He’s back from vacation, what did he miss?

The Darling Duo remain innocent, but the rest of the family is still behind bars, convicted of RV mutiny a few years back, which meant going on vacation this summer with just the wife.

Obviously I was anxious to get back to work, already worried I might not return in time before the Angels and Mike Garrett are eliminated.

But there’s nothing like getting away with the wife, I can now tell you that, flying 1,500 miles to stand in the same spot in the pool because we don’t swim, which meant talking to each other for six straight days.

As for romantic moments, though, ever since Tom Lasorda started calling the wife, “Saint Ginny,” it’s put kind of a chill on things.

The wife’s idea of a drink by the pool, by the way, is a bottle of water, so things didn’t get really wild until the evenings.

Married 37 years, we tried going out on a date together Saturday evening in Hilton Head, S.C., making our way to Piggy Wiggly, genuinely excited to get a customer discount even though we didn’t have a Pig Card.

Highlight of the trip.

We also spent a day in Savannah, Ga., as good an incentive as any to avoid Hell, looking for the bench Forrest Gump sat on. They have 24 parks there, or squares as they call them, so many choices for the town’s derelicts, but not one of the squares has a sign indicating Gump was there.

Whoever is in charge of Savannah tourism has a chance to one day work as GM of the Clippers. If you can come up with the name of the present Clippers’ GM, you need a vacation.

Turns out the bench is in some museum, a one-way sign occupying the spot where Gump sat, but there is a nice ice cream stand nearby where you can sit and imagine who once occupied the empty, dilapidated buildings across the street.

Every restaurant there had the feeling you were sharing a table with bugs, but once the wife got her Imodium, she seemed content. Got to say it improved my vacation too.

We also visited Mt. Rushmore, although you can drive by on the highway, make a U-turn, head back to the airport, tell everyone you saw it all and not be lying.

She wanted to stop, of course, and take hundreds of pictures of four guys who never change their expressions. Not much different than her side of the family now that I think about it.

Meanwhile, back home so much was happening … and Dwyre was writing about horse racing.

I missed the Lakers’ parade, and the feeling of exhilaration others must have felt, knowing there are only 60,000 losers in an area of 13 million or so — willing to wind their way through traffic on a work day, park and catch a few seconds of waving Lakers as they whisk by in a bus.

I also missed the USCheaters’ appeal to the NCAA to reduce sanctions, but figure I’ll get another opportunity once recruiting coordinator Ed Orgeron really gets to work.

I missed the NHL draft, and had I been home and at work, I would have missed the NHL draft.

I missed the news that three incoming UCLA football players had been arrested, and Rick Neuheisel had declined to return a call to The Times. Don’t you love coaches who preach accountability and then go into hiding?

I checked my messages and I don’t know how I missed Phil Jackson’s call to tell me he would be appearing again on Jeanie Vision. As his buddy now, I hope to convince him to place more emphasis on securing the home-court advantage and keeping us out of gawd-awful Utah for the playoffs.

I miss Don Coryell, who died while I was gone, as wonderful a person as he was a football innovator. Coryell is a reminder the NFL has it all wrong in allowing the media to determine who goes into the Hall of Fame, like any of those scribes know a good offensive lineman from a bad one. They certainly couldn’t recognize a good coach from a brilliant one in keeping Coryell out.

I missed everything Plaschke wrote, and so I can only imagine.

While in Arizona sweating and visiting the Darling Duo as well as the 7-Eleven Kid, who turned 5 on 7-11, I stopped by to see the Dodgers play the Diamondbacks and ask Joe Torre if Ramirez was hurt again because he was no longer taking female fertility drugs. Last place I ever thought I’d get the cold shoulder would be Arizona.

By the way, the twins are more than just blobs now, one of them waving bye-bye every time I say, “Manny.”

I missed it while gone, but expected it, the Clippers blowing it this off-season, an inexperienced blow hard for a GM, hiring a coach with a .500 record and missing out on every top free agent. But then why would anyone join a team after hearing once again the owner failed to make good on the money owed to the previous head coach?

I’m going to miss Uncle Pete, in town later this week to hawk his new book, “Beating the Posse Out of Town,” or something like that because he’s as slick as Rick now when it comes to spinning recruiting violations.

I missed World Cup soccer. I’m guessing Beckham did as well as he did promoting the sport here.

I would have missed this curious tidbit had someone not emailed the New York Times story about the Dodgers’ executive who was paid $400,000 in 2007 to oversee the Dodgers Dream Foundation which raised $1.25 million the same year. Talk about living a dream.

The “E” in ESPN should stand for embarrassing, and I’m not talking about “Around the Horn,” but rather its 48-hour lead-up to LeBron James’ decision.

As for James, I don’t understand all the negative criticism. When Kobe became a free agent, he went for the money and stayed with the Lakers, going 121-125 without good teammates before throwing a tantrum and demanding better.

James could have made more money in Cleveland had he stayed, but he joined two other very good players, which seems to be the prerequisite now for having any chance of winning it all.

He hasn’t done much right since walking off the court two years ago without shaking hands, everything coming out of his mouth these days ego-driven, but how do you bang him for placing winning above everything else? Sounds Kobe-like.

I had no idea how much I’d miss these people who live among you, the same ones worried they might lose Derek Fisher yet just a few months ago they couldn’t wait to get rid of him.

Yeah, it’s good to be back, but now I’m off to Lake Tahoe on assignment, which means I can’t take the wife. Just one of those sacrifices you have to make in this line of work.

t.j.simers@latimes.com