Looking Ahead at 1985

Some stories I think we’re bound to read sometime during 1985:

NEW YORK--The NFL has canceled its April 30 college draft.

Commissioner Pete Rozelle was reluctant to discuss specifics of the cancellation, but inside sources say the NFL called off its draft for two primary reasons:

--Rozelle and many team owners are begining to have serious reservations about the legality and morality of the draft.

--There are no players to draft.

The USFL, which has its college draft in early January, has already signed every eligible senior player in the country, including Heisman Trophy winner Doug Flutie, who is the third straight Heisman winner to join the USFL.

“Big deal,” Rozelle said. “We’ve got two or three former Heisman winners still active in our league, and that’s not counting O.J. Simpson.”

CHICAGO--The Big Ten will not be sending a team to the Rose Bowl in 1986, and is breaking off its contract with the Pacific 10.

“Count us out,” said Big Ten commissioner Wayne Duke in a formal letter to Pac-10 officials. “This year we tried a different hotel, we tried a different style of play, we even tried feeding our players tofu burgers and soy shakes, and still we lose.

“Find yourselves another patsy. I hear the Washington Generals are free next New Year’s Day.”

There was no immediate word from the Washington Generals, who were on the road, playing basketball against the Harlem Globetrotters.

SHAWNEE, Kan.--The NCAA has added a new wrinkle to its rules enforcement program. Starting immediately, any team found guilty of significant violations of NCAA rules will simply not be allowed to play for a season.

Until now, the strongest penalty levied by the NCAA was probation.

“That was wrist-slapping, and nobody was really punished,” said an NCAA official. “Our new plan will punish all the responsible parties--administrators, coaches, alumni and athletes.”

Asked how the new policy would affect next year’s college football schedule, the official responded: “What schedule?”

NEW YORK--The Cleveland Indians have been voted national professional baseball champions of 1985 in a poll of writers, coaches and hotel doormen.

Until this year, the championship was determined in competition, known as the World Series.

“We did away with the Series and league playoffs because the season was just getting too doggone long,” baseball Commissioner Peter Ueberroth said. “You have to remember that these players are also businessmen who have important obligations, and it’s not fair to keep them playing way into October.”

The Indians had only the 18th-best record in the major leagues, but picked up heavy sympathy voting when the team failed to sell a single season ticket.

“This should really help next year’s ticket sales,” said Patrick O’Neill, Indians’ chairman of the board, kissing the national championship trophy.

WASHINGTON, D.C.--The U.S. government today placed an indefinite ban on crowd shots during televised sporting events.

A long FBI investigation revealed that the live crowd shots--those shots of 14 silly people jumping up and down, waving and making faces--were actually recorded in a studio and featured relatives and friends of network executives.

“We should’ve figured it out long ago,” an FBI spokesman said. “Why else would they have been showing those stupid shots that don’t add anything to the telecasts? Besides, if you look close, it’s always the same 14 people, although they did change their hats.”

A spokesman for the three major networks, asked what would be done to fill the void on telecasts, said: “I guess we’ll just have to show the game.”

INDIANAPOLIS--In an attempt to add realism to the race, officials of the Indy 500 announced today that competing drivers will be required to make their pit stops at regular filling stations.

“We feel that the race was becoming too far removed from the real driving experience,” said a race official. “The drivers were becoming too pampered.”

This year, drivers in need of gas or new tires will be allowed to exit the famed brickyard in search of a filling station, most of which will be closed on Memorial Day.

“Some of these guys have never learned real driving skills, like paying in advance when you don’t know how much gas you need, asking directions from a kid who doesn’t know left from right, and washing your windshield with a squeegee dipped in a bucket of water that was used to mop the restrooms,” the spokesman said.

KANSAS CITY, Mo.--The mammoth cash surplus generated by the 1984 Olympics in Los Angeles, which had been earmarked to pay the national debt and stamp out world hunger, has been reported missing.

The money, billions of dollars in small bills, was being stored in grain silos. Investigators fear that the money might have been eaten by hungry rodents, or accidentally sent to Russia in the latest grain shipment.

“There’s no reason to panic,” said a silo security guard, wearing a sheepish grin. “It’s probably around here someplace. If we don’t find it, they can just hold another Olympics next summer.”