HE CARRIES a Giorgio Armani compact with him wherever he goes, and he's usually late because he can't walk by a mirror without stopping. But don't let the good looks, the cheesy smile or the croaking love songs fool you.
Oscar De La Hoya still makes his living trying to beat up people, and while you and I know the pug is all washed up, sometimes it's hard to avoid the low blows.
Let me explain. He's got some admirers, friends and a columnist coming over to the Beverly Hilton Hotel tonight for some kind of smorgasbord to honor Zorro, one of the Ebay founders and some other rich guy.
Black tie is optional because George Lopez is going to be the emcee.
Macy Gray is going to perform, and now that I've been told Macy is a woman, I'm guessing she's probably OK. Mario Lopez is supposed to do some dancing, and lose again. And Eva Longoria will be there along with Rick Fox. I'm told they're not together, but I do know she likes basketball players.
A lot of people will probably show up because next year by this time De La Hoya will have been beaten to a pulp by Floyd Mayweather Jr., and who wants to eat dinner while looking at a pug waiting for surgery to re-attach his nose?
It's also a good tax write-off with money raised going toward the construction of a new high school in the pug's name and a variety of medical services at White Memorial Medical for babies and their mothers in addition to the Cecilia Gonzalez De La Hoya Cancer Center.
To be honest, though, I still had no intention of going to tonight's smorgasbord, what with this being the last week at the ranch for "The Biggest Loser" and the final four being determined.
But the other day, De La Hoya joined the father/daughter radio gabfest with Uncle Fred and said he had arranged it so that Page 2 would be sitting at the same table and directly next to Salma Hayek all night long. Go ahead and sing your little heart out, Macy.
I asked the wife to stay home, of course, and watch the Big Loser so I didn't miss anything, got a haircut, began a diet, told the boss I would be busy tonight and unable to write a column for Thursday's paper and bought earplugs just in case De La Hoya surprised everyone and announced he was going to sing.
Then I went about my job. I learned De La Hoya is going to play the role of a doctor on the "George Lopez Show," make fun of Lopez's swing, which certainly won't be an acting stretch, and then flash his fists when Lopez takes exception.
Now ordinarily this would have bothered me because I have golfed with Lopez, have made fun of his swing and would certainly be more imposing if he was looking for someone to pick a fight than the washed-up shrimp packing makeup.
It's true that Lopez has said I will never appear on his show, but you know what a joker he is. And now that he's been reduced to working as a smorgasbord emcee, it's obvious his career could use a boost and I would think a call would be coming any time now.
While I was waiting, De La Hoya said past dinners have raised more than $5 million for his foundation. I told him Salma would be impressed.
He said Saturday he will be passing out toys to 5,000 kids, and I got to thinking maybe I haven't spent enough time watching "Ugly Betty" as I should have the last few weeks.
"I truly think this is just the beginning of my career. Boxing is just a vehicle to do bigger things in life and give back to people," De La Hoya said, and that's great, just great, I said, but what time will we be sitting down to dinner?
That's when he delivered the low blow.
"I should probably tell you -- right now Salma is unconfirmed for dinner," he said. "Ever since we told her who'd be sitting at her table, we haven't heard from her."
Great, now I'll probably be sitting next to some boxer drooling all over himself. Good practice, though, for when De La Hoya and I get together in the future.
TEN HORSES will be competing in "The Deuce" on Friday night at Los Alamitos, the richest race in the track's 56-year history with $2 million guaranteed. It's the race my horse is going to win next year.
I own 1% of Kiddy Up, the nose to be exact, which is the most important part of a quarter horse given the number of photo finishes. Ed Allred, who owns Los Al, bought the other meaningless 99% of our $160,000 baby, who turns 2 on Jan. 1.
"Right now he seems to spend most of his time looking at the girls," Allred reported, which is good news, because at some point, like any other guy, he's going to want to impress them.
Kiddy Up is expected to make his racing debut at Los Al in May, and everyone will be invited to cheer him on. The first $50,000 Kiddy Up earns at the track will be donated to Mattel's Children's Hospital at UCLA.
ON SATURDAY, the family will be going to Los Al to watch the older horses compete in the Champion of Champions. On the morning radio show, we solicited listeners willing to join us as Miss Radio Personality's date, bribing them with a limo and dinner. I liked "Ron," but the daughter went with "Andrew," Notre Dame over USC, the Clippers over the Lakers and USC over UCLA.
The idea, of course, is to find a husband for the daughter before the radio show is canceled. We obviously don't have much time.
YOU LEARN a lot about people doing a morning radio show. Pat Haden, the former USC quarterback, not only agreed to take the time to appear Monday, but after our goof resulted in missing him, he took the time again Tuesday to make himself available and instead of 570 paying him for his time, he wrote a $1,000 check to Mattel's.
AND FOR those who thought no one would pay J.D. Drew $33 million over the next three years, he not only got a $3-million-a-year raise from the Red Sox, but two more years tacked on. At least he'll have enough money now for a heart transplant.