Don’t bet the house (or the Rams)

Panthers over Falcons

* Game is called off when players decide they’d rather build a campfire and listen to Grandpa Vinny Testaverde tell fanciful tales of a long-bygone era -- including one magical season when the Falcons were actually good enough to play in the Super Bowl. Grandpa Vinny swears it’s true!

Bills over Dolphins

* At least one Dolphin refuses to take this season lying down, sparring verbally with the mighty Patriots, making the feisty assertion that New England’s 9-0 record is tainted because of the team’s spycam scandal. Unfortunately for Miami, this Dolphin is 77 years old and named Don Shula.

Steelers over Browns

* The Steelers defeated the Browns, 34-7, in the teams’ season opener, which is now also known around Cleveland as The Last Partial Game of the Charlie Frye Era. Browns management didn’t mess around. Soon after that game, Frye was traded to Seattle and replaced by Derek Anderson, who has been a regular Automatic Graham ever since.

Chiefs over Broncos

* The AFC West at a glance: The Chiefs are 4-4, with Damon Huard at quarterback and a limping Larry Johnson at tailback -- and they are tied for the division lead. The Broncos are 1-5 in their last six games, with a hobbled Jay Cutler and the league’s worst rushing defense -- and they may move into a first-place tie with a victory.

Titans over Jaguars

* The Jaguars have been doing much meditation since last week’s loss to New Orleans. The mantra: “Quinn Gray passed for 354 yards and we still lost, 41-24.” It doesn’t sound good.

Redskins over Eagles

* Redskins fan, holding a beer glass that is half full: “We beat the Jets in overtime after trailing, 17-3! Redskins fan, nursing a beer glass that is half-empty. We beat the Jets in overtime after trailing, 17-3.”

Saints over Rams

* No NFL team in 15 years has started a season 0-4 and made the playoffs. Shades of ‘92, here come the Saints, who are now 4-4 and play only one opponent with a winning record (5-4 Tampa Bay) the rest of the way. Cumulative won-lost record of the Saints’ remaining eight opponents is 24-42 -- including the Rams’ 0-8.

Ravens over Bengals

* On the flip side, the Ravens close their season this way: Cincinnati, Cleveland, at San Diego, New England, Indianapolis, at Miami, at Seattle, Pittsburgh. If there are three more victories in there, this Sunday is one of them.

Bears over Raiders

* Got to read everything on this deceptive marquee. In big bright red letters: “Bears, Culpepper hold grudge rematch!” In small print: “Culpepper now second string behind Josh McCown.” Subtitle: “Daunte, devalued.”

Giants over Cowboys

* Last week, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones gave quarterback Tony Romo a contract extension worth $67 million, plus advice about women, which was worth about $67 million less. Said Jones to the young football hero: “Tony, I’ll tell ya, sometimes they can smell fresh cash.” And Jones can’t?

Lions over Cardinals

* Same thing with this marquee. In the big red type: “Huge matchup of playoff contenders!” In small print: “Both Lions and Cardinals are a game out of first place.” In smaller print: “Cardinals are 3-5 and in the NFC West.”

Packers over Vikings

* And now for the encore performance for Minnesota rookie running back Adrian Peterson after his record 296-yard effort against San Diego. The Packers defeated the Vikings, 23-16, in Week 4, but Peterson has grown so much since then. In that game, the Packers limited Peterson to only 112 yards.

Colts over Chargers

* If you are wondering what Colts’ Joseph Addai might do against the Chargers’ defense, you are advised to replay Addai’s 73-yard catch-and-run just before halftime against the Patriots.

Seahawks over 49ers

* The 49ers have lost six games in a row with the worst offense in the league. The Seahawks are 1-3 since defeating the 49ers on Sept. 30. ESPN “Monday Night Football” executives cry out, “Flex schedule! Flex schedule!”