No talent? That’s the first step to success

Is anyone besides me thrilled over the news that Ticketmaster is going to be giving customers the royal treatment when they buy concert tickets online?

The way this works is that when you use Ticketmaster’s new Get In First program, you’ll be ushered into amphitheaters or arenas early through a special entrance.

The not-so-subtle message: Patronize us and you’ll never have to mingle with the riffraff again.

So far only 18 Clear Channel Entertainment-operated facilities around the country, among them Verizon Wireless Amphitheater in Irvine and Hyundai Glen Helen Pavilion in San Bernardino, will have the special-access portals. But no doubt more facilities will climb aboard as music fans warm to the idea of legal line hopping.

Many such innovations are popping up these days as the beleaguered music industry tries to come up with new ways of doing business that will, presumably, keep it in business.

Another is Prince’s decision to give a copy of his new album to everyone who attends his latest concert tour.

The Purple One’s camp has even persuaded the Nielsen SoundScan sales monitoring service to count those CDs as “sales,” along with those that wind up in fans’ hands the old-fashioned way: They go out and buy them.

Prince’s folks argue that the price of the CD is factored into the price of each ticket -- so it’s a sale. But it doesn’t take a PhD in logic to tell you that just because a fan buys a ticket to a veteran pop act’s concert doesn’t mean he or she would pony up the dough for the performer’s current music.

Remember the six most dreaded words at a Rolling Stones concert? “Here’s one from our new album!”

Still, it’s the thought that counts, and entertainment industry types are racking their brains thinking outside the box.

In my view, they’ve barely scratched the surface.

Consider “American Idol” contestant William Hung. He landed a record deal, then scored a Top 40 debut recently with his first album -- not in spite of having been snootily booted off the show for the crime of exhibiting no discernible musical ability, but because of it. Heck, he’s well on his way to becoming a folk hero of the dubiously talented.

Every night of the week now there’s at least one reality TV show on in which contenders of various stripes show just how far they’re willing to go in risking their integrity, if not their lives, in the scramble for fame.

And next month the WB network is launching “Superstar USA,” an upside-down version of “AI” that promises, in effect, no talent, none of the time.

What we really need is some truly visionary entertainment bigwig to recognize and implement the common thread here: Everybody wants to be a star -- why not let them?

Synergy is the key. One, or maybe all, of the TV networks could partner with Ticketmaster and Nielsen SoundScan.

Let’s say the Rolling Stones decide to come back to town.

Everyone who buys a ticket is automatically in the running to join the cast of a reality show that will crown “America’s biggest rock fan.”

The field would be winnowed to manageable size by a random drawing -- heaven knows merit will have no place in this New World Order. As Hung is proving, Americans are far more impressed with unabashed effort, however misguided, than outmoded concepts such as talent, dedication and dues-paying.

After weeks of grueling competition, most of it spent forcing contestants to sit through one Mick Jagger solo album after another, the winner would not simply get A-list access to the next Stones concert. He or she would be Jagger on “Satisfaction” or “Honky Tonk Women.” (Who hasn’t belted them out after a few beers at least as well as Mick does anyway?)

At the end of the night, everyone in the audience would be handed a CD of the concert, which would be registered with SoundScan as a sale, and the pseudo-Mick could brag of “selling” 20,000, 30,000, even 50,000 CDs in a night. And another star is born!

In an interview about his new album tribute to blues great Robert Johnson, Eric Clapton dismissed a popular legend about Johnson selling his soul to the devil in exchange for astonishing musical gifts.

“I prefer to steer away from superstition and mystification of these things,” Clapton said, “because I think, in a way, it cheapens it all somehow. If it’s as easy as that, then anyone can do it. You just can’t sign your soul over to the devil and get what you want or become a genius or whatever.”

Mr. Clapton, meet Donald Trump.

If there’s anything we Americans can claim as a birthright, it’s the right to hit it big, whatever it takes -- as long as it doesn’t involve hard work.

I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of waiting for my ship to come in. I’m ready for stardom -- now. Operator? Get me Satan!

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Randy Lewis can be reached at randy.lewis@latimes.com.