THE YEAR IN REVIEW

Sports in the Valley brought some wonderful surprises in 1986. And some not-so-wonderful surprises. Some athletes rose to the pinnacle. Others tumbled. Some coaches emerged as brilliant strategists and motivators. Others said things they wish they could reel back in. Now that the year has raced by, it’s time to take a not-so-serious look at the way they were. JANUARY

Dude, Like Gag Me With a Tank

Steve Armstrong of Agoura quits the U.S. Military Academy because he was cut from the football team and doesn’t like the regimentation. “It just wasn’t for me,” he said. Steve said he planned to transfer to UC Santa Barbara because, “It’s close and it’s on the beach. I’m kind of laid back.”

The Dean May Want to Hear It

ABC announcer Keith Jackson, of Sherman Oaks: “When you turn the TV to a college game, I bet you don’t want to hear that the running back is getting $38 more a month than the right tackle, or that he’s shacking up with the dean of the English department’s daughter.”

The Cats Die 67.3% of the Time

Bud Goode of North Hollywood, who provides detailed computer statistical analysis for six NFL teams: “Mistakes kill a team. I hate mistakes. When two of my teams are playing each other and one team makes a mistake, I throw my cat at the TV.”

Maybe a Squirrel Bit Through

the Phone Line, or Maybe . . .

Heavyweight boxer Dee Collier, complaining about his lack of recognition even after knocking down Randy (Tex) Cobb five times at The Country Club in Reseda for a first-round knockout: “I thought I would hear from more people by now. I thought I would hear from some big promoters like Don King. I hope there will be more calls by the end of the month. I guess maybe it’s because of the holiday season.”

But Spiritual Nonetheless

Steve Seagal, a martial arts expert from Hollywood: “The martial arts have to be an endeavor in which you’re trying to develop the physical man and perfect the spiritual self at the same time.”

On his devotion to the sport: “I’m a stubborn, maniacal idiot.”

The $40,000 Secret

A 10-month dispute between CSUN and fired track and field Coach Bill Webb ends in a $40,000 settlement for Webb. CSUN officials again refuse to give any reason for Webb’s firing.

Make Him Play Hockey

Valley College basketball Coach Virgil Watson, on Mario Lopez, who fouled out of 11 of the team’s first 17 games: “What am I going to do, put him on the bench? He’s going to end up there anyway. It’s like making a guy on the track team run a lap. He runs anyway, so what would that do?”

Our Father, Who Art

Above the Rim . . .

Randy Stem, basketball coach at The Master’s College, a Christian school: “Right now I’m looking for a 6-9 athlete who believes in God and can handle the ball.”

Now Cover Your Right Eye

and Read the Fourth Line

“How do you spell the coach’s name?” a reporter asked after Santa Clara High had beaten Calabasas in a basketball game. Two people in the Santa Clara coach’s office replied quickly, “C-v-i-j-a-n-o-v-i-c-h . . . If you can’t spell the coach’s name around here, it’s a sin.”

Oh Gosh, Who Could It Be ?

A few days before CSUN introduced its new football coach, the school said it had narrowed the choice to three finalists but absolutely, positively would not release any more information.

Two of the finalists said CSUN had told them the job had been offered to somebody else. At Cal State Fullerton, where the third finalist--Bob Burt--was an assistant coach, the athletic director said: “We’re disappointed to see him leave, but we wish him well. He will do a great job at Northridge. It’s a great opportunity for him.”

CSUN kept the secret for another day or two before announcing that Burt was its new coach.

Like Playing the 2nd Half With

Their Sneakers Tied Together

Agoura High girls basketball Coach Kathy Pudelko, angered after her team’s 113-6 loss to Santa Clara: “We’ve played some good teams that could have done the same thing, but not one of them chose to do so. Instead, they decided to work on some other things.”

Moe, Larry and Curly

Were Not Available

Tom Keele had a 31-42-1 record in seven years at CSUN, producing only two winning football teams in seven years. He was fired in part because he held an illegal tryout for kickers and the NCAA was investigating. After he was hired as an assistant at Weber State, that school’s athletic director had this to say: “We’re happy to pick up a guy with experience like that.”

Now That’s a Switch

CSUN basketball Coach Pete Cassidy, after a loss to Chapman College: “We turned off our brains and turned on the stupidity.”

Or Maybe a Motor Scooter

Jim Biby, co-owner of the Ventura County Gulls: “During the summer we’ll attract a lot of kids. We’re trying to work out a bus schedule for them . . . bring them in on buses.”

The Gulls averaged 540 fans per game.

FEBRUARY

Oohh Say Can You . . . Duck ?

After a CSUN and Cal State Bakersfield basketball game is marred by numerous fights, with two players ejected and one in the hospital with a mild concussion, CSUN Coach Pete Cassidy said: “It’s nothing I didn’t expect from that outfit. One of their players threatened one of our players before the game even started.”

A Joke With a Great Punch Line

Flyweight Alonzo Strongbow, before fighting Olympic gold medalist Paul Gonzalez at the Palladium in Hollywood: “He’s not even a fighter. He belongs as an amateur. It should be a good tuneup for me. I’m a quality fighter. He’s a joke.”

Gonzalez pounded Strongbow nonstop for 12 rounds for an easy decision.

Oops. Never Mind

The Los Angeles Community College District announces plans to fire 39 physical education instructors. In the end, only two physical education instructors were laid off, and both should be back by the start of the spring semester next week. District President Dr. Monroe Richman had this to say when the layoffs were announced: “It’s an educational issue. We have examined all disciplines, how they interrelate and which ones we could perhaps sacrifice with the abiding choice of strengthening other disciplines where we expect enrollment to increase.”

During the Drought They

Called Me Scott Dusty

The Valley College baseball coach, after pouring gasoline on his team’s field and setting it on fire in an effort to dry out the sloppy, rain-soaked dirt: “We gave it a try. But the fire department came by and told us to knock it off.”

The coach’s name? Scott Muckey.

It’s a Lousy Job,

So We Must Have Done It

CSUN baseball coach Terry Craven, after an 11-9 victory over Cal Lutheran: “We’re doing a bad job of base running, a bad job at the plate, a bad job of pitching and a bad job on defense. There’s nothing left.”

MARCH

But They Would If You

Could Do It on Skates

Sheila Ellgaard of Encino, headline skater for Holiday on Ice and now director of nursing at Valley Presbyterian Hospital: “Going from skating to nursing was a difficult adjustment. I went from a glamorous job to emptying bedpans. Nobody claps when you empty a bedpan.”

It’s Just That They Shoot

and Rebound a Lot Better

Prior to a game against Crenshaw for the 4-A basketball championship, Cleveland Coach Bob Braswell said: “I don’t fear anything about Crenshaw High School. At Crenshaw, they breathe the same air my kids breathe. They go to high school just like my kids go to high school. They put their pants on the same way.”

Crenshaw won, 95-79.

And I Think the Clippers Will Beat the Celtics for the NBA Title

Heading into the NCAA Division II West regional championship game against Pomona, CSUN women’s basketball player Renee Loch said: “I think they’re scared to play us. I think they’re ours.”

Final score: Pomona 66, CSUN 46. It was Pomona’s 22nd consecutive victory over CSUN dating to 1976.

Loch: “If we had been able to stay close to them early in the second half, I still think they would have been ours.”

Or Both

Chris Schallert of Canoga Park, upset that it took took two days for organizers of the Los Angeles Marathon to confirm that he was the top finisher among L. A. residents: “The guys who finished ahead of me were either foreigners or not from around here.”

Chariots of Molasses

Dallas Morning News writer Kevin Sherrington, who covered Texas Tech basketball, on backup center Ken Wojciechoski, who played at Moorpark High: “He’s slow. Really slow. He’s probably the slowest center in the Southwest Conference. Well, there’s a guy from Southern Methodist who might be just as slow. It might be a good race, if anybody had the time.”

APRIL

And We Keep Bumping Into

Them as We Leave the Park

Manager Glenn Ezell, whose Ventura County Gulls played only day games: “In the minors, you always have maybe 400 to 1,000 steady fans who come in night after night.”

OK, OK, So I Lied

The Gulls open the season in 54-degree weather with a biting north wind. Coach Alfredo Ortiz of Venezuela: “I see the guys jumping up and down and hitting themselves and I know they are cold. I tell them, ‘It’s not cold. Forget the cold.’ Then they run back onto the field and I say to myself, ‘This is cold .’ ”

Oh Yeah? I Even Listened

to a Springsteen Album Once!

Terry Sloan, 21-year-old catcher for The Master’s, an ultra-conservative Christian college in Newhall, is forced out of school by administrators after rumors run rampant that he may have stayed overnight in a house with a girl. Sloan admitted to officials that he also “danced one time,” another violation of school rules.

The Clincher

Scott Drury, catcher for College of the Canyons, on a recruiting trip to Texas Tech: “The bat girls are awesome. One of them picked me up at the airport.”

MAY

Like Water Skiing With No Boat

Tom Goodspeed, captain of the Los Angeles Colts equestrian team: “Polo is like hockey, only instead of skates, you’re on a horse.”

Mao Tse-What?

CSUN volleyball player Karen Lontka, on the education she and her teammates gave visiting Chinese Olympic star Zhou Xiaolan: “We’re trying to help her along with American language. We taught her ‘Hey, dude,’ and ‘Surf’s up.’ She’s getting it, but it will take a while.”

It’s Almost the Next County

UCLA softball pitcher Samantha Ford, from Hart High in Newhall, 40 miles from Westwood: “I was just homesick in the beginning. It was hard to leave all my good friends behind.”

I Get Nicklaus; You Get Palmer

Marc Riches, Taft High golfer, on the country-club background of the golf team: “That’s Woodland Hills. Most of the kids are rich and affluent enough that they have their own pros.”

And the Challenger, Fighting

Out of Oregon, a Log

Boxing trainer Joe Goossen, alarmed at middleweight Michael Nunn’s lack of punching power, puts his fighter on a regimen of chopping wood with an ax to build up his power.

“By swinging the ax,” he said “it’s forcing him to rotate his hips and turn his shoulder. In some ways, it’s better than hitting the bag. We’ve seen great results.”

Nunn was forced to go the distance in five of his next seven fights.

Well, I Mean Other Than That

Dahlia Sternberg, 23-year-old Pierce College tennis player, on her first days of practice: “I was a total wreck. I hadn’t done much of anything for seven years.”

Unless of course you count the two years she served in the Israeli army as a boot-camp commander.

Abandoned Angel

Former Angel first baseman Daryl Sconiers, on his return to Class-A ball with the San Jose Bees after “substance problems.”

“My own family won’t talk to me since the drug thing,” he said. “I’m dirt cheap to them. I don’t blame them. They told me when I was young that if I ever got into that kind of problem not to expect people to have mercy or to understand. They warned me. They were right.”

And Me

Cleveland High baseball Coach Marty Siegel, whose team finished 5-10 in league play, on the outlook for the 1987 season: “The good news is we’ve got 10 players returning. The bad news is we’ve got 10 players returning.”

It Seemed Furry Obvious

Pierce College quarterback Josh Davis, on the demise of the athletic program: “I knew something was going on. I saw that Coach Fenwick had left and I saw everybody else leaving like rats leaving a sinking ship.”

JUNE

OK, Can We Borrow Your Car?

A Valley baseball coach, in a talk to his players on maintaining an even keel during the season: “It’s like driving a car. Keep your eyes focused way down the road and you’ll steer right down the middle.”

Fine advice. Except it was Little League and his players were 10 years old.

Don’t Sit With a Dodger

Dieter Hochheimer, the Dutch coach of the Hollywood Kickers soccer team, on baseball: “I want to go to a game with somebody who will explain it to me. I know there is a lot to the game that I don’t understand, and until I do, I won’t appreciate it.”

The Pine Tar Incident: Take II

Pretrial motions are heard by a judge in Rochester, N.Y., in the case of Cory Snyder of Canyon High and now the Cleveland Indians, charged with two counts of third-degree assault stemming from a bat-throwing incident during a minor league game. Snyder flung his bat into the stands after popping out, striking two women in the face with it. One of the women suffered a split lip and the other a broken nose.

His explanation: “It slipped. I was trying to throw it toward the dugout, but I had too much pine tar on my hands and it went into the stands.”

Every Night Is Facemask Night

Snyder is called up to the Indians several days later. Either he has learned to control his temper or the Indians figure major league fans have tougher faces than minor league fans.

But Maybe Jimmy Hoffa Is

Clarence (Lefty) Blasco of Van Nuys, on his fruitless 30-year search for a photo of Pete Lamere, the only Chicago Cub in history whose picture he doesn’t have: “Some days I get the feeling that if I dug up Pete Lamere’s casket he wouldn’t even be in it.”

JULY

Keep It Up and It’ll Stop Going

Jim Vreeke, Simi Valley motorcycle racer: “It’s exciting, dragging your knee on the track at 100 m.p.h. But I wouldn’t call it scary. But sometimes if you get a little sideways in a corner it can get your heart going.”

Look in the Mirror

Angry Ventura Gulls Manager Glenn Ezell, whose team lost, 10-2, after watching syndicated columnist and humorist Erma Bombeck prance around the field in the fifth inning wearing a bird suit during filming for a TV show: “I didn’t see anything funny in her program.”

Except, of Course, for Our English

Gulls Manager Ezell, after watching his team commit an error that cost it the game: “We haven’t been making our own breaks, but the breaks haven’t been given to us, either.”

Quit Complaining

From Donna Duke, commenting on the state of her golf game that has netted her an incredible 19 holes-in-one: “Now if I could only improve my putting. It’s always been atrocious.”

Hail Mary, Full of Eye-Gouging

Jay Carballo of St. Francis High, a Catholic school in La Canada, following a football all-star game that featured many fights and very little football: “I kind of liked it. It got the guys fired up. I had a few cheap shots myself. But I had a reason because their guys were hitting my other defensive backs.”

Harry, Give the Guy a Break

Promoter Harry Kabakoff, on the eve of the first boxing show at the plush Sheraton Universal hotel: “A guy called from Beverly Hills and said he was celebrating and needed four of the $40 tickets. I asked him what he was celebrating and he said he just bought a Rolls-Royce Corniche. That’s a $150,000 car. I hope the guy plans on paying for the tickets.”

AUGUST

Oh, Don’t Be Silly

Rick Pendergast, on his plans to play golf with buddy Tom Clark for 24 consecutive hours, using fluorescent, chemical-filled golf balls during the night: “We’ve been handing out letters to people who live around the course. We don’t want anyone calling the cops, thinking someone’s out on the course doing something crazy.”

Imagine If It Were Horseshoes

Sharon Dushman, whose daughter competes in Frisbee tournaments, reacted to a big victory by one of her daughter’s friends by crying: “It was really very touching.”

Phi Beta Boxer

Wimpy Halstead, heavyweight boxer, appeared on Late Night with David Letterman. Letterman hands Wimpy a cruel beating, but Wimpy doesn’t realize it. Example: Wimpy asked Letterman, “Is there anything about boxing I can learn you on?” Letterman replied: “Well, Wimpy, we all know there’s plenty about boxing that needs to be learned on me.”

And It’s Just Sooo Interesting

Champion archer Don Rabska, on the tiny groups of spectators at even the largest archery tournaments: “This just isn’t a mass spectator sport. It bothers all of us a little bit.”

SEPTEMBER

They Have to Play the Game

New CSUN football Coach Bob Burt: “Somebody asked me if I’m ready for the first game. I said, ‘It doesn’t make any difference if I’m ready or not. I have no eligibility left.’ ”

Look Mom, No Hands

CSUN soccer goalie Mike Caputo, on how he became a goalie: “I did it once when I was a little kid and I jumped to make a save. I missed and the ball hit me square in the head. It knocked me out cold. When I woke up everyone started slapping me on the back saying, ‘Great save.’ Right then I decided I liked being the goalie.”

So Quit Your Yakking

La Canada football Coach Steve Gillette, complaining to Canyon Coach Harry Welch after Canyon posted a 42-6 win: “Look, Harry, I’m trying to build a program here and you’re trying to rub it in. It was in poor taste.”

Said Welch: “The reality is, had we wanted to, we could have scored four or five more times.”

Kids Do the Darndest Things

Reseda football Coach Joel Schaeffer, after starting quarterback Don Grant got into a brawl in the school hallway: “It looks like another of those ‘Boys will be boys’ type of fights. Grant hit the other kid in the side of the head and broke his own hand.”

OCTOBER

Wipe That Smile Off Your Face

Cal Lutheran football Coach Bob Shoup, on aggravating a chronic back injury: “Whatever I did, it wasn’t the right thing to do. I’ve been taking muscle relaxing pills and I’m getting goofier and goofier. By the end of the week I’ll either be cured or I’ll be a junkie.”

The Surprise Is No One Was Killed

Saugus football Coach Dave Gross, leading his 0-5 team into a game against 5-0 Canyon: “We’ll surprise somebody one of these weeks.”

Not this week. Canyon won, 40-7.

NOVEMBER

Both of Which Are In Casts

Bob Shoup, Cal Lutheran football coach: “A few weeks ago the list of our injured players was as long as your arm. Now it’s as long as your arm and your leg.”

But Their Dinner Is Just Beginning

Motorcyclist Randy Morales, on the dangers in the Baja 1000: “When you come over a hill you have to slow down because there’s going to be a herd of cows in the middle of the road. You’ve got to know these things. Some guys don’t realize it and they go banzai into the cows and crash. Their race is over.”

In Bowling?

Professional bowler Robin Romeo of Van Nuys: “I need to win more matches. I need to kick some butt today.”

No, We Can’t, Including You

Boxer Alex Ramos said this about Michael Nunn two weeks before Nunn pounded him for 12 rounds in an easy victory: “Who has he fought? Can you name one world-class fighter?”

Oh? That’s Hard to Believe

King David Smith of Los Angeles, a heavyweight boxer who has lost an incredible 27 times in 55 bouts: “People don’t want to see a boxer. They want to see the big punchers. They want to see brutality. They want to see people kill each other. That’s not my style.”

DECEMBER

If I Could Just Make

Them Stop Chasing Cars

Kennedy football Coach Bob Francola: “There’s a lot of barking going on in our huddles. They are a bunch of scrungy, scrappy guys who love to attack.”

OK, but Will You Dance With Me?

Kennedy High girls basketball Coach Craig Raub, yelling at a reporter who was interviewing one of his players: “If you’re going to talk to my kids, talk to me. You don’t talk to a 16-year-old girl.”

That’s Just My Opinion

Sylmar football Coach Tom Richards, predicting the outcome of the Reseda-University game for the City 2-A championship: “University is the better team. They’ll beat Reseda again. About 20-14. If Reseda wins this game, they’ve got to do it with a score like 12-7, a low-scoring game.”

Final score: Reseda 37, University 0.

Not to Mention White, Too

St. John Bosco Coach Bill Friedrich, after losing at Anaheim Stadium to Crespi in the Big Five Conference championship game in which Crespi’s Russell White rushed for 256 yards and four touchdowns in 19 carries: “I thought we were awed by the stadium and the television and the crowd.”

But If We Have to Build

a Wall, He’s Our Guy

Master’s basketball Coach Randy Stem: “Knechtel, well, bless his heart. He’s a 6-3 center. You don’t expect him to shoot well. He can really lay a brick up there now and then.”

I Laughed Once in 1976

CSUN basketball Coach Pete Cassidy: “I have a hard time being humorous when we’re losing.”

I Just Tried to Keep

Their Confidence Up

Master’s basketball Coach Randy Stem, after a 20-point loss to CSUN: “Let’s face it, Northridge let down. Of the five guys I put on the floor, there might have been one athlete. The other four just ran around.”

And We Say ‘OK’

Newbury Park basketball Coach Ken Barone, a day before his team was eliminated from a Ventura tournament in a 62-45 trouncing by Santa Clara: “Ventura and Buena may be favored to win the tournament, but we would like to have a say in that.”

Uh Huh, Sure It Is

Dave Cater, editor of Inside Kung-Fu magazine, which competes for readers with Black Belt magazine: “It’s just like Time and Newsweek.”

Poly Want a Memory?

Al Uyemura, Poly High basketball coach, disappointed despite his team’s victory over Monroe: “I think my team forgot there was a second half.”

I’ve Also Been Beaten

by Big, Tall Chinese Guys

Ted Lehmann of Thousand Oaks, who endured hardships on the Asian golf tour before earning his PGA card, about playing against the best golfers in the world in PGA tournaments in 1987: “None of it will be as tough as playing in Asia on bad courses against a lot of little, short Chinese guys who shoot five strokes better than you do.”