Enough Bad TV Games to Fry Any Couch Potato

Bowl season kicks off this week with the standard warning: Viewer discretion is strongly advised.

With 28 games to be played between Tuesday and Jan. 4, we offer our own BCS (bowl charting system) standings, from worst to best.

28. Humanitarian -- Tulsa (8-4) vs. Georgia Tech (6-6). Are you kidding? A bowl game in Boise, on Jan. 3, without Boise State in it? Tickets must be selling like cold cakes. We hear the game MVP will make snow angels at midfield.

27. Silicon Valley -- UCLA (6-6) vs. Fresno State (8-5). USC once played Fresno State in a game like this ... except it was called the Freedom Bowl. It took Trojan football 10 years to recover.

Can’t wait for the halftime telephone hookup with former UCLA quarterback Matt Moore as he calls Bruin plays in real time.

26. San Francisco -- Colorado State (7-5) vs. Boston College (7-5). If a ball goes into McCovey Cove in this game at Pacific Bell Park, you’ll know a quarterback made a really bad pass.

25. New Orleans -- North Texas (9-3) vs. Memphis (8-4). Caveat: Should USC defeat Michigan in the Rose Bowl and end up No. 1 in both polls, this becomes the most significant bowl game played in New Orleans this season.

24. Hawaii -- Hawaii (8-5) vs. Houston (7-5). Houston plays in the Hawaii Bowl this year; Hawaii plays in the Houston Bowl in 2004?

23. Houston -- Navy (8-4) vs. Texas Tech (7-5). Texas Tech quarterback B.J. Symons has broken so many NCAA passing records, this technically is considered a rematch of Navy-Air Force.

22. Las Vegas -- New Mexico (8-4) vs. Oregon State (7-5). New Mexico kicker Kate Hnida is listed at 5 feet 10 and 140 pounds ... so much for never asking a girl her weight.

21. Independence -- Arkansas (8-4) vs. Missouri (8-4). Missouri blew a chance to win the Big 12; Arkansas is fresh off a 55-24 drubbing by Louisiana State. The story lines are endless.

20. Motor City -- Bowling Green (10-3) vs. Northwestern (6-6). Northwestern goes to a bowl game and Northern Illinois, at 10-2, gets snubbed? Sounds like opening arguments at the bowl championship series antitrust trial.

19. Continental Tire -- Pittsburgh (8-4) vs. Virginia (7-5). Feel free to take a Continental Tire iron to your television if this game starts to drag.

18. Liberty -- Utah (9-2) vs. Southern Mississippi (9-3). In terms of winning percentage, Utah actually won the Pacific 10 Conference with a 2-0 record.

17. GMAC -- Louisville (9-3) vs. Miami of Ohio (12-1). USA Today rankings whiz Jeff Sagarin joins the broadcast to explain how he ranked Miami of Ohio ahead of USC in his final BCS computer standings. We’re guessing it was because Miami defeated powerhouses Cincinnati, Akron, Buffalo, Ball State, Kent State, Central Florida and Ohio while USC cleaned up on mid-majors Auburn, Notre Dame, UCLA, Washington State, Arizona State and Washington.

16. Insight -- California (7-6) vs. Virginia Tech (8-4). Call this the “Head Scratcher Bowl.” Cal defeated USC, but lost to UCLA. Virginia Tech beat Miami, then lost three of its last four.

15. Tangerine -- North Carolina State (7-5) vs. Kansas (6-6). It gives you chills when you think these schools are, combined, two games over .500.

14. Music City -- Wisconsin (7-5) vs. Auburn (7-5). Just think, if overrated Auburn was playing in a better bowl than this, USC might be playing in the Sugar Bowl.

13. Gator -- Maryland (9-3) vs. West Virginia (8-4). Both schools missed early-season wakeup calls: Maryland started 0-2 and West Virginia broke from the gate 1-4.

12. Alamo -- Nebraska (9-3) vs. Michigan State (8-4). Nebraska hopes to name a new coach at halftime; he will immediately install the run-and-shoot offense.

11. Sun -- Minnesota (9-3) vs. Oregon (8-4). Dear Ducks: This is what making the cover of Sports Illustrated gets you.

10. Cotton -- Mississippi (9-3) vs. Oklahoma State (9-3). Halftime show: Tribute to Manning family members who didn’t win the Heisman Trophy.

9. Peach -- Clemson (8-4) vs. Tennessee (10-2). Tennessee’s Peach Bowl memories are not warm and fuzzy after last year’s 30-3 loss to Maryland.

8. Outback -- Iowa (9-3) vs. Florida (8-4). Florida’s best player is freshman quarterback Chris Leak; Iowa’s best player is a kicker.

7. Capital One -- Georgia (10-3) vs. Purdue (9-3). Dr. Michael Baden performs an autopsy on the BCS standings to determine how LSU jumped 25 spots in the strength-of-schedule component just for defeating Georgia.

6. Fort Worth -- Texas Christian (11-1) vs. Boise State (12-1). Some bowls wait years for a matchup like this, and Fort Worth gets this game in its first bowl at-bat?

5. Orange -- Miami (10-2) vs. Florida State (10-2). If you don’t like the way this game ends, don’t worry, the teams play each other every other week.

4. Holiday Bowl -- Texas (10-2) vs. Washington State (9-3). Texas Coach Mack Brown was headed to his first BCS bowl game until Kansas State shocked Oklahoma in the Big 12 title game. Now, it’s just another photo op with Shamu.

3. Fiesta -- Kansas State (11-3) vs. Ohio State (10-2). How late was that Fiesta Bowl penalty flag official Terry Porter tossed to help Ohio State defeat Miami in double overtime? Ohio State returns to Sun Devil Stadium a year later just in time to see it hit the ground.

2. Sugar -- Louisiana State (12-1) vs. Oklahoma (12-1). The Sugar Bowl gets its undisputed national title game only if Michigan upsets USC in the Rose Bowl.

Otherwise, this is the Sweet ‘N Low Bowl.

1. Rose -- USC (11-1) vs. Michigan (10-2). A parade in the morning followed by a sold-out afternoon game, pitting champions of the Pacific 10 and Big Ten conferences?

Wow, what a concept.