Worked Into a Lather Over the Lakers’ Soap Opera

We’ve become a lopsided sports town and I’m not sure it’s all that becoming.

Financial analysts tell us to diversify our portfolios, yet we continue to toss good money after bad into the purple and gold market.

You know what they call places that care about one sports team 24/7 ... Jacksonville.

Are we Jacksonville with bling-bling?

We don’t have chemistry here; we have a chemical imbalance.

The ink spilled over the Lakers during All-Star weekend might have been over-the-top comical if it was not so important to the future of mankind.

In fact, the Lakers made more news without playing a game than some teams make in two years.

Consider: the three most important words on Valentine’s Day are supposed to be “I love you.”

Here, the most important words were Kobe Bryant’s “I don’t care.”

It’s no stretch to suggest the Lakers of 2003-04 will end up as the most scrutinized and talked-about team in the history of Los Angeles sports. The team ought to take out ad space on office water coolers all over town.

Once, in the 1950s, the Rams were the only major league franchise in town and their quarterback dated a movie star.

But did their coach date the owner’s daughter?

The gap between the Lakers and any other local franchise is roughly the distance between Earth and Mars.

These Lakers are the rare blend of superstardom, sizzle, soap opera and reality television in an age when you can film anything that moves -- Ozzy Osbourne, for example -- and sell it on cable.

We used to have a balanced sports lineup in Los Angeles ... we were strong up the middle and, like Noah’s ark, had two of just about everything.

The Lakers of the new millennium came together, and might fall apart, at the most optically opportune time, in a vacated vacuum.

You can’t compare it to anything else. The local competition either ran and hid or, in the case of Tiger Woods, moved to Florida for tax purposes.

The Lakers were “Showtime” in the 1980s, but not the only show. The Dodgers won two World Series titles in that decade, the Raiders claimed a Super Bowl and the Rams had Eric Dickerson for yards and yuks.

Today, the Lakers are it. The Rams and Raiders filed papers and left long ago and the Dodgers were purchased, mismanaged and then sold, by Homer Simpson Inc. UCLA football and basketball are in doldrums while the Clippers are, always and forever more, the Clippers.

For years, the Dodgers sat atop this lofty perch ... and then the Lakers swooped in.

The Dodgers these days are living off 1988 fumes and held together by Vin Scully’s voice and duct tape.

The myth of the Dodgers has become anachronistic.

A recent plot line on Larry David’s hilarious HBO show “Curb Your Enthusiasm” had Larry desperately trying to secure two tickets for an upcoming Dodger game.

Continuity alert!! Since when has it been impossible to get tickets for a Dodger game?

Bottom line is the Lakers have become exponentially interesting at a time when the rest of the town has gone on hiatus.

Angels? Definitely in our circulation area, but many still think they are an orbital interest and that World Series title was Halley’s Comet.

The Kings and Mighty Ducks have hard-core hockey fan bases ... but a financially strapped league to drop the puck in.

The most imposing threat to the Lakers is USC football, led by Pete Carroll, but how can it possibly keep up playing only six home games a year?

The Lakers, meanwhile, hold us captive as we anxiously wait to see which Phil coaches them next year: Jackson or Dr.

More second thoughts and pot shots:

* Basketball scandal rages at St. John’s.

A spokesman said this week the school had no intention of dropping basketball, but would consider dropping the “Saint” part.

* UCLA basketball continues to flounder under first-year Coach Ben Howland.

True, but you have to weigh this against how much ESPN basketball coverage has improved with first-year analyst Steve Lavin who, if you haven’t noticed, is terrific. The ex-UCLA coach’s midweek, in-studio breakdown of the college scene was so stunningly good it made you wonder why he’d ever want to coach again.

* Portland Trail Blazers trade troubled forward Rasheed Wallace to Atlanta.

We’d like to say a dark cloud has been lifted from the franchise, but anyone who’s been to Portland knows the clouds don’t lift until May.

* Promotional ad for Mel Gibson’s movie “The Passion of the Christ” displayed on hood of Bobby Labonte’s race car.

Call this idea what you want: bold, innovative, controversial. Just don’t call this vehicle “hell on wheels.”

* United States soccer and baseball teams fail to qualify for Athens Olympics.

Allow us to dim the lights and present famed filmmaker Bud Greenspan’s latest effort: “Sixteen Days of Canoe/Kayak.”

* Big Ten Conference will experiment with instant replay in football.

Anything that prevents 77-year-old Penn State Coach Joe Paterno from sprinting across the field after games is OK by me.

* Barry Bonds’ personal trainer indicted in federal probe of performance-enhancing drugs.

I don’t believe this should have any taint on Bonds’ career home run total of 658 (*).

* University of Miami football recruit must wear ankle bracelet after being arrested and released on $2,500 bond.

To think coaches used to worry about their players wearing earrings.