Only in Sports Can One Come Up With Such Amazing Stories

There is a new television show called “Amazing Stories.” I haven’t seen it yet, but I assume it is a show dealing with true-life sports stories, because those are the most amazing stories of all.

Here are some amazing examples of amazing stories the TV show will probably be featuring, if Steven Spielberg has any sense at all:

It’s amazing that a Japanese baseball team is considering hiring Billy Martin as its manager. His first week on the job, Billy will get into a scuffle in a sushi bar. He’ll take offense when the bartender asks if he would like a shrimp cocktail.

It’s amazing that the amazing Eric Dickerson isn’t amazing anymore. I realize the Rams’ offensive line is still below par, and the entire offense has been out of sync.

Still, Eric used to hurt people, especially in one-on-one, open-field situations, such as turning the corner and zeroing in on a defensive back. Dickerson used to explode into these guys, put some hurt on ‘em. Where’s the old amazing crackle and pop?

It’s amazing that Patrick Ewing, a promising rookie, signed a 10-year contract for just over $3 million a year. What’s amazing is not the amount of the contract, but the fact that the contract is about three months old now and Ewing’s agent has not demanded that the Knicks renegotiate.

Maybe it’s because Ewing will earn himself another $1 million or so a year on his shoe contract, which should help the old cash flow.

It’s amazing that an athlete, John Tudor, phoned a sportswriter and apologized for snarling at the reporter during the World Series. The only other such instance I can remember is Tom Lasorda making a similar apology to a sportswriter a season ago. Take my word for it, it’s rare. Amazing, in fact.

It’s amazing that a single fan in Denver’s Mile High Stadium, a fan who may have been more than a mile high, was able to help the Broncos beat the San Francisco 49ers Monday night.

The 49ers were attempting a field goal in the first half when a perfectly timed snowball exploded in front of holder Matt Cavanaugh, causing Cavanaugh to fumble the ball and abort the kick. The TV announcers denounced the unknown snowballer, but they should have also credited the man, or woman, with a heck of a throw.

It’s amazing that the game officials made no call on the play, such as fan interference. If snowball pelting from the stands is legal, I hereby apply for the Coliseum snow-cone concession for Raider home games.

It’s amazing that Chris Mullin, the 6-foot 6-inch guard from St. John’s, was drafted as high as he was--No. 7--considering he’s a slow-footed white guy.

After a long salary holdout, and with not a single minute of NBA scrimmage time under his belt, Mullin is averaging around 15 points and the sad-sack Warriors have won all three games he’s played. He may be the slowest, whitest guy since Larry Bird.

It’s amazing that a future Hall of Famer, Rod Carew, could wind up his career with the Angels with so little fanfare. This has to be the quietest superstar exit ever. Steve Garvey leaving the Dodgers, for instance, was treated as a community catastrophe. For some reason, despite his stick work and his charity work, Carew never caught on as a major baseball hero here.

It’s amazing that a group of major league baseball players could send Curtis Strong up the river for 12 years, after Strong so faithfully catered their clubhouse cold cuts and cocaine. Strong should consider getting himself a new agent and demand that the judge renegotiate his sentence.

It’s amazing that the Clippers still haven’t signed Norm Nixon. When was the last time the Lakers lost an all-star caliber player over a salary dispute? The Clippers have offered Nixon good money, but most of it deferred.

There is an amazing rumor that Nixon actually signed his contract long ago, but that much of his playing time is deferred to future seasons.

It’s amazing that Joe Montana’s daughter is barely a month old and already has a new name. The baby’s name was Alexandra Whitney, but Frank Gifford, on the Monday Night Football broadcast, referred to her as Alexandria. Since it was uttered live on Monday Night Football, the name Alexandria is legally binding.

It’s amazing that Joe Namath, once a fashion trend-setter on the field and off, would show up on-camera Monday night wearing a hat you wouldn’t put on a milk-wagon horse.

In closing, I would like to recall the amazing words of broadcaster Geoff Witcher on Prime Ticket Network, introducing Laker broadcasters Chick Hearn and Keith Erickson before the team’s home opener. Said Witcher: “And now, let’s go to Kiss and Cheeth.”