Perhaps ‘Transient’ Could Have Taught Complainer a Bit About Research

The crime log of the Seal Beach Sun carried a complaint from a resident who “came into the lobby of police headquarters to report a possible transient” in his neighborhood. The resident was suspicious, because a parked car was loaded with junk. An investigation revealed that the suspect was no transient but a college student -- an understandable error on the part of the resident, as many parents can testify.

I was reminded of my old college days. A fellow staffer on the school newspaper had a bumper sticker on his jalopy that proclaimed, “This is not an abandoned vehicle.”

As security crumbles ... : “A suspect used unknown means to gain entry to an office and removed a ceramic cookie jar,” said the website for USC’s department of safety. Alas, there was no security camera to catch the suspect’s hand in the cookie jar.

And now for the traffic: An item here on Bill Keene, the punning radio reporter of old, elicited this memory from Bob Patterson of Alta Loma: “Bill reported a ladder dropped on a freeway with the comment, ‘Look out for rung-way drivers.’ ”

“Duh!” Instructions of the Week: An antibacterial soap with rather common-sense directions caught the attention of Ray Desbrow of Alhambra (see accompanying).

From “duh!” to “huh?”: Jeanne Barney of Hollywood, meanwhile, was surprised about a keep-away-from-kids warning, considering that it’s soap for babies (see accompanying).

Unclear on the concept: El Camino Real High in Woodland Hills won the U.S. Academic Decathlon championship in 2004 and 2005. Too bad the school didn’t have some of the students handle the proofreading of its summer session announcement (see accompanying).

Attention, adventurous diners: “Either this restaurant is targeting the very specialized cannibal niche market,” wrote David Chan of L.A., “or they don’t know that Hunan and Human are two different words” (see accompanying).

Teed-off physicians? Golf Digest surveyed golf and medical associations to rank the top golfer doctors in the nation (see www.golfdigest.com/doctors).

No. 1 is Doug Hanzel, a pulmonary specialist from Savannah, Ga., who averages a score of 2.3 strokes below par. No Southern California physicians made the Top 100, a statistic I find comforting.

Nice to know that local doctors seem to be spending more time in the hospital than on the driving range.

miscelLAny: “Survive the Drive!” -- a new book by David (Dr. Roadmap) Rizzo -- says Caltrans sweepers collectively pick up enough trash each day “from L.A. and Ventura county highways to cover the floor of the L.A. Coliseum to a depth of 11 feet.”

Or about what the Coliseum looked like after a Raiders game.

Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LATIMES, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A. 90012, and by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com.