San Diego Padres will make him look good on radio

Who knew San Diego was more torture chamber than Shangri-La?

The Padres have taken the baseball season down to the last day, but, all together now: What happens next?

They lose. It’s a San Diego tradition.

A month or so ago, I told the two homers who do radio in San Diego that the Padres wouldn’t be in the World Series because they weren’t going to make it to the playoffs.

“So you don’t think they’re going to win the division,” said 1090’s Scott Kaplan, who does all the talking on a morning show he shares with former linebacker Billy Ray Smith.

Since they do radio and you don’t see them, I will tell you Kaplan is the punier of the two, which probably goes without saying because he’s a former kicker.

“They not only won’t win the division, they won’t make it as a wild card,” I said.

As he does on occasion, Smith chimed in. “Huh,” he said.

The Padres had something like a 30-game lead at the time on the rest of the division. But I know there is only one thing that teams from San Diego excel at — and that’s disappointing their fans.

Smith’s retort: “Huh.”

The puny kicker pretty much ends every sentence by saying, “you wanna bet?” and did so again.

He said if the Padres make the playoffs, the two of them would write a Page 2 column for The Times. Smith really liked that idea, having just bought a new box of crayons.

Later I learned Times editors were also rooting for the Padres.

As the wager went, if the Padres failed to advance, then Kaplan and Smith would turn their radio show over to Miss Radio Personality and Page 2 for nothing but San Diego bashing.

Father and daughter have already begun work on the show. And just for San Diego, instead of beginning each segment with “We Are Family,” we’ll make it, “I Love L.A.”

We haven’t discussed a date as of yet, but I think Oct. 28 is looking pretty good.

I realize we’re taking a chance here and Kaplan and Smith might be off the air by then. But Lee Hacksaw Hamilton is the one most likely to replace them, and I’m sure he’d honor the wager.

Oct. 28 is perfect because the Lakers will get their championship rings two nights earlier. That will allow us to talk about a team that finishes what it starts.

Chargers fans will tell you they have never seen such a thing.

The World Series begins Oct. 27, so we’ll be able to remind everyone the next morning on the radio how the Padres let them down. It should be very emotional.

We’ll also want to discuss the Chargers and get to know them better because they will be moving to Los Angeles.

It’s not like anyone in San Diego cares, although by Oct. 28 there’s a decent chance the Chargers will have sold out a game. It’s tough when Norv Turner coaches your team and you already know how the season is going to end.

Too bad about the Padres. A real heartbreaker. We’ll try to have counselors available Oct. 28 when we appear on 1090, and maybe Tom Lasorda as well.

If there is any city in need of a pep talk, and a new morning radio show, it has to be San Diego.

THE GIANTS had the tying run on base in the bottom of the ninth and the entire Dodgersclubhouse stood watching TV. But instead of the Giants game, they were watching LSU and Tennessee.

“It’s the football season,” said Clayton Kershaw. It is for the Dodgers.

MAYBE SOMEONE can explain it to me. The Times ran a letter from David Tulanian Saturday morning noting my “infatuation” with Diane Lane while criticizing me for not paying as much attention to a dead horse. And I’m the one with the problem?

MATT KEMP hit a grand slam and was Mr. Love. As Dylan Hernandez noted in his story two days ago, Kemp went from being moody and sour to just wanting to make his fans happy.

That lasted two days.

He was as miserable as ever Saturday, and of course Page 2 had something to do with it. He claimed Page 2 twists everything when he speaks.

“I dare you to write that,” he said, before calling Page 2 a “fat, old man.” Nothing wrong with his eyesight, I’ve got to admit that.

But this goes back to his agent, Dave Stewart, who wrote in an e-mail he didn’t care about Dodgers fans. I checked with Kemp at the time to find out if his agent was speaking for him, relaying to him what had been said about the fans.

“Write whatever you want,” he said. I mentioned Andruw Jones’ name, Jones dismissing the fans and the fans then dismissing him.

He said he agreed with everything his agent had said.

I gave him another chance an hour or so later. I explained it wasn’t the smartest thing to do — turning his back on Dodgers fans.

He repeated himself, but now he’s apparently suffering from amnesia.

At least when Jeff Kent was miserable, he stood by his comments, whether they were stupid or not.

IF YOU want to sit in Frank McCourt’s field box like Steve Soboroff did Saturday night, just write McCourt a gushy letter.

J.R. FLORES sent along a letter and his “Think Blue” license plate holder that reads: “Follow Me To Dodger Stadium.”

He asked that I give it to the owner of the Dodgers and wrote, “Why would I ever encourage anyone to travel to Dodger Stadium, when I am never returning?”

WHEN A manager with Don Mattingly’s experience says the Dodgers can still count on Jonathan Broxton as the team’s closer next season — what’s to worry about?

EVER SINCE poking fun at Charley Steiner, I’ve gotten the silent treatment in return. Don’t you wish you had a Page 2 column?

t.j.simers@latimes.com