Cleveland victory into defeat.

Since then, the Browns have:

* Lost to Pittsburgh in overtime after blocking a field goal too well and too soon, allowing the Steelers to recover on second down and try the field goal again on third, this time resulting in a Steeler victory.

* Fallen behind Chris Redman and the Baltimore Ravens, 23-0, in an eventual 26-21 home defeat.

* Lost again to Pittsburgh after blowing a 14-3 lead at home and watching Tommy Maddox come off the bench to spark a 23-20 Steeler rally.

* Failed to score a touchdown at home against Carolina and lost, 13-6, to a Panther team that began the game on an eight-game losing streak.

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Coliseum Curse

Since 1950, five professional football teams have called the Los Angeles Coliseum their home. Today, none does.

Three of the former Coliseum dwellers -- the Rams, Raiders and Chargers -- now play their home games in St. Louis, Oakland and San Diego.

The two others -- the Express and the Xtreme -- are extinct.

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Heisman Trophy Curse

Well-documented curse in which the recipient of college football’s most hallowed prize usually fades into oblivion once his professional career begins. Most recent case: Eric Crouch, who won the Heisman in 2001 and retired before playing a regular-season game with St. Louis.

Other recent victims include Chris Weinke, Heisman 2000; Ron Dayne, 1999; Danny Wuerffel, 1996; Rashaan Salaam, 1994; Gino Torretta, 1992; Ty Detmer, 1990; and Andre Ware, 1989.

Since Marcus Allen, who won in 1981, the only Heisman recipient to play for a Super Bowl champion has been Desmond Howard, who won the Heisman Trophy in 1991 and the Lombardi Trophy with Green Bay five years later.

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Stanley Cup Curse

Sure recipe for NFL failure: Play your home games in a city that just won the Stanley Cup.

2002: Detroit Red Wings win the Cup; Detroit Lions open 3-9.

2001: Colorado Avalanche wins the Cup; Denver Broncos go 8-8, miss the playoffs.

2000: New Jersey Devils win the Cup; New York Jets go 9-7 and miss the playoffs, New York Giants lose the Super Bowl to Trent Dilfer by 27 points.

1999: Dallas Stars win the Cup; Dallas Cowboys go 8-8 and get blown out by Minnesota in the first round of the playoffs.

1998: Red Wings win the Cup; Lions go 5-11.

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Jevon Kearse

He’s 0-1 in Super Bowls.