Well, the 58th Academy Awards have come and gone. I, for one, am not sorry to see them go.
A few suggestions for next year:
Dump Jane Fonda and Alan Alda as hosts. They were as interesting as watching oatmeal cook. Instead, keep Robin Williams and add Steve Martin as his co-host. They should keep the audience awake.
Bring back Statler and Waldorf, the two Muppets in the balcony. They were almost as funny as Williams.
Eliminate all production numbers. I watch the Oscars to find out who wins , not to see Debbie Reynolds, Howard Keel, et al., dance around. The nominated songs don’t need to be performed--it’s not like we haven’t heard them a billion times on the radio.
Start with the categories least likely to be interesting to the average viewer (e.g., documentary, short film) then work through the technical awards, thus saving the big ones (actors, actresses, director, and picture) for last, bringing the show to a (semi) interesting climax.
In acceptance speeches, if anyone says anything similar to “I don’t know what to say, because I really didn’t expect to win,” use a vaudeville-type hook to yank them off stage. It’s their own fault, not being prepared.
Please, please, please, please, please , do not let Cher present another Oscar dressed like Rodan. I almost lost my lunch when she came in.
Ideas for future presenter: Mike the Dog from “Down and Out in Beverly Hills,” the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, Pee-wee Herman, Peter O’Toole and Richard Burton. (Yes, I know he’s dead, but that’s why it would be so keen!)
These ideas won’t necessarily cut down the time of the Oscars, but it certainly will make for a much more bizarre show, won’t it?