For a bestseller, forget subject and prose -- but not gifts

THE PEOPLE WHO love me, and my books, are frustrated that I don’t have fame and fortune to go along with good reviews. On her deathbed, my friend Rosemary said, “Michael, write about sex.” Uncle Robbie says I should write about the old days and “guys with nicknames.” A buddy named Fred tells me it’s a matter of payoffs. Slip some cash to the right folks and I’m in.

For years I’d insisted that sex, nostalgia or C-notes can’t guarantee a bestseller. I strained to explain that aside from works by celebrities and certain franchise authors, no one knows why certain books sell and other worthy titles languish. It’s serendipity.

Devotion to the “nobody knows” dogma is almost universal in publishing. It’s a good thing, too. The serendipity factor means no one person can be held accountable when bookstores return copies of, for instance, Bob Woodward’s “The Secret Man.” The mystery of the bestseller protects us all, which is why I was so disturbed by Steve Harrison’s e-mails. For months Steve had been challenging my faith. He could make me a bestselling author. Guaranteed!

On a slow day, when I was losing focus, I clicked on the link that would give me more information on Steve’s bestseller program. On the first page I found photos of Randy Gilbert and Peggy McColl, who had already helped Sandy Forster, Barbara McRae and Kristie Tamsevicius become, if not household names, bestselling authors. The proof was right there on pages taken from Amazon.comand BarnesandNoble.com showing these authors were once ranked in the top 10. I could learn more on a free conference call.

At the appointed time I dialed a number in Minnesota. In moments, I heard Steve, who then introduced Randy and Peggy. During the pleasantries, Randy reminded us that the “payoffs” we could expect as bestselling authors included profit and recognition. Steve jumped in to stress that last point: “You have that for the rest of your life, ‘bestselling author’ by your name.”

Peggy had big news. Her client Betsy Thompson had just finished the “campaign” for her book “The Mirror Theory” and was still busily counting her sales. The message was clear. If Betsy Thompson could do it, so could I.

“It” turned out to be a fairly elaborate scheme to create a flood of Internet orders for my next book. I would turn to friends, acquaintances and other sources to get lists of e-mail addresses and send a sales pitch to generate orders on one specific day. The surge would carry my next book (a biography of the chocolate king Milton Hershey) to the top of the list.

Did the title, subject or writing matter? No. Just consider the first sentence of Thompson’s book: “Are you saying, Charlie, that boldness describes the personality of Mary?” The key to success is not prose but gaming the websites.

Was an e-mail really going to do the trick? Loose connections -- think “Six Degrees of Separation” -- might move some of the recipients to buy, but Randy and Peggy also encouraged me to find free things to give away as premiums. It didn’t have to be anything big. One of their clients recently offered an Internet link to a free movie clip. But you had to give the people something.

As wise promoters, Steve and Randy and Peggy weren’t going to give away all their secrets on a free conference call. If I wanted more, I would have to pay for their training.

The directions for signing up were at another website. There Peggy and Randy offered 17 free bonuses for new clients. The most exciting was the Bestseller Celebration Kit, which includes a pair of champagne glasses and a coffee mug decorated with the words, “I’m a Bestselling Author.”

How much for all this success? The base price was $3,095.

In the end, it wasn’t the price alone that kept me from signing up. There was also all that work. After pouring myself into writing a book, the thought of conducting a tricky sales campaign made me feel exhausted. Besides, like everything that comes to us on the Internet, I just know that bestseller status is bound to get cheaper and easier over time. Only last week I heard from a promoter who would help me for just $550.

And I discovered more labor-saving convenience offered by one of Steve Harrison’s clients. Mahesh Grossman promised to free me from all that energy-draining work that makes me too tired to conduct a sales campaign. All I have to do is order his bestseller called “Write a Book Without Lifting a Finger.”