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Nick Cannon, father of 12, insures testicles for $10 million, ensuring new punch lines

Nick Cannon laughing in a sherbet-orange jacket, blue tie and eyeglasses
Nick Cannon, who has fathered 12 children, one of whom died, just had his testicles appraised at $10 million.
(Andy Kropa / Invision / Associated Press)
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Nick Cannon, television host and polarizing procreator, has secured a $10-million insurance policy for his testicles.

The father of 12 — who notably welcomed five children with five different women in 2022 — said the valuation means he can self-proclaim the title of “Most Valuable Balls.” The designation even comes with its own trophy.

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“Haters say it’s time for me to stop having kids and put this super sperm to rest, but I’m doubling down on these valuable balls and my future kids,” Cannon said in a statement.

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The “Wild ‘N Out” host specifically thanked personal-care company Dr. Squatch, purveyors of men’s soap, for “giving my balls the credit they deserve” and taking out an official policy through the Marsh & McLennan Agency and Momentous Insurance Brokerage.

The company said the valuation was extrapolated from Cannon’s answers on its virtual Ball Valuation Tool, which assessed the gonads’ “size, favorite features and bedroom maneuvers.” (A fine-print disclaimer clarified that the quiz was “in no way scientific.” One scientific fact: Mere mortals who take the quiz likely will be encouraged to buy soap. )

Cannon’s family expansion has been widely talked about and widely memed . He has leaned into the jokes over time, appearing in a 2022 commercial with Ryan Reynolds to whip up a cocktail called “the Vasectomy,” aka “the mother of all cocktails,” and comforting Elon Musk last year after the tech mogul welcomed twins.

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Cannon told The Times last year that he never planned to have a big family. Rather, he said, he was a hopeless romantic and a people pleaser.

So when the ladies in his life said they wanted children, he obliged.

“I just wanted to give them what they desired,” he told The Times’ Amy Kaufman. “I kept saying, ‘I can handle it.’”

He also said he doesn’t care what anyone thinks — and that the $100 million he makes a year (far more than what his testicles are supposedly worth) is the real measure of his success.

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“Right now the narrative is, ‘He has a bunch of kids,’” he said in 2023. “But I’m really at a place now where I don’t care what people know. I’d rather just operate. It’s more about really being a good person instead of telling people you’re a good person.”

He will now, apparently, tell you about his testicles as well.

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