I want my, um...TV?

With one out of five voters longing for a return to “values,” television is busy revamping its prime-time lineup. After all, the moral state of the nation is at stake and, besides, who can afford the FCC fines?

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7:00 CROSSCHAT (CNN) Former firebrands Paul Begala and Robert Novak compare fabric swatches for Begala’s new window treatments. Tucker Carlson lends his keen sense of color to the discussion.

8:00 THE SOPRANOS (HBO) When the Gambini family moves in on the Sopranos’ loan-shark operations, Tony (James Gandolfini) takes matters into his own hands, firing off an angry letter to the Better Business Bureau. Tony Danza guest stars as “The Mailman.”

8:00 FEAR FACTOR (NBC) In a tense faceoff, contestants compete in edge-of-your-seat challenges, including: returning an overdue library book unnoticed, tearing the “Do Not Remove” label from a mattress and eating week-old crudites.

9:00 WILL & GRACE (NBC) After a surprise monthlong stay at a conversion camp, Will (Eric McCormack) comes back a “new man.” Unfortunately for Grace (Debra Messing), this means he dresses badly, refuses to ask for directions and never gives up the remote.

9:00 DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES (ABC) Panicked that Martha Stewart no longer appears on television, Susan (Teri Hatcher) and Lynette (Felicity Huffman) attempt to prepare braised lamb shank completely on their own. Calamity ensues.

9:30 ACCORDING TO JESUS (ABC) In this playful but pious episode, Jim (Jim Belushi) casts off his boorish ways and joins a Bible study group at the local church. Old habits die hard, however, when Jim impishly puts whoopee cushions in the pews. Special guest star Mel Gibson appears as the Holy Ghost.

10:00 LAW & ORDER: FBU (NBC) The elite Fender Bender Unit hits the streets, defusing an explosive dispute between a New York City cab driver (guest star Deepak Chopra) and a Long Island Security Mom (Ally Sheedy). Parental warning: Episode contains footage of drivers not wearing seat belts.

10:00 CSI: TOLEDO (CBS) In a new spinoff of the white-hot forensic franchise, a crack team of investigators heads to the Midwest to infiltrate illegal gay weddings in Ohio. Harvey Fierstein stars as wily Det. Leslie McGreevey, who can “spot a nancy-boy clear across the dance floor.”

11:00 THE O’REILLY FACTOR (FNC)

Programming note: “The Factor” will be preempted until Mr. O’Reilly can locate a guest with a contrary point of view.