No Good or Bad Stuff From Them, Only Ugly

These people live among you ...

DON LITTLE: “I read your article this morning on Red Sox fans and I could not help but notice that you are one of the true ugly people. I would actually say that you are a step beyond ugly.”

That would mean I was born in Philadelphia, and that’s not true.

Mr. BLUMPKIN: “Hey, Fatty McCrisco Pants, where on earth does the mutant love child of Frankenstein and Bill Gates get off calling the loyal Red Sox fans ugly? Tell me, do your BVDs spell ‘Boulevard’ by the time they get up to your waist?”

Let me check. No, T-A-R-G-E-T.

FRANK RIZZO: “Do you got anything interesting to say? Where were you born? Why don’t you get to the jim every now and then. I can see your third neck. A loyal Boston fan.”

I’ll go to the jim as soon as you go back to skul.

NANCY MARINO: “You nailed that one. Ugly doesn’t even begin to cover it. P.S. Ignore the nasty e-mail from my ex-husband, a true BoSox fan with a forehead the size of the Fenway Park scoreboard. Now that’s ugly.”

I’d sure like to know, though, was it ever love at first sight?

JASON T: “Ross Porter deserved better.”

Maybe the Angels will hire him.

BOB SMAGULA: “The Times’ Calendar section reported that U.S. personnel are now trying to bring baseball to Iraq in the hope the sport catches on there. With apologies to Beano Cook, I ask, ‘Haven’t these people suffered enough already?’ ”

I hear they want to send Milton Bradley as baseball’s goodwill ambassador.

PATRICK ATHAY: “I was at both World Series games in Boston and I am not ugly -- at least that’s what all the girls that I have dated, and not dated, have told me.”

Come on, you know they were lying.

KEN FROM SHERMAN OAKS: “I think it’s time for another look at that goofy two-column picture of you getting your hair cut. The triple chin is a work of art.”

Think of it as a Picasso.

NICHOLAS CRISAFI: “Your article was idiotic and laughable -- insipid thoughts from a person who has fallen victim to the insecure and fashion-conscious mind-set of L.A. If being from New England and refusing to buy into the image-obsessed lifestyle of L.A. makes me ugly, then I’m the ugliest man on the planet.”

Dr. Phil would be so proud of you for embracing your ugliness.

ANDREW GORDON: “This was the best article you could come up with about Boston’s fans? ‘The Swan’? I question your sexual orientation because no straight male would follow such [junk]. You might want to write in to ‘Extreme Makeover’ and ask them to work with your career because this writing thing isn’t working out.”

You like “Extreme Makeover” too? Maybe we could get together and talk about some of our favorite episodes.

AJ IN SANTA BARBARA: “You keep burning bridges in other cities and you’ll be relegated to Page 2 for the rest of your life. That’s just not fair to the regular readers of the Los Angeles Times.”

You’re forgetting one place where folks are always telling me to go.

LES: “About 13 years ago ... a group of us went back to Boston. The Celtics were in the playoffs and we went to a bar in Faneuil Hall and all the people at the bar, particularly the women, were ugly as sin. Our wives and girlfriends looked like beauty contest winners next to them.”

You might be onto something. If you’re married and looking to rekindle the romance, take the wife to Boston -- where she’ll never look so good.

JEREMY COOK: “The Breeders’ Cup is a few days away. In an effort to protect my 401(k) and pension, could you please handicap the races so I don’t have to depend on Bob Mieszerski’s picks. I am a horse owner who knows if Misery selects my horse to win, it’s going to be a long day at the races. He’s a curse.”

Did you know he’s also a big fan of the NHL?

CINDI SMITH: “Just wanted to say thank you for finally taking The Times to task for its blatant UCLA bias. A good friend, who didn’t attend either school, actually called me to congratulate SC for finally making it above the fold on the front page of the sports section.”

Thank you to all the USC fans who

e-mailed Sports Editor Bill Dwyre at out.golfing.again.com -- and there were a lot of

you -- and you can see what a difference it made.

AHMED SALAM: “As a real Trojan fan I can live and even enjoy Pete Thomas’ wrong -- yet genuine -- prediction of a Trojan loss. Bruins are entitled to their wrong opinions. It is pseudo-Trojan fans, or Trojan horses like yourself, who will jump off the bandwagon along with the first loss (in 2008) that have to be exposed.”

2005.

TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Ali Ansari:

“I’ll pledge $200 to the Mattel Children’s Hospital if you or your daughter finish in the top three of the Clippers’ media shootout.”

These people live among you, all right, and a number of readers and Times employees pledged an additional $1,600 Tuesday on top of the $2,500 being offered by the California Lottery and the Clippers to the charity of choice for the winner of Thursday’s media shootout during halftime of the Clipper game at Staples Center. I just came down with a bad back, so Mrs. Grocery Store Bagger will be shooting in my place for the benefit of the Mattel Children’s Hospital at UCLA.

A reminder to Boston fans: Just because you’re ugly doesn’t mean you can’t donate too. You do that, and you can look in the mirror and feel real good about yourself for a change.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.