This Sport’s Pattern Is Down-and-Out

One coach hit bottom after going to a topless bar, another lost his job for allegedly lying, gambling on basketball and, if you read the NCAA report, cheating.

The Atlantic Coast Conference raided two football schools from the Big East in a contentious quarrel that could only lower one’s opinion of higher education, and the have-nots of the sport have threatened antitrust action because they don’t trust the haves.

Florida State’s avuncular coach took the stand during a gambling trial for one of his ex-quarterbacks and, no, the coach wasn’t allowed to wear a headset.

The Big Ten’s preseason defensive player of the year, from Michigan, recently copped a plea to aggravated assault, and the Big Ten’s preseason offensive player of the year, Ohio State’s leading ground gainer, was held out of fall practice and could be facing a six-game suspension.

Funny you should ask, but this was also the off-season during which the rules committee eliminated the “halo rule.”

Is it any wonder?

Since Princeton and Rutgers first went at it back in 1869, it is difficult to imagine a time when college football’s name has been more thoroughly mud-slung. The sport failed, stunningly so, to capitalize on the afterglow of Ohio State’s stupendous, double-overtime national-championship victory over Miami in the Fiesta Bowl.

Since that night in Tempe, there haven’t been many reasons to whistle your school’s fight song.

Amos Alonzo Stagg, the legendary coach, once said, “To me, the coaching profession is one of the noblest and most far-reaching in building manhood.”

Mike Price, the recently defrocked Alabama coach, said in a statement, “During my departure from the bar, a woman, who was not a dancer, seeing that I was heavily intoxicated offered to assist me to my cab. She then rode in the cab with me and helped me to my hotel room where I fell asleep. There was no sex involved.”

So there you have it: Stagg to stag.

Thank goodness they still play games Saturdays -- and Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays -- because never have the sport’s “caretakers” needed to be so preoccupied to keep from devouring themselves.

So far as we know, no court order will prevent USC from playing at Auburn on Aug. 30, or Notre Dame from playing at Michigan on Sept. 13.

Unless otherwise notified, the Ohio State University band can still dot the i in script “Ohio” and the Texas A&M; student body can remain standing for the duration.

You can never be sure about the legality of these things -- see, USC vs. its horse.

In the end, and this tends to get lost in the depositions, the game puts people in seats, not the presidents, conference commissioners, networks, athletic directors, coaches or lawyers.

So let the games begin ... before some judge issues an injunction.

We have time for 20 questions:

1 What are the most overrated teams heading into the season?

Ohio State and USC. Ohio State won the national title and has all 11 starters back on offense, but you think the Buckeyes are going to catch every break again this year?

Ohio State won seven games by a touchdown or less. Cincinnati had the Buckeyes beat. All Purdue had to do was stop Ohio State once on fourth down. Illinois took the Columbus kids to overtime. Even Miami had Ohio State beaten in overtime of the Fiesta Bowl until a late pass-interference call gave the Buckeyes new life.

The point is, Ohio State could be better this year and not go undefeated.

And even USC Coach Pete Carroll thinks his Trojans might be overrated.

“It’s recognition and respect for last year,” he says of his team’s top-10 ranking.

The Trojans may challenge for the national title in 2004, but this year they need to replace their starting quarterback and three-headed tailback.

USC played the nation’s toughest schedule last year and this year’s is only slightly less brutal, with road games at Auburn, Notre Dame, Washington and Arizona State.

2 Will it be 21 years before another Pac-10 player wins the Heisman Trophy?

Probably. A few Heisman voters admitted privately last year they’d voted for USC’s Carson Palmer just to shut everyone up about the perceived “East Coast bias.”

So, look for the Pac-10 to land another Heisman winner in 2024, or roughly the same year Joe Paterno calls it quits at Penn State.

3 What preseason college magazines went to press too early?

Almost all of them.

From Lindy’s: “ACC: Expansion. Who needs it?”

Well, as it turns out, Virginia Tech and Miami needed it.

From Preview Sports: “Neuheisel needs to find a running game.”

Um, check that, Rick Neuheisel needs to find a job.

4 Is this the year Texas breaks through to win the national title?

Maybe, and I call this my “Tee Martin Theory.”

Remember how much pressure there was on Tennessee quarterback Peyton Manning to win the big one? And how he never did?

As dandy a quarterback as Manning was, he could never get over on Florida and never delivered the national title to Knoxville.

The year after Manning left, 1998, Tennessee won it all with Tee Martin at quarterback, beating Florida State in the Fiesta Bowl.

Maybe it’s going to be the same story with Texas.

Chris Simms was supposed to deliver the goods in Austin, but could never get past his nemesis, Oklahoma. With Simms gone, maybe the piano comes off Texas’ back. This year, with either Chance Mock or Vince Young at quarterback, Texas might finally break through.

It’s just a hunch.

5 Has a slumping economy affected the Texas media guide?

No. This year’s edition is a hernia-inducing 591 pages, up from last year’s 576.

We hear the Bulgarian weightlifting team is using Texas media guides to train for next year’s Olympic Games in Athens.

6 What happens when the bowl championship series contract expires after the 2005 season?

The major conferences and networks will begin negotiations next year. The power brokers have said there will be no NFL-style playoff, so look for a continuation of the BCS format with the possible addition of a national title game after the four major bowl games are played. The five non-BCS conferences are lobbying hard for a bigger cut of the pie, and this could be accomplished by adding a fifth “BCS” bowl featuring champions of non-BCS conferences.

7 Will Bobby Bowden be able to restore Florida State to a national power?

Dadgummit, let’s hope so. Bowden has lost more games, nine, the last two years, than he did in the previous eight combined. One more defeat-infested season in Tallahassee might drive Bowden into retirement and Florida State might go back to being a girls’ school.

8 Can Nebraska recover from its worst season in 41 years?

If not, Coach Frank Solich might get husked in the town square.

Last year, Solich thought he needed better macro-management skills so he solicited the advice of a chief executive officer.

No, wise guys, it wasn’t Ken Lay of Enron. In fact, the guy was David Sokol of MidAmerican Energy Corp.

In the end, though, the plug got pulled on Nebraska en route to a 7-7 season.

CEO move II: Solich rearranged the office furniture. He fired six assistants, brought in new offensive and defensive coordinators and has decided to give up play calling.

9 What players are on your preseason Heisman short list?

OK, (yawn), it’s only August, but if you insist:

First, how not to win the trophy if you are Ohio State tailback Maurice Clarett. 1. Hang out with LeBron James and his money. 2. Have the New York Times investigate your class participation. 3. Report to police the break-in of a tricked-up car you are driving but is not yours. 4. Duck out on a prearranged interview with Marcus Allen, who just maybe could have provided some insight.

Clarett is still the Heisman favorite, provided the NCAA lets him on the field. If Clarett fumbles, round up the usual suspects: Cody Pickett, Washington; Philip Rivers, North Carolina State; Roy Williams, Texas; Eli Manning, Mississippi.

10 Who is the best player you don’t know about whose name also happens to be as hard to spell as labyrinth?

Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger of Miami of Ohio. With Marshall’s Byron Leftwich having departed for the NFL, look for 6-foot-5 junior Roethlisberger to dominate the headlines in the Mid-American Conference and for Miami to challenge Marshall’s MAC supremacy.

Roethlisberger, who turned down a scholarship to Ohio State, could be the No. 1 pick in the 2004 NFL draft.

The only downside to this guy is fitting the name on his jersey.

11 Which new coach has a chance to make the biggest impact?

Urban Meyer, Utah. This guy is no Urban myth. In fact, he’s on the coaching fast track after throwing strikes the last two years at Bowling Green, going 5-0 against BCS teams. Meyer may need a year to turn it around at Utah, which has only 10 starters returning from last year’s 5-6 team. Consider Utah a mid-career stop for Meyer, who is destined for the Big Ten.

12 Which newcomer do you most want to see?

Marcus Vick at Virginia Tech. If he’s half as good as brother Michael, Hokie opponents are in a whole lot of trouble. The problem is, Vick may have to fight starter Bryan Randall for playing time.

13 What teams are going to play for the national title in the Jan. 3 Sugar Bowl?

Miami and Oklahoma. Miami wins in double overtime after a back judge runs 15 yards to throw a pass interference flag against Oklahoma. Seems only fair.

14 How would you rate the major conferences this year?

Big 12, Big Ten, Southeastern, Big East, Atlantic Coast, Pac-10. The Big 12’s South Division is tougher than that crocodile on the cover of the Florida media guide.

15 What major college record is likely to fall this year?

Former Grambling coach Eddie Robinson’s mark of 408 coaching victories. Robinson’s record once seemed as safe as Cy Young’s 511 big league pitching wins, but Coach John Gagliardi of Division III St. John’s College starts his 51st season in Collegeville, Minn., with 400 wins and no signs of stopping. Gagliardi will turn 77 on Nov. 1.

“I’m not going to retire, I’ll tell you that,” he says.

16 Schools are allowed to play 12 games this year, so how come Stanford is playing 11?

Because Stanford has not completely sold its soul to the highest bidder and considers an extra game detrimental to academic achievement.

Imagine that.

17 Which non-BCS team has a chance of making a major bowl run this year?

What planet are you from, Pluto? See, that’s why the non-BCS schools are crying foul and threatening legal action.

Since the BCS was formed in 1998, no team from outside the six major conferences has qualified for a major bowl. Non-BCS schools can qualify with a No. 6 or higher BCS ranking, but outsiders argue the BCS standings are inherently stacked against them.

Take Colorado State, our favorite non-BCS team this year. Sonny Lubick’s Rams could go undefeated and still not crack the top six because of perception and schedule strength.

The non-BCS movement will be rooting hard for Colorado State -- or Texas Christian -- to become a poster team for its inclusion cause.

18 What team has the toughest schedule?

How would you like to be Fresno State and play, out of the box, at Tennessee, vs. Oregon State and at Oklahoma?

19 How hard might Washington State fall after last year’s Rose Bowl run?

Like a ton of potatoes off a half-ton pickup truck.

20 Can Notre Dame improve on last year’s 10-3 record?

No. The Irish will be solid, not great, and the schedule again is tough: Michigan, Purdue, Florida State, USC, Pittsburgh, Boston College.

Also, this year the Irish offense might want to mix in a touchdown before October.