Opinion: Rewriting the DMV test for real-life driving

I’ll be taking the DMV driving test anon to renew my license, but the handbook of California’s rules of the road looks a bit dated when it comes to driving as it’s practiced here and now.

If we were to rewrite the answers to match the way we actually drive, this is how a sample test might look:

CALIFORNIA HAS A NEW LAW GOVERNING MOTORISTS AND BICYCLISTS. IT REQUIRES THAT

a) A driver must leave at least three feet between car and bicyclist unless the driver received a grade below a “C” in third-grade arithmetic.

b) Drivers who curse at bicyclists must do so in words that can be lip-read through the passenger-side window at a distance of no less than three feet.

c) Drivers trying to get a nervous laugh out of their passengers may pretend to swerve into cyclists only on streets with dedicated bike lanes.

TEXTING WHILE DRIVING IS AGAINST THE LAW FOR MOTORISTS UNLESS THEY ARE

a) Law enforcement officers.

b) Steering with their knees.

c) Only using consonants.

DRIVING ABOVE THE POSTED SPEED LIMIT IS ILLEGAL EXCEPT WHEN

a) Your car cost more than your parents’ first house.

b) It has been raining for at least five minutes.

c) Everyone else is doing it.

YOU MAY PARK IN A DESIGNATED HANDICAPPED SPACE ONLY IF

a) A grandparent left you his/her handicapped placard in his/her legally probated will or estate.

b) You are a college athlete playing for an NCAA Division I team.

c) Your name is Steve Jobs.

HOW LONG AFTER A TRAFFIC LIGHT CHANGES FROM GREEN CAN YOU PROCEED THROUGH THE INTERSECTION?

a) Until the light has been red for a full three seconds.

b) Until at least two cross-bound vehicles have honked their horns at you.

c) For as long as it takes.

CHILDREN UP TO WHAT AGE MUST BE RESTRAINED IN PROPERLY INSTALLED CAR SEATS?

a) 6

b) 3

c) 32

If Californians were honest about the way they drive, then the answers would be, of course, “all of the above.”

What are your actual rules of the road?

Follow Patt Morrison on Twitter @pattmlatimes