The end of the world? This guy’s so psyched.

WHEN that 3 a.m. call comes -- and only the most Pollyanna among us could dare to think it won’t -- Rob Kutner will be manning the watchtower, waiting in a constant state of cat-like readiness. Only he won’t be trying to prevent the apocalypse. He’ll be doing all he can to hasten it.

“The Tribulation only lasts a thousand years. What’s the worst that could happen?” says Kutner, a comedy writer and the author of the whimsical end-times handbook “Apocalypse How,” which offers practical advice for any kind of cataclysm. “There are actually a lot of advantages to the next world. It means better book sales for me.”

While some writers, like “Left Behind” mastermind the Rev. Tim LaHaye, seek to inspire repentance by presenting a terrifying glimpse of a post-rapture world, Kutner -- day job: writer for “The Daily Show” -- keeps tongue in cheek, offering chapters covering dieting, dating and decorating your bomb shelter.

This focus on soothing mortal fears is unsurprising coming from a Jewish kid who spent 13 years attending a Christian school. “I was brought up with this idea that I was very eligible for hell. That was always the threat at my school: They would send you to detention or the lake of fire,” he says. Which was worse? “It depends on who you get stuck in detention with.”

Whether it’s a bio-emergency, an asteroid, an alien invasion or a nuclear holocaust, Kutner emphasizes that each potential apocalypse has its own pitfalls. “There’s no skeleton key, as it were,” he says. “The most obvious example is that in certain scenarios it would be very hot. In others, it would be very cold. So layering is key in the event of an apocalypse.”

In each instance, tattered gray rags would always be in style. Other upsides: No electricity means no more angst about your online profile; a regimen of canned goods and road kill means no more dieting; and you won’t have to worry about running into your exes. It’s all about 50 ways to outlive your lover.

What can Los Angeles look forward to in the event of an apocalypse? “In L.A. you’ll have really hot zombies. The good thing is they probably won’t eat much. You’ll still have your Paris Hilton zombie. She’ll eat a tiny teaspoon of brains and that will be enough for a week. And L.A. zombies will be ill-prepared to walk. But watch out for zombies on roller blades. You want to stay away from the whole Venice/Santa Monica area. Those ones move fast,” Kutner says.

In a culture steeped in the dogma of self-esteem, “Apocalypse How” may be the ultimate exercise in positive thinking. “I think that people in L.A. are always sort of ready for ‘the big one,’ ” Kutner says. “I just want to expand their horizons of what all the possible big ones are.”

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-- Elina.Shatkin@latimes.com

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ROB KUTNER

WHERE: Vroman’s Bookstore. 695 E. Colorado Blvd., Pasadena

WHEN: 7 p.m. Monday

PRICE: Free

INFO: (626) 449-5320

WHERE: Book Soup. 8818 W. Sunset Blvd., West Hollywood

WHEN: 7 p.m. Tuesday

PRICE: Free.

INFO: (310) 659-3110