This First-Hand Story Was Worth the Effort

I don’t know, I think it was just off the seventh green at El Caballero Country Club in Tarzana during the LPGA’s Pro-Am last week, and I was holding hands with golfer Natalie Gulbis, at her request, of course.

Now I don’t know if you have seen any pictures of Gulbis, but they don’t really do her justice, because it’s difficult to see clearly just how ugly her hands are.

I remember holding the wife’s hand a decade or two ago, but I didn’t remember it feeling like this. I thought maybe I had forgotten how it felt, and suggested to Gulbis, whose Web site is called “Ten on the Tee,” that we might want to do it again, because I decided suddenly it was time for me to take an interest in the LPGA.

“I want you to see my hands,” Gulbis had said. Imagine holding a Brillo pad in your hand -- a mountain range of calluses running across each palm, all craggy and jagged, a pinkie finger that looks more like a distorted thumb, and then consider some people want you to believe this is the LPGA’s answer to Anna Kournikova.

Great -- now I’m going to have to hold Kournikova’s hand to see if the similarities are really true.

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I WAS surprised to get an invitation to play in the LPGA Pro-Am because last year I got stiffed by Laura Diaz after requesting an interview, and when the LPGA put heat on her to talk, she told officials to have me call her. I wrote we weren’t allowed to make those 900 or 976 calls because of the expense, and it was just a joke, of course, because I’m pretty sure The Times could afford it.

The LPGA also invited Sports Editor Bill Dwyre to play in the pro-am, I presume because the tournament wanted to celebrate “Grandfather’s Day.”

Now personally, I don’t think much of female golfers, because they hit the ball like girls. But this girl was supposed to be something else, as Dwyre kept panting, and I wanted to be sure to see for myself so I could tell his wife all about it.

When the 5-foot-9, 20-year-old Barbie Doll arrived on the first tee, she was color coordinated from shoes to ribbon in her blond hair. I asked Ken, a.k.a. Dwyre, what color I should call Barbie’s outfit, and he said, “baby blue -- just like her eyes,” and sometimes I forget he’s a sportswriter, and trained to pay attention to detail.

Barbie hits a golf ball straight almost every time down the middle of the fairway, which means she didn’t get to spend much time with Dwyre. She had a 72 in the first round of the tournament, followed by a 76 entering today’s final round.

Last year she earned more than $250,000, and that was before she turned 20. Throw in endorsements because of the Kournikova look -- and there’s talk the two of them will do a commercial together -- and she’s going to make a bundle.

Now we’ll just have to see who wins a tournament first: Barbie or Anna?

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THERE’S NO question she’s had a rough life, growing up in Sacramento as a Kings’ fan. But it gets tougher now, humoring four old men in a pro-am before playing in a tournament that’ll probably be won by Annika Sorenstam -- aren’t they all?

So how good is Barbie? She played almost flawless golf in the pro-am -- if you don’t think it’s a big deal that three of the four old men outdrove her consistently, she couldn’t make a putt and I took $5 off Rick Wynn, her San Diego-based caddie, because she didn’t have a birdie all day.

It’s a dog-eat-dog world, beautiful.

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THE LPGA still lacks credibility. A year ago ESPN2 switched from the golf tournament, without the winner finishing, to an aerobics’ competition. Saturday, ESPN2 left the tournament, with as many as eight holes to play for some golfers, to show a hockey game between two teams already eliminated from the playoffs.

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I READ this in The Times: “Michelle Kwan still hasn’t seen a tape of he performance that clinched her fifth world figure skating championship. Nor does she plan to watch it for awhile.” Nice to know Kwan and I have something in common.

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THE IMPROVEMENT of Ted Lilly as a starting pitcher for the A’s makes the Angels a wild-card team again -- at best.

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I’D FEEL better about the possibility of Tampa Bay Buccaneer owner Malcolm Glazer buying the Dodgers if Jon Gruden comes along to manage.

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FOR SOME time now I’ve referred to Clipper center Michael Olowokandi as the Big Stiff, so I suppose it shouldn’t be a surprise to learn he has no heart.

Once the fans in Staples started booing him every time he touched the ball, it was predictable he’d disappear. He underwent knee surgery, but his rehab has been unusual to say the least, and has made no all-out, Elton Brand-like attempt to work himself back into uniform.

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THE LAKERS’ win over Memphis the other night is what this season has been about. Down by 23 points, the Lakers decided to turn it on. They’ve contended all season -- no matter how far they fall in the standings, they can turn it on in the playoffs and win. The Memphis game came down to a long-range shot from Kobe -- the NBA championship will probably come down to the same thing.

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THE PADRES’ request to play the Dodgers every game has been denied by Major League Baseball.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Cesar Haro:

“Regarding your comparison between the Angels and Dodgers -- you are an idiot! I’ve read many predictions that say the Dodgers are going to improve. What are you going to say when that happens? Would you finally admit you are a moron?

I guess you haven’t watched “Around the Horn.”

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.