Three Hoots for the Hoosiers, College and Pro

THE COLLEGES

Can the state of Indiana pull off a rare double--win a Bottom Ten crown in both the college and pro football follies in the same year?

Certainly, the Who?siers (0-11 in 1984) seem to have what it doesn’t take this season. They should be able to outfumble such rival pretenders as Texas at El Wobbly Paso (2-9), Columbia--not affiliated with the Columbia School of Broadcasting--(0-9), and Minnehaha (4-7).

One darkgoat candidate is Navy (4-6-1), still reeling from charges that it paid contractors such exorbitant prices as $3,216 per kicking tee, $2,160 per protective cup and $152,614 per set of goal posts, although the cross bar was thrown in free.

As with any new season, questions remain to be answered. Which will fare poorer, Colorado’s defense or Rice’s offense? And what type of year will Pat Summerall have for participating True Value Hardware stores? Only time will tell.

The Rankled:

Team, ’84 Record ’84 Rout 1st ’85 Loss

1. Indiana (0-11) 7-50, Ohio State Louisville (9/14) 2. UTEP (2-9) 2-51, S.D. State Air Force (8/31) 3. Cal (2-9) 7-33, Wash. St. San Jose (8/31) 4. Colorado (1-10) 7-52, Missouri Colo. St. (9/7) 5. Columbia (0-9) 9-41, Dartmouth Harvard (9/21) 6. Rice (1-10) 3-38, Miami (Fla.) Miami (9/14) 7. Navy (4-6-1) 0-29, Syracuse N. Carolina (9/7) 8. Minnehaha (4-7) 7-31, Michigan Wich. St. (9/14) 9. Bos. Coll. (9-2) 20-21, W. Va. BYU (8/29) 10. N’western (2-9)* 3-52, Ohio State Duke (9/7)

11. Kansas (5-6); 12. Utah State (1-10); 13. Penn State (6-5)**; 14. Pitt (3-7-1); 15. Missouri (3-7-1); 16. Oregon State (2-9) (or is it Oregon?); 17. Colorado State (3-8); 18. Cornell (2-7); 19. Alabumble (5-6); 20. Washington (10-1; but deserves to be ranked since its fans reputedly originated the dreaded practice known as the wave).

*Some Big Ten experts believe that Indiana isn’t even the worst team in the Big Ten, let alone the nation--that the Mildcats deserve both distinctions.

**Based on this statement by Coach Joe Paterno after spring practice: “We are not a very good football team, period.” Bottom Ten selectors believe everything coaches say.

OPENING ROUT: Air Force (7-4) over the University of Texas at El Out-of-Bounds Paso (2-9).

CRUMMY OPENER: Cal (2-9) vs. San Jose State (6-5).

QUOTEBOOK: Defensive tackle Colin Scotts, one of several University of Hawaii players trained by a professional firewalker to amble over hot coals: “I can’t wait until the (opening) game with Kansas to put it to use.” The world’s first bare-footed tackle?

THE PROS

The NFL has abandoned the idea of postponing play until next spring to fill the void left by the USFL, which means poor Indianapolis can’t put off the season any longer.

The Dolts (4-12 last year) are brimming with hollow fame potential and seem destined to supplant last year’s champion, Buffalo (2-14).

For once, the most suspenseful aspect of the Dolts’ drama isn’t when owner Robert Irsay will make his annual charge into the team locker room to deliver an incomprehensible pep talk. Now there’s the specter of a divorce settlement in which he may be forced to hand over the Dolts to his wife. Irsay vows that she’ll wind up with nothing more than the special teams.

Incidentally, Irsay doesn’t deserve all the credit for the team’s supine position. Don’t forget the man he hired as general manager a few years ago after an exhausting, nationwide talent search--his son, Jimmy.

The Rankled:

Team, ’84 Record Worst ’84 Loss 1st ’85 Loss 1. Indianapolis (4-12) 7-44, Miami Pitt 2. Philadelphia (6-9-1) 0-20, Washington N.J. Giants 3. Cleveland (5-11) 0-33, Seattle St. Louis 4. Detroit (4-11-1) 9-41, Green Bay Atlanta 5. Miami (14-2) 16-38, S.F.* Houston

6. Buffalo (2-14); 7. Minneapolis (3-13); 8. Tampa Bay (6-10); 9. Houston (3-13); 10. Reseda Express (USFL) (record unknown; statistician ran out of pencils).

*Super Bowl rout from which Dolphins may never recover.

CRUMMY OPENER: Detroit (4-11-1) vs. Atlanta (4-12).

YA GOTTA HAVE FAITH DEPT.: As if the Lions’ record wasn’t bad enough, the roof fell in--literally--on the Silverdome after the season ended. The first group to use it after it was repaired? A convention of Jehovah’s Witnesses.

WITH OR WITHOUT POM-PONS?: Dallas Cowboys Weekly--spotlighting what it calls “America’s favorite team”--promises a “cheerleader’s centerfold in color every issue.” Good thing Tom Landry isn’t coaching there anymore. He would never allow anything so risque.