Keyshawn runs the safe route

Keyshawn Johnson’s NFL reputation was as a dependable possession receiver, and he made it clear while announcing his retirement as a player Wednesday that he planned on holding tight to his new gig as an ESPN analyst.

He’ll fit right in with his new co-workers if he sticks with gems such as these:

On Detroit Lions receiver Calvin Johnson: “He’s real. He’s as good as I’ve ever seen, and I’ve watched 25 games of him probably.”

On Oakland Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell: “He’s still learning, and he’s going to learn.”

On Cleveland Browns quarterback Brady Quinn: “He looks good. He’s pretty, has nice hair.”

Way to go over the middle there, Keyshawn. We can hardly wait for your next alligator-arm critique: “Peyton Manning, boy is that guy ever good.”

Trivia time

What is the only city to be home to World Series and Stanley Cup champions in the same calendar year?

Bronx bombshells

The last few days around Yankee Stadium produced ...

* Pitcher Carl Pavano requiring Tommy John surgery, meaning his four-year, $39.95-million contract worked out to $8 million per victory.

“It’s extremely -- and put this in quotations and capitalized and italics -- ‘FRUSTRATING,’ ” Gregg Clifton, Pavano’s agent, told Newsday.

* A week after learning to pronounce the word “steroids,” Jason Giambi was meeting with lawyers from the commissioner’s office about it -- and the New York Daily News was reporting that Giambi tested positive for amphetamine use last year.

Responding to the story, Giambi told reporters, “I can’t give you an accurate, I guess, explanation.”

And still shortstop Derek Jeter told ESPN radio, “I would like to own a team. That would be kind of cool to get an opportunity to call some shots.... It would be fun.”

Oh yeah, the Boss always acts like he’s having so much fun.

Taken to the

woodshed

Penn State football Coach Joe Paterno reacted as any 80-year-old whose grandkids were out of line. He made them clean their room -- in this case, 107,000-seat Beaver Stadium.

That’s what the Nittany Lions will be doing in less-than-Happy Valley on Sundays after home games this fall -- as punishment for six players being charged with assault.

“We’re all going to do it, everybody,” Paterno told the Harrisburg Patriot-News. “Not just the kids that were involved. ‘Cause we’re all in it together. This is a team embarrassment. I wouldn’t call it anything much other than that.”

No word on whether they will also be sent to bed without dinner.

Use remote,

go to jail

An Italian man told a judge that he attempted to steal a satellite dish from a campsite so he could watch AC Milan play Liverpool in the Champions League final on Wednesday, Gazzetta dello Sport reported.

Ducks fans without Versus take note: he received a six-month sentence.

Trivia answer

New York, in 1933 (Giants and Rangers) and 1928 (Yankees and Rangers). Only twice in the last 78 years? Makes you wonder who the Angels are rooting for.

And finally ...

Punk rocker Bif Naked recently announced her engagement to Ian Walker, a Vancouver Sun sportswriter.

Finally a country where those genres are free to mingle.

Still, it begs for a pop (culture) quiz: Who wrote “Choking on the Truth?”

Bif, for her album “Purge?” Or Ian, in describing the Vancouver Canucks’ Stanley Cup playoff history?

chris.foster@latimes.com