He’ll Hound Them Until They Roll Over

I heard a barking dog on the 16th floor of the Marriott, and knowing the Dodgers were staying here in a Marriott, I took heart in knowing the Choking Dogs might still have a little bite left in them.

I wouldn’t have been surprised to hear Kevin Brown baying at the moon--after all, what else has he got to do these days?--but this was major league barking, excited, agitated and the most life I had detected in our heroes in some time.

Then the door opened, and a reporter from the Los Angeles Daily News emerged with Clarabelle on a leash. I guess it’s true what they say about pet owners resembling their mutts.

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NOW I know some people have been upset because I’ve referred to the Dodgers as Choking Dogs, suggesting that’s really cruel. An angry Alan Sears e-mailed to say: “I hope you can find a new nickname for Dodgers other than ‘Choking Dogs.’ I have two dogs and neither one of them appreciates the comparison.”

Clarabelle and Daisy, the Daily News reporter’s other mongrel, were staying in the Marriott at $129 a night with mints on their pillows because like so many other dogs in the greater Los Angeles area the Dodgers have given them a bad name, and they just needed to get away for a while.

(I left the dog at home and brought the wife to the hotel, because no matter how many times I tell the dog to lie down, it won’t.)

“I’m taking Clarabelle and Daisy to the doggy bakery tomorrow,” the Daily News reporter said, and as you can see it’s not only the dogs who need to get away for a while.

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THE DODGERS will do that to you. They had nine games remaining against the Padres, 30 1/2 games out of first, and the Rockies, 25 1/2 back, and all they had to do was act like a playoff contender, crush them, and wait for the Giants to stumble against the Astros or (possibly) the Braves.

The Padres don’t have a player listed in the top 10 in any of the 14 offensive categories listed in National League statistics, and yet Andy Ashby--now there’s one dog with fleas earning $7.5 million a year--couldn’t get an out in the third inning before leaving Friday night’s game. The man who called the media “vultures” earlier this season has now become road kill every time he takes the mound.

The Dodgers were so bad with everything on the line Friday night that some guy from the stands named Jonathan Johnson was closing them out, while Trevor Hoffman sat back and watched. In Milwaukee, meanwhile, after flying all night from Los Angeles, the Giants reacted like playoff contenders and won.

At home I can only imagine how badly Maggie, Manager Jim Tracy’s dog, must have felt. “As long as she has fresh water and food, she’s just fine,” Tracy said, and if he’s that out of touch with his best friend, it’s no wonder he has no idea just how bad off the Dodgers are.

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ON SATURDAY the Choking Dogs were taking batting practice when the scoreboard noted the Giants had gone up, 3-1. To help, I went to the Padres’ clubhouse and reminded Phil Nevin and Sean Burroughs they had grown up in the L.A. area, and should be nicer to our guys.

Nevin went 0 for 4, striking out three times, after our chat. Burroughs had an infield single in four appearances, and made an error playing second base, but there wasn’t much else I could do other than take the wife for a walk around Seaport Village and hope for the best.

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NEWS FLASH: “Man Bites Dog.”

Marquis Grissom singles off Hoffman to drive in two and break a 3-3 tie in the ninth for the Dodgers. Give that man a treat.

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ON ESPN radio this week Joe McDonnell and Doug Krikorian were joking about the presumed death of Bison Dele, the former NBA player who competed for the Chicago Bulls under the name Brian Williams. McDonnell said he found it “hilarious” that officials were searching for Dele’s body, and while making a joke about sharks, the radio show added sound effects with someone munching on chips.

McDonnell announced, “I didn’t kill him. His own freaking brother [Miles Dabord] killed him,” which apparently means there will be no need for a trial.

Krikorian then continued the high-level discussion by asking McDonnell. “Who would you pop a cap into, Joe?” if given the chance to shoot someone in the head.

McDonnell said he couldn’t think of anyone he’d want to kill, but after some thought, said, “F.B.” I guess we know where he stands on the death penalty, too, at least as it relates to F.B.

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THERE’S A report that as many as seven Mets were using marijuana this season, which might explain why the team lost 16 straight games at home. Tough to get upset about losing at home when you don’t even know you’re home.

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LAST WEEK USC Coach Pete Carroll was talking up Carson Palmer for Heisman Trophy consideration. You know what a kidder Carroll can be.

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ON THE bright side, UCLA has probably succeeded in making USC feel overconfident with the 51-point swing in results against Colorado. I think Coach Bob Toledo deserves some credit for looking ahead and setting up the Trojans.

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FERNANDO VARGAS said he “has no problems with God,” which is good, because he couldn’t even knock out Oscar De La Hoya.

TODAY’S LAST word comes in the form of a birth announcement:

The daughter of sports editor Bill Dwyre has given birth to a girl.

The kid obviously takes after her grandpa, already asking for time off to play golf when it’s obvious she can’t play the game.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.